The Screenplay

My New Tattoo

2011-08-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

New tattoo that I got today. The inspiration for the tattoo was a photo titled "Weathered". (Thank you Tim and Jessica)

This tree has seen a lot during it's time here on Earth. It has seen scorching heat and bitter cold. It has been ravaged by time, floods, drought, and wind. This tree has seen much and it still stands strong. I have endured my fair share of "weather". Time, death, and divorce among others. I find myself today, still standing despite these setbacks. Weathered but still here. With any luck perhaps this old tree and I will have a few more years here on this rock we call Earth. Years to spend pondering one anothers existence and enjoying the company of someone or something that through our similar experiences are somehow connected in the grand scheme of things.

This tree is located about an hour North of my home. It stands very close to a river just off the highway in a protected parkland area. I was told by a park sevice officer who stopped me as I was leaving the area, that under no circumstances was I allowed in the area and that I was not allowed to park along a limited access hiway for the purpose of taking pictures of trees. He was pretty cool though and didn't write me a crap load of tickets. I got my shot and my tattoo artist, (Thank You Johnny T. at Flesh Art Tattoo) was able to create a beautiful work of art. I am positive that the tree would approve.

The pain? Excruciating! 3 hours in the chair and about a gazillion needle pokes...yeah it was painful. I love the tat and I hope you like it too! See ya!!

Catch Up...or Ketchup...Catsup?

2011-07-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

Yeah this post has nothing to do with condiments.

Hi to anyone who still reads this blog. I realize I have been slacking, I would love to tell you it isn't my fault, my computer broke, my fingers went missing, or something else, but that would be a lie. I totally knew where my fingers were at the whole time. I have been lazy, and quite busy, and really not feeling very bloggy lately.

The truth is I still don't feel much like writing but I felt obligated to post something since I do in fact take up space on your internet. I realize that pretty much everything is taking up space on the internet but still I was feeling guilty.

What has been keeping me so busy? Well, nothing...that was a lie too. I dont think a lie inside of the truth is as bad as an outright lie though. Example: I didnt come in to work today(truth)because I was stricken temporarily blind(lie)and couldnt find any clean socks to wear(truth). This story also illustrates how laundry will not do itself, science is cool.

"You're fired", illustrates how a boss might sound if he had no sense of humor and was missing an important member of his team due to the science of laundry and or temporary blindness.

I really haven't got any good excuse for my absence in blogville other than I just wasn't feeling it lately. I do want to say hello to my blogbuds though and let them know I think of them often. So, if any of you reading this would be so kind as to pass along a message for me....yeah I kind of thought not. Had to try it.

Anyway I love you all, take care of one another and I will write when I can. Did someone just mumble "Dude you never could"? Not nice...not nice at all.

PS I'm not really fired...I hope :)

My Letter To Blatz Beer

2011-05-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

Ok I recently sent an e-mail letter to the Blatz Brewery and my friend thought it was funny....yep, they have yet to respond...

To: Blatz Brewery,
I'm writing this letter to request a tour of your brewing facility and purchase 2 cases of your fine beer for a
nostalgic fishing trip with an old and dear friend.

First a little history:
My good friend Mike and I graduated from Pittsburg High School in Pittsburg Kansas in 1983. Mike and I were
great friends and partners in crime. (The fact is we never committed any real crimes but the cliche seems appropriate)
As is too often the case, shortly after graduation life started happening and Mike and I lost touch for several years. He
moved to Arkansas, and I relocated to Missouri. Sometime around 1989 I had returned to Pittsburg and Mike and I crossed
paths once again and discovered we still had a strong friendship and many similar interests. 2 of our favorite things in life
were fishing and drinking Blatz beer. Mike would show up ringing my doorbell most weekends with a tackle box and a case
or 2 of Blatz longnecks. Life truly was good and we savored our afternoons fishing, drinking, and telling lies. We had a saying
back then that if the fish weren't biting...the beer certainly would be. We stayed loyal to your brand for our expeditions and
endured many a painful hangover thanks to your brewing expertise. We introduced many of our friends to Blatz and I like to
think that they are better people for having sampled your beer.

In 1991 I again relocated, this time to Anchorage Alaska and what was, as far as I could see, a Blatz free zone. I couldn't buy
it anywhere and often longed for its unique deliciousness. Mike and I again lost touch for a number of years, however our legendary
fishing trips were never forgotten. Flat tires, swamped boats, mosquitoes, rain and the blazing heat of an August afternoon were
never a problem as long as we had our sense of humor and a few bottles of Blatz beer.

Recently Mike and I ran into one another and our friendship is as strong as ever. We have resumed our fishing and lie telling trips,
sans one key element, that key element is Blatz beer. I have searched high and low for Blatz even enlisting the help of a friend who
owns a liquor store but sadly according to your website there are no distributors in Kansas or in any adjacent neighboring states
who can provide us with that which eludes us...we need Blatz beer, and we are willing to go the extra mile to get some.

Our thinking, skewed as it may be, is that a journey of a couple thousand miles for 2 cases of beer will not only satisfy our
thirst for Blatz, but, may also rocket us up the coolness scale like 100%. (I am recently divorced and a coolness bump can't hurt my
dating game right?) We figure as long as we are making the trip anyway we may as well try to tour the brewery where the beer that
got us through some otherwise useless fishing trips, is made. Our plan is to purchase the 2 cases of beer, and then sneak out to what
is now private property, (our old fishing hole) and re-live a piece of our youth. All the while ignoring the "no trespassing" signs,and evading
whatever sort of law enforcement may be present that day.You hold the key to recapturing our youth. Turn that key...unlock the door to the past.

In closing I wish to thank you for taking the time to read this rather lengthy letter and for considering our request for a brewery tour. In
any case we will make the trip, get the beer, and enjoy a fishing trip and a brief glance into our colorful past...fishing, drinking, telling lies
and remembering the good old days.

Warmest regards,
Mark Price

Carnival, You're Running a Circus

2011-02-23T19:32:00.000-08:00

Has it been a month since i posted anything? WOW. Heres the deal, I got separated from lovely and have been seeing someone else and have been working and blah blah blah...sue me. I really didn't have much to say until I went on a cruise recently. Some time back I wrote a post or two called "Grind My Gears" based loosely on a Family Guy episode that I thought was pretty damn funny. The thing is this was going to be a "Grind My Gears" post as well but I felt the seriousness of the gear grinding warranted a more direct approach.

My cruise with Carnival was how shall we say, less than perfect. Prior to cruising on the Fun Ship I had been exposed to cruising with Norwegian Cruise Lines and Royal Carribbean Cruise Lines so the bar was set pretty high.

I believe there are 2 sides to almost every story so I will begin with the good stuff...
Number 1...The ports of call were really nice. (Montego Bay Jamaica, Grand Cayman C.I., and Cozumel Mexico)
Number 2...My stateroom steward was the SHIZ!! Lovin ya Tio!
Number 3...Ariel in the dining room you really went above and beyond!

Now that those 3 things are out of the way lets get down to the crappy stuff.
Number 1, the food...Really a cruise is supposed to be about eating way too much rich food and basically making a complete pig of onesself right? 7 days 7 pounds is the generally accepted weight gain for a trip. OK did the website mention that between the hours of like 3pm to 6pm that the only food available is pizza(unimaginably greasy), Hamburgers hotdogs or chicken strips (am I on a cruise or at a county fair?), or a deli sammich (really? I have lunch meat at home.)? No the website didnt mention that little tidbit and it was an unpleasant surprise.

Number 2, service...OK The 2 persons mentioned above are not included in this section of my review. YOU ALL SUCK! There are about 2000 people to serve food and drinks to on a cruise ship, thats a lot but didnt they tell you that when you hired on? A smile or a friendly excuse me would have likely killed the service staff on this trip. Angry, bitter servers, pissed off bartenders (when you could get them to take your order at all) and grumpy ass cleaning persons do not make me feel like coming back with a huge pile of money next vacation.

Number 3, revenue...I realize that cruise lines need to make money to survive in todays world. I went on the trip expecting to get ass raped every time i pulled out my sign and sail card...but HELLOOOOO Everything shouldnt be about fleecing the guests, its irritating. We did pony up some money to be here.

Number 4, photographers...I get it, photos are a money maker for a cruise line. People want to take the memories home and rub their friends noses in it but I think I counted 22 different photographers on the ship. Each one acting like a fool trying to take a photo that you just had taken 3 feet away. Different background screens yes, but all the same poses. It was like running the gauntlet to get through them all. Hey, NO MEANS NO!

Number 5, entertainment...The magician was OK, the comedians were funny, and thats all I have to say about that. World class? no. (I saw the acrobats from China perform on a different cruise...thats world class entertainment)

I dont want you all to think that I am one of those people who is never satisfied and just loves to bitch about stuff, it really was a dissappointment. I think maybe the persons in charge of training the crews mentioned above should go on a trip with a different cruise line and see how the guests like to be treated. Go enjoy the trip, take notes, and bring back something worthwhile to teach the next bunch of servers and bartenders and photographers, etc... I thought perhaps I was being too picky so I asked around to see if anyone else shared my views of Carnival...guess what, I wasnt alone, not by a long shot!

The trip was fun, I got to spend time with a lovely young lady, we did some fun things in port and got hammered at least once. (yep Mexico) So I don't count the trip as a complete waste of time and money. Thanks for listening to me whine...

Back to you Tom!

About Last Night

2011-01-26T16:07:00.000-08:00

OK the trip to Dallas was a huge success. Both bands were amazing. I actually was unfamiliar with 30 Seconds To Mars but they did an awesome job keeping us entertained. The opening act was called Middle Class Rut. They are a 2 piece band and I really couldnt believe the amount of rock they produced. (I had to get their CD) OUTSTANDING!

The venue was the House Of Blues and everything about it is cool. Spent some time there after the show and had a few beers. Super nice people, good food and a huge beer selection.

The hotel I stayed at was nice. We had a room on the 12th floor looking out over downtown Dallas. Yes but would you stay there again?? NO. Way over priced, not that I mind paying for good service and accomodations but 80 bucks for breakfast room service is a little stupid. No free wifi in the rooms, and for 500 bucks a night I think wifi should be a given. Wealthy people probably like it there because they never stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. LOL...ya, it Was nice to be only 2 blocks from the venue but Im positive a cab ride wouldnt have set me back the extra 300 bucks.

Another successful trip under my belt, logged just over 1000 miles round trip and finished in less than 48 hours. Yay, gotta love a midlife crisis right? Cousin had a good time too. Nobody got killed or arrested so everybody wins!

Have a good day bleeps!

Im Gonna Do It!

2011-01-04T09:20:00.000-08:00

Ok my mind is made up. Im getting a tattoo. I know some of you are like "so what I have dozens of tats". Well I do not. I have been pondering the idea for a couple of years (ok like 5 years) so I feel like I have sufficiently pondered it and now its time to do it. I must admit I am still a little nervous...what if the guy screws it up?, its permanent, no looking back, will it hurt a lot? Ok the will it hurt is a minor concern I am much more worried about how it looks finished. I may smack down the artist if he wrecks it, nah I trust him he is an old friend. I hope it looks awesome.

I am getting a tattoo of my sons hands with a celtic pendant called "circle of life".

When Jake was alive we used to tell each other that we were like a triangle. The three of us represented the three sides of a triangle. The triangle is a unique shape, very strong with each side supporting the other two.
Our triangle wasn't strong enough though and now lies broken in ruins. I will not forget though that it held strong for many years and the tattoo will remind me that we did indeed have something very special, and I will treasure those memories for the rest of my life.

Son it will soon be a year since you left this place to go home to God. A lot has happened since you left. One day we will talk about it, but right now I want you to know that I miss you and I love you.

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T14:26:00.000-08:00

Hi friends!
Tonight is the night that I, for one, have been waiting for. Sometimes patiently other times not so much. 2010 Has been a less than wonderful year at my house for the most part. I lost two people from my life that I loved deeply. I would like to take this opportunity to say in this semi-public forum...goodbye 2010 and fuck you!
No, the use of vulgar language isn't entirely necessary, but I think it helps make my point.

I hope that 2011 is a better year. Filled with new beginnings. New Years resolutions really arent my thing but I think this coming year I am going to make an honest effort to be a better person. Kinder and less judgemental toward others. I may even stay in shape for a few months, drink less, and pay attention while changing lanes in traffic. (ok yeah that probably won't happen)

Bleeps/Friends, please be safe this season and I look forward to hearing from you all next year. Peace, Love, and all that stuff!
Mark.

Happy Holidays/Solstice Bleeps!

2010-12-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

Hey Bleeps I had a free few minutes and thought I should catch up on your posts. Fun!! I usually wont leave you a comment if your post was from like a week ago because I figure you probably dont read over the comments section of them after a couple of days anyway.

I didn't stay up for the lunar eclipse last night. I figure if I really want to see a shadow on the moon I will pull my pants up. I know it was a rare thing and maybe I will never have an opportunity to see it again but I was really tired and I assume there will probably be pictures available somewhere.

All that aside I want to wish you all a very happy holiday season! If in fact you are not a holiday season person, then just have a good 2 weeks! See how political correctness can screw up pretty much anything? I will be celebrating Christmas either in a hotel room in the city (work, not hookers...well maybe? Surely not. But still...) or at my Dad's house with my Brother and Sister-in-law. In any case im certain it will be a good day.

Also I want to wish you all a happy Solstice!!! Yay, tomorrow the days will begin to get longer and the coming of spring will seem not so distant. I get really excited about winter solstice...is that weird?

2010 has been a tough year in my world and I will not be sorry to see it pass. My hope is that 2011 and the years that follow will bring health, happiness, and prosperity to all of us who seek them. Please keep writing and posting and sharing tiny glimpses into your lives with me via the blogosphere.

Have a lovely day friends!

Next Roadtrip

2010-12-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

Okay, I did a mini road trip last week but nothing really cool happened and it was only 1700 miles. That may seem like a lot but really it isnt bad for only touching 4 states. Kansas, Missouri, Arkansas, and Iowa. Now I have another destination in mind...Texas! Yep me and my crazy cousin are going to a concert in Dallas next month. I can hardly wait. We may get arrested in which case I will be calling you all for bail money. We may get matching tattoos commemorating our journey. We may end up in Mexico or Alabama or who knows where. Bottom line shes as crazy as me and we are gonna party like rock stars, or not because I am old and need my rest...Just kidding!! Cuz, if youre reading this you better have your party hat on. I will surely blog about our adventures with some names changed to protect the alleged innocent so stop by often and especially around the end of January. Oh and watch the news too. I havent been on the news yet but theres always hope right? Any of you who live near Dallas are welcome to attend the after-party at the W hotel in Dallas. Please bring a lawn statue or an exotic animal. What? Never been to a theme party before? Have a great day Bleeps!

Things I've Learned As A Bachelor

2010-11-26T08:54:00.000-08:00

Since becoming a household of 1 (and a very large cat) I have discovered a few things.

1: The dishes in the sink when you go to work are always waiting for you when you get home.

2: The small pile of socks in front of my recliner wont walk themselves up to the washer.

3: If you leave a shirt in the dryer for more than a couple of days the wrinkles will never come out...just wash it again. And this time hang it up when its done drying, the dryer is not a closet.

4: Hardees, McDonalds, Applebys, Taco Bell, etc.. are not the grocery store.

5: Houseplants, like humans, need water to live.

6: The telephone, and the front door will almost never answer themselves.

7: The trash man comes on Wednesday morning...don't bother calling cause he wont come back on Thursday.

8: Every light on in the house at once doesnt make finding your car keys any easier.

9: If you fall asleep in your favorite chair that is where you will wake up the next day, sore and not rested at all with the TV still on.

10: Being a bachelor kind of sucks sometimes.

Have a great day Bleeps hope your holiday went well.

Out of sight?

2010-11-21T10:26:00.000-08:00

Well there seem to be 2 entirely different schools of thought on this one. Which is correct?

"Out of sight, out of mind"

Or

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

Im not entirely sure on this one, either because I never had to worry about it before or because I am slightly over or under medicated and have a hard time focusing my thoughts.

What do you all think?

Choices

2010-11-15T08:19:00.000-08:00

I found this handwritten post lying on my desk today. I remember writing it shortly before setting off on my roadtrip. I was in a very different place when I wrote it but it seems like a pretty good message. Here it is.

Yesterday evening I was driving down the highway going due South. I noticed that in the sky to the West was one of the most beautiful evening sunsets that I had ever seen. Brilliant yellows and glowing orange with every shade of blue from almost white through the entire spectrum to almost black, it was really lovely. To the East were dark clouds threatning storms and bad weather. Right at that moment it occurred to me that I was at a crossroads in my life and the evening sky represented choices that lay ahead of me. It really caused me to think. Think about where I wanted to be. What sort of life was I destined to lead. Recently hurt, anger, and frustration had become my norm. I sometimes felt it was easier to just be hurt and angry. Just go with the norm. And yet...I longed for the more pleasant side. The beautiful sunset represented peace, calm, and warmth. I warm body to to hold on to, a lover to share intimate moments and a friend to laugh with.

I have seen many paintings and photos and it occurs to me that turbulence and storms are more easily captured in artists works than is the magic of a perfect sunset. Perhaps the same is true of living our lives on the gentler more understanding side. It sometimes seems that although it may take more effort to capture that beauty and magic, the moments that we are able to capture it are worth the extra hard work.

There will always be storms. I am trying my very best to remember that after the storms the dark clouds will move on for the night and leave behind a breathtaking sunset.

Have a good Monday Bleeps!!

Whats happened to my Bleeps?

2010-11-13T20:48:00.001-08:00

Has there been a zombie apocalypse and I wasnt alerted? Here I am with crap loads of spare time and nobody is posting. It isnt a holiday, there is no new flu epidemic that im aware of, and global warming hasn't peaked and made us all into a glob of human 'smores yet. People please post me something to read about and ponder on for hours. I NEED TO READ YOUR WORDS...no pressure though. This is my way of saying I miss reading your posts. If youre too busy to post something you should totally quit your job. Priorities folks, remember your priorities. LOL Can't wait to read more stuff. Have a good day Bleeps!

The Daily Grind

2010-11-11T05:33:00.000-08:00

I am back to work finally...ugh! See I havent worked since Oct. 27. Took a couple days off personal leave then went on vacation then didnt work for a couple more days. I know...what a slacker! Anyway heading back out of town left me feeling a little aprehensive. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess having had my world turned upside down and "inside out" then back again had become sort of my norm, whereas work represents structure and predictability. I think our bodies or at least our minds can adapt to pretty much any situation given enough time. If turmoil and confusion become an everyday thing, the structure of a work environment can seem quite foreign. I'm guessing therein lie some of our issues as human beings. In our ordinary day to day existance we are forced to bounce around from work to real life in only a matter of a few hours. As professionals we are expected to behave a certain way with very limited fluctuations in our personalities. We are not supposed to be emotionally involved in our work setting. On the other hand, we are creatures driven by feelings and emotions. We respond to changes in our surrounding environment with anger, or happiness. We are programmed to care about other people and their feelings and adapt to changing situations based on what we see and feel around us. If our co-worker is clearly unhappy or in some sort of distress it can make us a little uncomfortable. This is a work environment, no emotions, no feelings, just work. Then we get home to our spouse or children and we immediately are expected to become someone with feelings and emotions. We are now in our home environment. Our families and friends need us for support and encouragement. They need us to feel their pain and respond accordingly. They need us to share in their happiness. Then in a few short hours it's back to work. Turn it off, get back in the game. No wonder we are all such a mess most of the time.

Bear with me Blogbuds, I am working through something here. I know that at times I have been emotionally unavailable and writing down some thoughts is actually helping me sort it all out in my head. You don't have to read it if you dont want to. This one is pretty much just for me.

Our blogs can serve a dual purpose I think. On one hand they can advertise our strengths like hey read this, Im really funny sometimes. Or hey look how sensitive and deep my thought process can be. They can also just be for us to write down thoughts we have, ideas, or a bunch of facts that may or may not be important to anyone but the writer. I think its cool that we can share what we write with others and comment on those posts that we read. Maybe my blog is a sort of transition from work to real life, or possibly the link between the two of them. Hmm more stuff to ponder.

I suppose there has always been blogging but before the age of the personal computer they were just notes scribbled on a scrap of paper and hidden away in someones writing desk or bedside table. Or even earlier blog posts painted on the side of a cave wall, or painstakingly etched in stone for the future generations to ponder. What will become of our posts in the future? Will they be any less interesting to the scientists of the future? Does thinking about it make you want to change your subject matter? Please dont. I love reading your posts just as they are. I really wouldn't be interested in knowing where a buffalo herd likes to go in the winter. (reference to cave paintings). Have a great day BLEEPS!

Whats going on?

2010-11-07T21:49:00.000-08:00

OK some of you may know that I have been dealing with a crisis in my world lately. My wife and partner of 22 yrs has recently moved into her own place. Yes it sucks. But...she and I have been seeing each other casually, dating if you will. We go to dinner, movies, and sometimes just watch TV or take a walk together. And we talk, scratch that...we COMMUNICATE.

I find myself wondering why we havent been dating all along? Are we so wrapped up in our own crap that we forget the person who matters most to us in the world? I know, jobs and schedules and obligations. All important but none so important as the other half of US.

My wife and I have had a really tough year. Not an excuse just a fact. Our current situation although not ideal, has shown us what is really important. We love each other and want our marriage to not only work but to grow and thrive. We want to grow as a couple and as individuals. We want to get old together and add to our many wonderful memories.

I looked at my beautiful wife today and really saw her. I saw her eyes, kind and understanding. Her skin glowed and her cheeks were just a little red from the chill in the air. I loved her. More today than yesterday and more tomorrow than today. I wanted to marry her all over again and spend the rest of my life reminding her that she is a beautiful person inside and out. A delicate flower to be admired and cared for. A strong, capable woman who is fearless. A best friend and lover for all time. My better half. Without her I am only part of a man. She holds my heart and always will.

I must be the luckiest guy in all the world.

We are going to work out our issues, and live out the rest of our lives happily together. I know this because it is what we both want. I suspect she might read this post at some point and if she does thats ok. I think she would agree with all of it.

Cindy, if in fact you are reading this, I love you and I cant wait to see you again.

Roadtrip...the end.

2010-11-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

I made it home safe and sound. The last 500 or so miles ticked away this evening. I am glad to be home and yet a little sorry my trip is over.

In just over 3100 miles I discovered that I cant always control every situation. I learned that I am not always right but sometimes I am. I learned that it is important to really listen to what people are saying. I learned that right here at home is where my heart is, and home is where I belong.

I spent a great deal of time thinking about my life up to this point and where I would like to go from here. I thought of people and places not really relevent to the trip I was on, but relevent to my life as a whole. I thought a great deal about the way things used to be,the way things are now and, the way I see the future shaping up. I made some new friends and visited some old friends. I saw some of our country's beautiful scenery and some really strange ocean creatures. I waded in the chilly Atlantic just because I wanted to feel the chill and the sand in my toes.

I visited or passed through Kansas, Missouri, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, and Tennessee. Thats a lot of travelling for a week. There were a lot of places that I wanted to explore further but I didnt feel like I had the time...this time.

I am already looking forward to my next road trip. Not for sure where it will take me but I believe it will be west of here. The key to a good road trip is lack of planning...if you have no plan you cant be disappointed. Get out there and drive...its fun and you may be surprised at what you find. Go alone or take a friend or 2. Be safe and have fun.

Im gonna sleep for about 12 hours now. I'm tired. Good night Bleeps!

Roadtrip part 3

2010-11-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

Still on the road and a long day it was. Logged 644 miles today. From Wilmington NC to Nashville TN. What a crappy driving day. Rain and wind. I did dip my toes into the cold Atlantic this morning as promised and got a surfer dude to take my picture whilst in the water. Then it was back to driving. The route today was really easy to follow. I-40 West. Leaving Wilmington I noticed a sign that read Barstow Ca. 2550 miles. Wow, I-40 must be long. I went pretty much due west across North Carolina, over the Appalacian mountains and into Tennessee. The area right on the border of the 2 states is unimaginably rugged and beautiful. To think that someone once said "hey, we should put a hiway here", totally blows me away. The hiway is in excellent shape. Easy to follow with no real need for my navigation thing. Getting through Knoxville Tn at rush hour is a challenge but I made it. Probably should have heeded the bypass sign just east of Knoxville. Oh well all is well and no new dings or scratches to report. I am staying the night at the Holiday Inn Express in Juliet Tn. Nice place, the front desk clerk upgraded me to a king suite and it is really nice. Yea priority club!! Tomorrow may be my last day on the road depending how late I sleep in. Mapquest says its 525 miles home from here and thats a pretty full day. I have enjoyed my time out on the road. Someone once said we sometimes need to go to our happy place. I think my happy place is on the road, driving with no real destination and only a loose time schedule. I have often thought it would have been nice to have a friend along to chat with and bounce ideas off of, but when I'm just driving to think and get my head straight, a passenger may have been a distraction. I would have liked to stop more along the way and see and do different things but experiences are more fun when you have someone to share them with. Perhaps another roadtrip is in the future. One complete with friends and adventures. Maybe I will go West next time. I always wanted to see whats out west. Deserts and cactuses (cacti?) and the sun setting in front of me. The rocky mountains are beautiful and I have seen some of them from the road. Mostly in Canada though. A houseboat trip on lake Mead might be fun. Never seen the Hoover Dam. (take all the dam pictures you want...got any damn bait?) Yeah its from a movie. Im off to sleep now. Will write more tomorrow if the cat lets me...he will be needing a good scratching when I get home. Goodnight friends!

Roadtrip part 2

2010-11-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

Ok so today was a really roadtrippy day. I logged about 200 miles travelling from Lewisburg West Virginia to Fredricksburg Virginia to have lunch with a good friend. On the way to Fredricksburg I passed some of the prettiest farms ever. Apparently people along hwy 33 like to raise horses. I met my buddy at the Panera Bread store in Fredricksburg and had sammiches and soup and some good conversation. We chatted about where my next stop should be and I decided to head south. Off I went towards Wilmington North Carolina. About 325 miles. Lovely drive down I-95. Not a lot of road construction and once out of Virginia...fewer police cars. I counted 10 (ten) police cars in one 43 mile stretch of hwy 295. This is a sort of bypass around the city of Richmond. Yeah watch your speed in Virginia! It was a sort of misty rainy day driving into Wilmington and it had almost gotten dark when I arrived so I didnt get to see much of the city. I did have a delicious supper at a place called Carrabba's Italian Grill. Calamari, minestrone soup, and a yummy seafood cannelloni dish. Theres an apple crust ice cream caramely thing in the refridgerator for later too. Tomorrow I will be heading to the beach rain or shine to dip my toes in the chilly Atlantic. Just something I feel like doing. I was last in the Atlantic ocean as a little kid...it was cold then too. Then I suspect I will head west and towards home. I'm starting to get a little tired out from driving and I figure 2 more good days on the road will get me home. I am glad I went on this little trip and hope to do another one soon. Anyway, see you all tomorrow!

Roadtrip!

2010-11-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

So I decided to take a little trip to help clear my head. What a trip it has been, and its only Tuesday night! Last Saturday I went to Kansas City to attend a concert with some friends. Roger Waters (of Pink Floyd)was performing "The Wall" Let me just say...WOW! Outstanding performance, amazing visuals, positive message. Best concert I have ever seen or will see I suspect. So after the concert I slept over at my friends house and planned an early departure the following morning.
Day 1: Leave Missouri and head for Hillsboro Iowa to visit a family member who is terminally ill and hasn't a lot of time left. We had a very serious talk and we laughed and cried and hugged one another. I may not see Richard again in this life but I know one day we will meet again. I stayed an hour or so and was on my way once again. East into Illinois and on to Indiana. My first night was spent at a very nice Holiday Inn Express in Crawfordsville Indiana a few miles north of Indianapolis. Did 30 minutes on the treadmill and off to bed.
Day 2: Leave Indiana and head for Ohio. I had never been to Ohio and really just wanted to touch the state. I arrived in Cincinnati early in the day and went about looking for something to do. You come all the way to Ohio you better at least see something cool right? I found myself about to park at the zoo and the nice lady at the parking lot told me about a place called Newport Kentucky. It was just across the river and she said it was a cool place to hang out. Off I go to Newport. Wow, what a cool place. I went to the riverwalk area and spent a couple of hours in the aquarium looking at fish and sharks and all things watery. There were a bunch of little kids there and they made me remember that things really are supposed to make you go "Oooo and AAaaahh" There are a lot of creatures out there in the world, beautiful animals, big animals, and tiny ones too. Maybe the funniest thing I saw there was a tank full of little eels that live in the sand. They would poke their heads up until I waved my hand in front of them then they vanished right back down into their hiding places. Sort of like wack a mole but with tiny eels. After my visit to the aquarium I figured I had better get on down the road. I headed due east and ended up in Charleston West Virginia. If you go there you have to see the capitol building...it is amazing. I stayed at the Holiday Inn and would have had a lovely time had I not decided to drown my sorrows in too many drinks. Long story short, I got to spend a few hours in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. Fun? NO.
Day 3: So after my near death drinking binge I was off again driving east. I dont recommend driving after a night of binge drinking. Add to my already queasy head and guts I drank the better part of a pot of coffee to get me started. Yeah, a tad bit jittery. Driving was a nightmare and so I gave it up after just over 100 miles. I had landed in Lewisburg West Virginia. Ok I was sick all day but still had enough sense to look around while I was headed down the west virginia turnpike. UNBELIEVABLE SCENERY! Really. The 4 bucks I paid for tolls was nothing. I would have paid more just to see it. I recommend the drive, you will thank me later. That brings me to where I am now. Tomorrow I plan to drive up to Fredricksburg Virginia and have lunch with a friend who lives there. Then I may start back towards Kansas. I havent decided for sure. I dont really care to backtrack cause I have seen that stuff already. Maybe I will go a more southerly route back home. Anyway check back for my continuing adventures! Night!

Still Lurking

2010-09-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

Hey Bleeps! Just a quick note to say hello. I have been very busy it seems. Work, family stuff, helped out a friend with a fundraiser, made a website (business not personal) and I'm working with a couple of friends to develop a new tool that will maybe reduce some on the job injuries and make me some loot. In any case I have not just been slacking. I haven't had much time to think about blogging but I do still lurk around your posts. Oh I did have a post idea yesterday but decided it might be too "R" rated for you all. ATTENTION: STOP HERE IF YOU GET OFFENDED EASILY... My post idea was wondering if I weighed more with an erection or less due to the notable anti-gravity effects of an erection. Yeah I know gross right? I warned you it was bad. Keep in touch friends!

Really? Poetry?

2010-09-07T01:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, this isn't my typical post. There will be no giggling allowed. (aloud?) I put a pen to paper and this is what came out. Yeah I know...old school.

So this is life.
Night and Day.
The sun rises then sets and today becomes tomorrow.
The exact moment separating the two is indistinguishable, as time neither starts, nor stops...it simply IS.

A ringing phone and it starts again.
Again with the steel rails and red blocks.
Stones and trees.
The smell of creosote and diesel fuel.

Sounds of screeching wheels and clanging bells. A whistle
wrecking the quiet of the evening.

Xanax and Zoloft.
Ambien, alcohol, and caffeine.
The tools of the trade.

Stand, Sit.
Hurry up and wait.
Rest...but never really rested.

Are we there yet?
How long now?

Whistle off and here we go again.

NOTICE:

2010-08-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when we go into someones office like our accountant, or lawyer or whatever, and they offer us coffee or soda or something else to drink, we always say no thank you? when we clearly do want something to drink and maybe even a snack? Thats weird. If my people are reading this you are on notice...I do want something to drink... and a donut. And the meeting doesn't start till I get them!

Game On

2010-08-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

The community blog is working I think. It is called Who Am I? Url is........... bleeps2010.blogspot.com Read my last post for details. Might be fun. Oh and if I am the only one who does this I will put a hex on some people...(not you guys of course)

Who Are We...Really?

2010-08-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my blog today. A bunch of posts dealing with everything under the sun. Some funny and some not so funny. Some can only be catagorized as random thoughts of a lunatic. While I was thinking, I began to wonder why I started this thing in the first place. Looking back to my very first post I was reminded that I intended to help a friend with some funny ideas for her screenplay. I don't think my blog posts would make a very good movie. Too many characters and way too many different storylines for a viewer to follow.

I think about my blog in its present state as odd seeds that I have strewn about. The seeds are of some unknown origin so I had no way of knowing what might grow. With my friends, family, and events past and current serving as the fertilizer and water for my seeds, I have grown something quite unique. Some readers may look and see a wild unkempt plot of weeds and brush while others may see a lovely garden. I'm not sure that it matters what my readers see as long as they giggle once in awhile at the funny stuff and maybe just maybe it might make someone look at the world through someone elses eyes...mine. (bloodshot as they usually are)

Thats pretty much how I look at other peoples posts. Reading them makes me wonder what they are really like. Not in a judging way, just curious. If there were a crowd of bloggers in a large room would we be able to distinguish who was who? Yeah we all have photos but lets say now that we can't actually see one another.

BLING! (thats the sound of a light coming on in my head...crap I hope it isn't a truck...hey am I in the street? no? good!) How much fun would it be to post unsigned blogs on a group blogger page and try to figure out who wrote what? How well do we know each others writing styles. Are we recognizable to each other minus our personal information? No kid names, job descriptions or references to regular characters. Is there such a thing as a writing STYLE? Or is it all about content? I'm truly curious...if anyone is interested in giving this a shot let me know. Tell your bleeps who also might want to play along. Worst case scenario it is a huge failure and nobody participates. Best case scenario, we all learn a little bit about what our rambling says about us and we might get introduced to some new blogs.

Let me know. It might be fun.

We All Do It

2010-08-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

Hey there's someone I know! Haven't seen him/her in a h-while. Maybe I should go over and say hello. I do have grass to mow though, and Lovely is sitting in the car waiting on me and this ice cream will undoubtedly melt if he/she starts yapping about their sick cat and lousy tomato crop. Do I really have time to listen to some useless drivel about what they've been doing? Do I honestly care? How close were we at the height of our friendship? Could this person possibly have anything to tell me that might change my outlook on today, or will they just blather on about things that mean almost nothing to me? Possibly even throwing in a story about someone I don't even know and will likely never meet.

Is reconnecting with this person more important than my Cherry Garcia ice-cream?(thank you Ben and Jerry) What about my lawn? How can I possibly neglect my lawn? I see it every day...hell it lives at my house! Surely my lawn is more important than this persons Branson vacation with thier Aunt from back East, right?

And then there's Lovely. She will almost certainly remove an appendage if I keep her waiting in the car for what will, by the time I get done with Ol' slackjaw here, seem like an eternity.

What is this person even doing here at Wal-Mart in the middle of the day? Doesn't he/she have anything better to do than come up here and try to hold me up with their bullshit stories and half-ass insincere pleasantries? What makes him/her think that I have time to listen to their crap? I have a life...and if they think I am gonna stand around and waste time with them they are sadly mistaken. Not me, not today, not while I have ice-cream.

I should dash into this aisle and hope I'm not noticed. But... what if they saw me? Did he/she see me... seeing them? Oh man, now what? I am gonna look like a total weiner if they saw me seeing them and then ducked out before saying hello. He/she will probably think I am mad at them. Or worse, they might tell someone else what a douche-bag I am for ignoring them at Wal-Mart. I can hear them now, "Oh yeah he totally saw me...and then ran down the soda aisle like he was choking on an asprin!"

Then what? Everyone will think I'm a snob. I bet they wouldn't even speak to me the next time they saw me at Wal-Mart. That would suck. Maybe I should just pop over say Hi.

There's my phone...oh just him/her. Pshhttt, like I have time to talk to them right now. They can leave a message.

I've Gone Coo-Coo

2010-08-04T22:53:00.000-07:00

You know what you don't see enough of these days? Coo-Coo clocks.

Is this the proper spelling? Or is it Koo-Koo? Kew-Kew? Coup-Coup? Wierd. I'm fairly sure it isn't Coup-Coup but who really knows? I wonder if the spelling problem is partially responsible for the demise of these loud, irritating, bird popping-out timepieces? Really. How can you market something when you can't spell it? What would you put on the box? Maybe just "clock". Nah, nobody would buy that. Sounds too generic. White box with bold black letters "CLOCK"

Another problem with the aforementioned clocks are the chains hanging down with the cast iron pine cones attached to them. Forget to pull the chains for a few days and you just might be late for work.
You can't set them on a nightstand either...won't work. You have to hang them on the wall. There you go knocking holes in the drywall.
Is there no end to the problems with these things? No wonder they aren't so popular anymore.

A Coo-Coo clock would make a pretty spooky alarm clock if it had, instead of a little colorful birdie, maybe a snake head or a creepy space alien that popped out of it... or fire. Maybe if you're an early morning smoker you could light your cigarette first thing with your fire breathing alarm clock. There go your eyebrows!
Hey, what if a hot cup of coffee popped out? Now were talking.

Seriously if anyone decides to patent the fire breathing clock/lighter I want some royalties or at least some recognition for coming up with the idea. On second thought never mind, there could be some legal problems related to the design and manufacture of something that cool. Like lawn darts...I bet they're rethinking that decision.

Thats about all I have tonight. Thanks for stopping by and sharing (wasting?) 3 minutes of your lunch break with me. (Yeah, I know it isn't your lunch break, thats me you have on hold!!)

"MARK LOOK OOUUUT"

2010-07-31T23:53:00.000-07:00

Lovely Wife and I went on a vacation a couple months ago. We went to Grand Cayman for a week to get some sun and relax a little. We had a great time but I must caution my American friends that driving on the other side of the road in a country with a friggin roundabout at every intersection can be a little freaky.

I had called ahead to ask if scooter rentals would be an appropriate mode of transportation on the island and the concierge assured me that if we chose to rent them, we should probably head them straight for the hospital. Heeding her advice, we instead rented a rollerskate of a car called a Suzuki Ignis. Now, I am by no means a small person and the Ignis cringed when it saw Lovely and I approaching with all our luggage. The guy at the rental place was really nice and didn't seem bothered by my lack of confidence in my left-hand driving skills.

Before we set out on our adventure he did offer one piece of advice that apparently fell on deaf ears..."The traffic comes at you from the other side." I probably nodded some sort of half-assed acknowledgement to this statement and proceeded on my merry way, 75 feet,to the end of his parking lot where our vacation very nearly ended in a most painful and unpleasant way. Thanks to the quick thinking of Lovely and her ability to scream in my ear from around 3 inches away, we weren't smashed by a large truck that was coming from, wait for it...the wrong side! (Great, now we have no chance at all to win the coveted award for the shortest car rental in the history of ruined vacations.) After that first near death experience our vacation went... well, swimmingly seems an appropriate adjective.

We stayed at a lovely resort on the east side of the island called The Reef. Great people very relaxed atmosphere and lots of rum drinks to take the edge off the heat. We went snorkelling every day and drank too much and I got to take a nap every afternoon. (Yea!)

We did venture over to Six Mile beach one day (tourists and cruise ships and tee-shirts oh my!) to shop and look around. We went for a short sail (complete with rum punch) to play with some stingrays another day which was really awesome.

In a nutshell, it was a fun and relaxing vacation, but that one sentence would have made a pretty boring blog post, don't cha think?

aloha

2010-07-30T23:27:00.000-07:00

Hi to all my blogbuds out there in bloggville! I have so missed all of you that i cant really stand it any longer and simply must friggin write something...even if its dumb. I miss you all so much and I must admit that I havent been on here for
a- hwhile. the H was intentional because I like the way it sounds. maybe some people think of their blog posts as typewritten words but I prefer to think of mine in a more verbal or audible sense. see they're funnier now huh? maybe not and this is probably the only time I will think of it that way. I have been on a hiatus from blogging for some time and maybe this will be my coming back post...or maybe not. My main point is that i miss you all and I want to say hello and give you all a blog-hug or something. (blog-high-five to the guys cause well sorry i dont go that way). I re-ah-lized (see there i did it again) that you all mean a lot to me in some way and I felt that I needed to recognize you in a post. For those of you who have e-mailed me during my blogcation you are indeed a special group. if anyone should stumble onto this post I hope they go to my list of blogs followed and read and interact with my bleeps. you guys are awesome and you know it...if ever you are in doubt of the wonderful-ness of yourselves, fear not for you are indeed the shiznit! (that means i think youre cool). In any case I am trying a comeback so bear with me if you can stand it. Im what you might call a debutant to blogging. Crap, I hope I dont have to buy a new dress. Just kidding, I almost never wear dresses. ok once I wore ......never mind I was drunk and hungry for a pizza (if lovely wife is reading this she is laughing cause she knows the story). Hugs to you all and I hope to write more tomorrow, or Monday whichever comes first.

testing 1...2...3...

2010-04-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

After a bunch of hours in front of the television I have come to the conclusion that C.S.I. Miami does more DNA testing than Maury Povich. I would totally watch an episode combining the 2 shows. Calleigh could have Delko and Wolff and Horatio tested on Maury to find out who is her baby-daddy. But on a follow-up show we could find out it is really Frank the cop! Thats entertainment!

Ahh Spring

2010-03-31T19:07:00.000-07:00

So who doesn't love spring? The season, not the metal swirly things in your seat cushions.

My job demands that I spend an abnormal amount of time in hotel rooms...no I am not a hooker. So today, after riding a stupid train all night, I checked into my hotel at around 1pm, ate some delicious lasagne, and got ready for some much needed rest.

The day was lovely and the afternoon sunshine was making my room a little warm so I cranked up the air conditioner and off to sleep I went. At around 5:30 this afternoon I woke up in my sauna-room, soaked with sweat and dehydrated nearly to the point of delerium. WTF? My room AC had crapped out nearly killing me from heat stroke. Temp in my room? a balmy 85 degrees...and climbing. I needed a plan, and fast. I bitched to no one in particular for like 2 hours, made a few phone calls, and began to formulate a plan.

I am unsure what works better to cool off... a hot shower that makes the room seem cooler, or a cool shower that makes me feel cooler. I went for the hot shower and opened up my room window to allow in some early evening air. My plan worked, my room seems cooler. The plan isn't without it's problems though. There is a major hiway about 200 yards away from my room, it is loud and irritating...but the main reason I cant get back to sleep are the baby mosquito's that came in the open window. Ahhh springtime! All I need now is a good crop of spiders to eat the mosquitos.

Sorry I haven't written in awhile, I haven't had much to bitch about lately. Im off to enjoy some of my bleeps blog posts now as I have been missing them a lot. Have a great evening all.

Wheres My Funny?

2010-03-06T10:05:00.000-08:00

Ok here it goes. This will be a sort of depressing post about feelings and stuff but I seem to have lost my funny somewhere in the last few months and maybe it is hiding under some not so funny stuff that I need to write and get out of my head. If you get bummed out easily just skip to the comments and type "Hi Mark long time no see, glad you are back."

My wife and I lost our son recently to a very rare and horrible disease. I don't know why in the movies they make it seem like being at someones bedside when they die is so great. It is not great. I watched a very close friend die a few years ago. I was sitting next to him, holding his hand and listening to music as he took his last breaths. I didn't like it one bit. I often think of Mikey and that last day. It sucks that the most vivid recollection I have of my friend is him dying. I have other great memories of our good times, but at the first mention of his name I am back in his living room watching and listening. It sucks.

I was sitting next to my son Jacob, holding his hand, and telling him how proud he had made me when he passed away on January 11 of this year. It was horrible to watch someone whom I loved so deeply and completely take his final breaths and slip away from me forever. More horrible is the fact that I revisit that morning a hundred times a day now. I have to watch my son die over and over again and it sucks the very life out of me. I see the nurse listening to his heartbeat and telling me that it was racing at over 300 bpm and she couldn't count that fast. I hear her telling me that it won't be long now. I feel her grasping my hand as we prayed for my son to go peacefully and fearlessly home. I see the doctors coming into Jakes room to say their final goodbyes. I see the tears as they openly weep at the loss of someone so young and full of promise. I see his nurses, his Angels.

I see and feel my wife next to me, her heart broken. There are no words to console her. Like myself, her pain and sense of loss is complete.

I told myself that at least we were there with him when he passed. I wouldn't want it any other way but it is really hard to be in that moment every day.

The wound is as fresh today as it was that day. I suppose it will always be there, threatening to open up and spill this sadness out.

I am somewhat comforted knowing that Jacob is in a better place now. I know that God has big plans for this young man. I know that one day we will be together again and there will be no pain or sadness, only joy and celebration. I hope I don't have to wait too long.

Jacob enjoyed this blog. He loved to laugh and we did. When his eyesight failed I would read to him from my blog and from my friends blogs as well. It was a special time for he and I. Our senses of humor were very similar even if Mom didn't get it sometimes.

I didn't want to be writing a depressing post but I need to try to get my funny back just in case they have internet access in Heaven.

I love you Jake!

Is It Wrong...?

2010-02-09T15:49:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong that I drink beer while I watch "Intervention" on A&E ?

10 Pounds

2010-02-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

So today I was interviewed for a documentary about my son who recently passed away. It will be on the college tv station and I am told that the tv camera adds 10 pounds...I hope it was pointed at my junk!

Hey "Bleeps"

2010-02-01T11:43:00.001-08:00

It's me...no really it is. So just wanted to say hi to you all and let you know I still think of you often and read your posts whenever I can. I have been pretty busy lately doing stuff, going back to work,etc...but I haven't forgotten you guys. Keep writing because you are all so awesome.

I almost had a funny post worked out in my head about Horatio on CSI Miami but it was way funnier in my head than it was typed out. (probably due to the fact that typed out you all can't see me taking my sunglasses off everytime I talk to you while slightly skewing my body to reveal only my "good" side to the camera.) Plus it's really hard to type in a serious tone all the time. Just once I want to hear Horatio tell the team he needs to visit the little boys room to take a dump...in his serious, whispery, somewhat mysterious voice. (body turned slightly to left) "I have to poop Callie, indeed, and poop I shall! (shifting to right and removing sunglasses) Mr. Wolff, hold my sunglasses."

Thats pretty much the direction the post was taking when I scrapped it. Have a lovely day my Bleeps!

Just a note to say hello!

2010-01-17T18:34:00.001-08:00

Hello! planned on writing tonight but still not ready I guess, so I will just say Hi! Keep writing cause you're making me laugh and thats good. Ok bye for now friends!

My Son Jake

2010-01-03T05:14:00.000-08:00

I want to tell you all about my son Jacob. Jacob was born on Jan 10, 1990 to a proud Mom aka Lovely Wife (Cindy) and Dad (me). About a year after his entrance to the world, he invited all his friends and family to the wedding of his Mom and Dad. He wore the tiniest tuxedo you ever saw and looked quite handsome as he welcomed guests and took a ride on his Uncle Mikey's Harley. (Mikey drove) After about a week Jake was already showing the rest of the world that he was going to live his life at warp speed. He packed a few of his personal belongings and moved North. He was off to Alaska. Jake found the largest state in the country very much to his liking. He enjoyed camping, fishing and hiking with his folks in the beautiful wild places of Alaska. He also met some great people there who would become more than friends to Jake, they were his extended family. He went to elementary school and found that learning came easy to him. He knew that words, spoken as well as written were a wonderful tool that he could use to take himself farther. He loved his books and read with his parents daily, and often while he was alone. Some time passed happily by and Jake asked one day if he might learn to play the piano. His folks were at first skeptical but soon they figured why not? It turned out to be another of his gifts that nobody but Jake knew lay hidden inside of him. Much to the irritation of his piano instructors, he never took much of an interest in actually learning to read music. Jake played mostly by ear and the trophies and commendations that he recieved throughout his piano playing days are a testament of his skill. He played beautifully, and in competitive situations would sometimes forget to open his music, or forget to turn a page, raising a few eyebrows at the judges table. He played regularly throughout his childhood and on through high school and beyond. He did eventually learn to read, and write a little music but his choice was always to just play. At the ripe old age of around 6, Jake thought he might like to perform on a somewhat grander stage and discovered community theatre. He could be an actor as well as a musician and all the world would know of his talents...again we were a tad bit skeptical. What use for a 6 yr. old could the Anchorage Community Theatre possibly have? Having earlier decided not to stifle him in his quest for greatness we agreed to let him audition for a part in an upcoming production...Jake got a part, A Lollipop Guild Thug in The Wizard of Oz. (Let me just say, as a parent, there are a lot of hours involved in rehearsing for a major production.) So now we have school, piano lessons, and play rehearsals to attend. Life was grand...and busy. This was how Jake liked things, he lived life at well over 100 mph. I wondered sometimes if he confused the word excel with accelerate. The production opened to wonderful reviews and ran for I believe 3 weeks. Jake's favorite part of his nightly performance was the cast lineup after the show to meet members of the audience. It was one of these chance meetings that led to his next acting gig...a television commercial for a local mortgage company. He was pretty happy and even more so when they sent him a check for his eforts and invited him to a preview party complete with sodas and popcorn. Life was grand. Mom and I were just happy to be along for the ride. (as it was, we were his ride...no limo for him just yet!) The following year Jake auditioned for a community theatre production of To Kill A Mockingbird. He was given the part of young Dill. Mom and I had some reservations about the language and racial slurs in the production but it was directed very well and worked out just fine. His performance earned him a glowing review in the Anchorage Daily News. Having been recognized as probably the greatest performer ever, he retired from acting and went on to persue other interests.
When Jake was about 9 yrs old he moved once again to the midwest and the place of his birth. He was well recieved and established himself as more of a leader than a follower. He was a knowledge sponge growing up, reading books and watching news programs. He continued playing his piano and as a 5th grader decided that he could probably also play the saxophone. After one long day at school he announced to Lovely and I that he had indeed joined the band. Nice. He continued to play that sax happily until he began high school, afterward he still played it, only not as happily. (we didn't think he should quit for fear he might want drums or a tuba or a digideroo(sp?) or something weird) I haven't seen that saxaphone for probably 3 years...must be in his car. Jake enjoyed the competitive scholars bowl team he was a part of during high school. Scholars bowl is a kind of after school thing where your school takes on other schools trying to answer a bunch of questions for points...like Jeopardy minus the talented Mr. Alex Trebek. He also became involved with Teen Court. It was run by the county I think, and the best way to describe it was like a tribunal. The teens assumed the roles of prosecutors and defense attorneys and tried real cases involving teens. The defendants were kids in their peer group who had commited non-violent crimes and agreed to be tried in teen court hoping for a little lighter sentence. The program was successful and I think other places have used it as well. Jake went on through high school making friends and being a typical (sort of) teenager. Sometimes doing the stupid things that teenagers do but mostly being a really good kid. He got his drivers license and at 16 Mom and Dad gave him a car. At 15 he had told us that he wanted a really nice car with a big stereo and air conditioning... We were going to give gave him our old 95 Tercel with no air cond. and an a.m. radio. When he got it, he was pleased as punch! He was told he could have the car but he had to pay for gas and insurance for it. So he needed a job. He found one at the Mall Deli. Now if you have ever been to Pittsburg Ks. you know about the Mall Deli. Best sammiches and bagels in all the world. He worked there from when he was about 15 until he got sick last May. He started s a busboy, and moved to the back line to cook and make sammiches. He truly loved his work and his co-workers, and his boss. When Jake was a junior in high school he was invited to go to Boys State of Kansas. Boys State is run by the American Legion and selected junior boys in high schools from all over the state go there to create and run a mock government. He so enjoyed his time there that he volunteered and was accepted to be a counselor for the next year, and following years.
From this mock political experience Jake became even more involved in political causes. He began college at Pittsburg State University majoring in political science. Although he excelled in his studies carrying a 3.9 gpa, he decided that he wanted to change majors as a sophmore and study psychology. He never lost his political interests though. He felt that young people needed to voice their opinions, get educated about the issues, and vote. He wanted to spread the word and with the help of some like-minded college friends he launched a campaign to run for Governor of Kansas for 2010. Campaign headquarters was my house and those kids always showed up for meetings on Monday evenings ready to work...or eat. I was so proud of those kids. They did manage to spread their word and register many new voters but mostly now it seems like they all were learning about our government and the prcesses. Jake withdrew from the gubernatorial race to serve his country in another capacity...he joined the Army. He was scheduled to ship out to boot camp in October. On his weekend trip up to Kansas City to the M.E.P.S. (Army medical stuff) he became ill, but stuck it out and finished his weekend. At home he was planning to go to Manhattan Ks. to be a counselor for Boys State. Mom and Dad demanded that he see a doctor before blasting off for 12 days. The doctor told him in no uncertain terms he was not going anywhere but the hospital. This was around the 21st of May I think. 4 days later, worsening, he was transferred to KU Med in Kansas City. It would be another 3 weeks before he was finally diagnosed with H.L.H. He has been hospitalized pretty much the whole time since. He was home a couple of times for very few days before becoming to ill to remain out of the hospital. He underwent chemotherapy to fight his illness and prepare him for a transplant. He recieved a bone marrow transplant on 09/09/09 at approx 9:00 in the evening. He achieved 100% engraftment and things were looking more positive for awhile. Jake has since picked up several new illnesses including meningitis, and a fungus called aspergillus.
Jan. 1 the doctors believe Jake had a mild stroke. An MRI was done and confirmed that he had developed more lesions on his brain. His sickness was progressing despite the drugs they were giving him. At this point My wife and I were given the news that no parent ever should have to hear. Our son is going to die. We knew at the beginning of this process that there was a chance we could lose Jake and thus made sure to talk to him at length about his wishes should things go horribly wrong. An advance directive was drawn up and signed and notarized. It is Jakes wish that he not be placed on any life sustaining machines if he won't probably be able to have a decent life. He has made it very clear to us that there is a difference between being alive and having a LIFE! Barring some miracle of biblical proportions my son Jake will leave this place and go to God in the very near future. His life has brought his family and friends so much joy over the last 20 years. Some people live 100 years and never do anything, not my son. Jake packed a whole life into 20 short years and did it wearing a smile. He is not afraid and although unable to speak was holding his Moms hand and trying his best to comfort her throughout the night. Strength and Faith will carry him home. We give thanks to God for sharing one of his children with us if only for a little while.

2010-01-02T01:38:00.000-08:00

January 1, 2010. Happy new year indeed. I have been at the hospital for a few days now and I find myself looking inward more and more. I struggle to express myself outwardly and I am not sure why. My world has pretty much gone gray... not in a particularly bad way but certainly not good either. I am numb to feeling anything at times and I expect it is a survival mechanism passed down through evolution. I am at times overwhelmed with sadness or fear, and other times I feel like I am close to the edge of happiness or relief but will not let myself go to that place for fear of the return to my dark place. The road to this level of despair is a rocky one to be sure and is not well tolerated. I started down this road some long months ago and I dont want to risk making the journey again so I remain where I am. To feel truly happy and relieved might only prove to be a letdown. The trip was too hard, I can't risk trying to start again. So for now I stand in between, waiting. I hope the wait isn't too long but I know that I will wait as long as it takes. I believe that a person needs to be very wary of accidentally losing onesself in a world devoid of colors and sounds. I feel empty at times and looking now at the bare trees and the cold ground I wonder if spring will come for me. Don't take too long. The prayers sometimes feel inadequate. What am I to do?

Yummy, Why didn't someone tell me?

2009-12-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

I just had a bluberry scone from Starbucks...Oh Em Gee! (thats 12 year old girl slang for WOW) It was soooo good! Maybe the snickers bar that I ate for supper last night was totally gone and I was starving but, that scone rocked!! I no longer have any use for the lowly muffin, nay, the scone is now my breakfast of choice! I just finished reading Treasure Island so I may use words like "nay" and "aye" for awhile in my posts.

Ok that said, I wanted you all to know that I spoke with dear Cynica yesterday. She wanted you all to know she is back from her wanderings but is a little under the weather. Look for her to post in the near future.

So it's New Years Eve (day) and I want to wish you all the very best 2010 possible. I hope to see you all on here often as your posts and pictures brighten my days. Spot, you should be ashamed of yourself for leaving us all hangin yesterday! That was like trying to eat one potato chip... I know however that the story will be worth the wait. Danica, I can hardly wait to hear what evil deeds are yet to come from Narci O' the North, and how you and Eyvi are plotting against him and his band of evil-doers! Kathryn, I look forward to many new and exciting interviews with the cornflower blue eyed Clinton Kelly and stories of your automotive woes. Jessica, your adventures with Tim are always entertaining and I love the foul language and the photos. Leese, you can make me giggle on the worst of days and I know you read all my posts so you get a gold star. Heather, I don't know anything about art but I am taking an interest thanks to your posts and pictures. I hope that when you become famous we can have a pint and watch some cartoons! This is dragging on so I am cutting myself off here. To all my blogbuds, have a great 2010 and keep the posts coming!

Amazon you're a genius!

2009-12-30T08:44:00.000-08:00

Guess what I got for Christmas? Yes a Kindle. Oh it's really cool. But the coolest thing is how Amazon sold a toy that is never ever paid for! They are marketing geniuses! I know right? See how it works is this, first you buy the Kindle, then you decide you may want to use it on a road trip so you buy a car charger, then you buy a lovely case for it to protect your investment.

So Christmas comes and you get all giddy and happy even though the cat was let out of the bag a couple of weeks ago when you got that confirmation e-mail from Amazon saying your Kindle and case and accessories would be delivered soon. So you happily open your new gift and begin to check it out and it is all good and everyone is happy and then you decide you want to read a book on it like right now. Yep, they want another $10 or so but it is cool because you have the new book in less than a minute. I know right? It was sooo cool that after I read that book I ordered another one...$10 again, but I have a new book to read in less than a minute and I didn't have to go to the book store or library or even get in my car that was buried in the snow.

It could be that my new Kindle saved my life. The roads were terribly snowy and dangerous but thanks to the marketing geniuses at Amazon, I was safe in my little room. They maybe should advertise the life saving qualities of their product.

I think that Lovely will soon take my new toy away from me lest we end up homeless in the streets due to my lust for literature and the coolness of a whole book arriving on my machine in like 60 seconds.

OK, I know that there are some folks on here who have made their blogs available to subscribe to on the Kindle. I have to say I probably won't subscribe because I get to read these awesome blogs for free right here on blogger. If ever comes a time that I can't read them due to broken down computer or if I am whisked off to outer space as a captive of aliens, I then will subscribe to the Kindle blogs.(note: if the aliens are female with say 3 boobs I may just stow away on their spaceship)

I did however find a serious problem with my Kindle...I can't loan a Kindle book to a friend. That sucks for me and for my friends but I think that for Amazon it will be very profitable. Based on this fact alone, I am recommending Amazon stock as a strong buy for the short term. I will post a quick note when the Lovely wife takes my new toy away. I will title it SELL! SELL! SELL!

Lets Make A Deal!!

2009-12-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

I have never been one to have headaches, unless it is due to too much alcohol...if there even is such a thing as too much alcohol. I have a splitting headache right now. I have been having them for awhile now and I think they are due to my stress level. I know right? What stress?

So here I sit at what is arguably one of the best medical facilities in the country and certainly one of the best in the midwest, dying from a friggin headache.
They have all sorts of drugs here. Cancer drugs, virus drugs, bacteria killers...etc. But not a friggin asprin to be had anywhere. Not for a visitor anyway.

In my desparation I went to speak to some ladies in the hospital cafeteria to maybe see if I could score some ibuprofen tablets. DENIED! Maybe the gift shop...Ugh, closed at 7:00 and it's a quarter to 8. DENIED!
Summoning the dark powers from deep within my twisted psyche I contemplated rolling a passing visitor carrying a huge purse that undoubtedly contained some fucking asprin or some pain killers or maybe a gun with which I could remove my offending appendage...my head.

It was the thought of the gun that snapped me back to reality. A headache is bad but a gunshot wound followed by a lengthy prison sentence is probably much worse. Or is it? In any case I opted not to mug the lady with the American Tourister suitcase sized purse.

I still had the headache, and I was no nearer to any relief than when I started. Then I remembered a particular game show from my youth..."Lets Make A Deal". I'm showing my age here but I don't care because I still look good. (okay I made that up) In the last minutes of the show Monty Hall (the host) would offer audience members cash for everyday items they might have on thier person. He might offer like 100 bucks for a paperclip or an ink pen. It was genius, crazy people digging through pockets and purses like mad trying to get that loot, all while dressed in ridiculous costumes. I miss that show.

So I went to a nurses station and announced that three ibufrofen tablets would be worth like 10 bucks. Guess what...it worked! And the kind nurse didn't even want the $10.00 There you go then. Ask and you shall receive, or ask and offer money and you shall receive.

Thats about all I have for now, Junior is having eye surgery and this is the nervous gibberish I am using to pass the time.

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-23T08:56:00.000-08:00

Hey Blog-buds! Just a note to wish you all a very Merry Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza or whatever holiday you do at your house. I am off to see the boy for a couple days. The money-pit is progressing nicely we have hired a contractor who apparently doesn't need to make a yacht payment this month. I will post more later and maybe something funny too! Depends if the local Home Depot has a sense of humor or a really fast security guy or something. I dunno for sure yet. I hate it that I have been too busy to write on here for a few weeks but I do peruse your posts from time to time and they are great as usual! Anyway, I will "see"? you all after the first of the year or maybe sooner, who knows? Have a great day!

I'm Still Here!

2009-12-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

Hey blogbuds, it just occurred to me that I have been absent from blog-class for a long time. I'm still here! I have been very very busy with one thing or another lately but I haven't forgotten you all! I am trying to get my house, (aka the money pit) ready for the return of my son. I will be returning to blogville soon though and will likely have some really good "i hate my contractor" stories. So don't delete me from your blogrolls just yet. Thinking of you all...Mark.

Really? How Hard Is This Stuff?

2009-12-02T00:29:00.000-08:00

Are some people just rude? Were they just not raised properly? In case people don't realize it when they are doing stupid shit that irritates me, I am offering up some tidbits of what I call life etiquette.

When I eat dinner at home I don't usually set out 3 forks, 2 spoons, and a separate knife for butter and steak. When I am preparing to sit down to a ham sammich and some chips, I don't think it's necessary to have a dinner plate, a bread plate,and a soup bowl. Likewise I don't need a water glass, a wine glass, and a teacup and saucer to drink a can of pop.(beer) Usually a single plate and a napkin are all that is required. I know, I am a total neanderthal.(so sue me Martha Stewart) There are some books available that teach etiquette, but sadly some normal, everyday situations didn't make the list. Here are a couple that come to mind.

First there is the "thank you wave". When I'm blazing through traffic at well over 100mph and I slow down to let Old Uncle Otis crowd into the Nascar race that I call rush hour, he should throw me a thank you wave. "Hey Mark, thanks for letting me in front of you even though you know I'm only going to drive 27mph. And I am going to be getting back off the hiway after 4 illegal lane changes in a 1 mile stretch of road because I am totally lost anyway." Is it really that hard to raise one hand and wave a simple thank you? I think not.

Next we have the "elevator hold". Really lady, how much longer is your trip to the friggin 2nd floor going to take because you let me get on the elevator? You know you just looked and saw me running towards you screaming like a madman to "hold the elevator". Did I scare you? Did you really feel like you were in danger of me mugging you? Did you think the other 4 people on the elevator were my accomplices, or was I planning on taking you all down? Maybe you thought my coffee was going to be used as a weapon...Again, I think not.

How about "please", "thank you", and "excuse me"? These may well be in the existing etiquette books, especially the please and thank you, but "excuse me" has several uses that people either don't know about or choose to ignore.
If someone crashes into you at the supermarket is it too much to ask for a simple "excuse me"?
How about when a fart slips out in the line at Starbucks?
Option A: Keep quiet and pretend I don't know it was you who dropped ass, even though I am standing right behind you and clearly saw your dress poof out 6 inches. Or...
Option B: Say excuse me!
What about the waitress at your local diner who reaches across the table to fill a water glass and dusts your cheeseburger with yesterdays underarm deodorant? Yeah, theres an "excuse me" moment...check please!

I could probably go on all night about this stuff, but I have some other stuff to do today. If you all will please excuse me, I will be signing off for now. Thank you and have a great day!

The Friendly?... Skies

2009-11-29T02:00:00.000-08:00

I was reading a post from one of my very favorite bloggers the other day and decided to post this. A thank you for the idea and a loud blog shout-out to Jessica at Booshy. She was telling a story about her sucky flight and it occurred to me that I too have been on some crappy flights.

One such flight was when The lovely wife, the son,and I were heading home to Anchorage from Kansas after a nice visit with our peeps.

Picture, if you will,passengers crying...yeah with tears and stuff. I would have bet you a paycheck that it was Skippy's (made up pilots name) first unassisted landing attempt. I remember telling Lovely that if he didn't land soon that I was going to do it for him. (note: I'm not a pilot) Finally though, after many many approaches and aborted landings... our pilot Skippy, the forces of gravity, and our almost certain lack of enough fuel to try even one more time got us safely on the ground. We were in Phoenix enroute to Anchorage. If not for the whole 3000+ miles to go thing, I swear I would have rented a car to finish the trip. It sucked.

Almost as bad as our trip from Honolulu to Dallas.
Our pilot informed us on takeoff that we would have 2 and a half hours of smooth flying. Let's see 8+ hours to get to Hawaii, and only 2 and a half to get back? I thought, Wow this is either one really fast jet or were fucked in a couple of hours.

Yep, fucked. Flight attendants had the first round of drinks served in about 15 minutes. Then a meal,and a second round of drinks. After about 2 hours I noticed them strapping themselves in their tiny flight attendant seats, If you're ever on a plane and you see that happening, ask the lady sitting next to you for all of her remaining Xanax. Trust me you will be glad you did. 6 hours of slamming around inside an aluminum tube at 35000 ft. and don't even think you are going to the shithouse, unless you brought a helmet in your carry-on bag. Truly sucked. In fact that flight turned me off Hawaii. Next time I will be on a ship thank you.

I remember another flight that I was on that was sort of freaky but cool so it doesn't entirely fit with the whole shitty flight theme. Anyway, myself and 5 other guys were going fishing in Seldovia, Alaska. We and our baggage were weighed before the air taxi people split us into 2 groups of 3. We were going to be in a tiny little plane so the pilot had to make 2 trips from Homer to Seldovia. Not a huge deal it's like a 10 minute flight. On our approach to land in Seldovia our pilot encouraged us to hang on as he would be stopping abruptly on touchdown, on a gravel pad known as the air strip... Wow, abruptly hardly explains that landing. Later I learned that it takes a lot more space to land a small plane than it does to take off. Who'da thunk it?

Ok last one...One Christmas I had sent Lovely wife, and son to Kansas for the holidays. I had to work so I wouldn't be joining them but secretly I planned to surprise them with a visit on Christmas Eve. I know, I'm cool like that. As my plane took off from Anchorage, I and pretty much everyone else on the flight noticed the pungent odor of a lot of smoke in the cabin. Hey this doesn't seem quite right. There was some fairly serious grumbling going on from my fellow passengers as well as some whispered prayers and probably some "Sorry I was such a crappy husband/wife I didn't love her/him it was purely physical"..blah blah blah confessions. Now if I have said it once I have said it a million times...don't start confessing stuff till the pilot tells you to. I think there is some kind of addendum they can throw out there to go along with the preflight "how to fasten a seatbelt" lecture.

Anyway we are all sort of wondering if they will be able to identify our bodies after being in the gulf of Alaska for a few days when Timmy(made up name) comes hopping down the center aisle with a screwdriver. I couldn't help myself, I started giggling. This kid who looked a lot like a 2nd year cubscout, thinks he is going to save us from our fiery plunge into the freezing cold ocean... with a screwdriver. You gotta know it was funny.

Soon the pilot informed us that we were indeed not on fire but we had blown a tire on takeoff and the tire was smoldering in it's little tire compartment under the plane. Not gonna die, perfectly ok to land minus one tire, aaaannnnnnd sorry for the heart attack. Thank you for choosing Delta and the weather in Salt Lake City is blah, blah, blah... I wonder if some of the passengers then spent the rest of the holiday season perusing the yellow pages for divorce lawyers.

Hey I would totally like to hear about your crappy flights too. Tell me in a giant comment or a tiny one, whatever you're comfortable with. See you next time!

Early, So What?

2009-11-25T09:00:00.001-08:00

OK did it again. enter key on right, tab key on left! Ahhh dyslexia. Just wanted to wish all of you a happy Thanksgiving holiday. Yeah I know it's early...so what? My blog, my rules.

I like Thanksgiving because I don't have to feel guilty about eating like a pig. OK I never feel guilty about over eating. Turkey is sort of gross, it isn't one of my favorite foods, chicken either. Oh, I will eat turkey if I go to someones house who is serving it. I'm just cool like that.

I prefer ham for holiday meals. It makes sense you know. Even the name ham has a yummy sound "HAMmmmm" Also if I'm gonna eat like a pig I think I should be eating...(wait for it)...A PIG! There you go.

Is it just me, or do other guys want to laugh and say "giggity" every time you hear a chick say they are going to "stuff their turkey"? I'm always wanting to say "I'll stuff yer turkey baby!" Well, not always.

It still amazes me that Lovely Wife puts up with my nonsense.

In any case, I hope you all have a fun, safe holiday. Enjoy your families and friends. Yipee I am spending the day with Lovely Wife, and The Boy!

For all of you who don't live in the U.S. Just have a good ordinary day. And feel free to eat as much as you want and then take a long nap in your favorite chair.

Little Bunny Fufu

2009-11-20T22:38:00.000-08:00

So there's this song for kids about Little Bunny Fufu. I think he goes a-hopping through the forest and something bops him on the head, or maybe he bops someone on the head. I can't remember because I'm old and usually drunk or high or something is wrong with me or something. Anyway I thought of Little Bunny Fufu the other night and wrote some new lyrics for his song based on something I saw:

Little Bunny Fufu, hopping through the forest,
hears a whistle blowing and runs into the night.

Whistle getting closer, bunny running faster,
sees the train a-coming, gets blinded by the light!

Here comes Little Fufu, scared that he is soon dead,
doesnt see the steel rail and whacks his bunny head!

Running very slow now, cant remember just how,
little bunny Fufu got this big bump on his head!

OK my engineer and I were laughing our asses off when we saw that bunny go running head first into the rail. Oh, he's ok, it accordioned him up for a second causing his bunny ass to meet up with his bunny head, but he scampered off towards the bushes looking very confused and embarassed.(off to rub his head no doubt) So if any of you happen to see a small brown, cross eyed bunny acting goofy and possibly with a slightly misshapen head...please tell him we're sorry and that we weren't going very fast. He had plenty of time to hop over the rail.

Friends And Vandals

2009-11-20T19:04:00.001-08:00

I was walking through the railroad yard today and saw some really nice "car-art". The typical painting you see on a rail car is either gang related nonsense, or someones name. The artists use some very creative fonts that sometimes make it near impossible to decipher.

Today however the art I saw was a silhouette of 3 children. The first was a little boy towing a kite behind and above him while a little girl and another little boy ran behind. It was done in white paint on a rust colored railcar. It was truly amazing. The scene brought only one word to mind, JOY. I felt happy just looking at it. It brought back memories of a different time, with no deadlines, no bills, and no pressing responsibilities. At first I thought I should take a picture of it and post it for the world to see. Then I thought no, this one is just for me. I needed it. Thank you to the vandal for turning my day/week/month around. I am willing to bet that whomever made the painting, did it for himself and didn't think about the effect it might have on me today. If a painting on the side of a railcar can make a positive difference in someones life, is it still vandalism? The railroads would say yes, me? I'm not so sure...today it is Art.

I read some very nice comments on my last post. It feels really good to be accepted and be part of something bigger than myself. Kind of felt like a cyber-hug from my blogbuds. Thank you all, I needed that today. I hope you all understand that I was not feeling good about what was coming out when I wrote. I think you deserve better posts. Your kind words and encouragement make me want to try harder and do better.

I have a new appreciation for professional writers. Writers Block. Sometimes words just will not come. Why? what external factors influence our thought process so much that we simply cannot find words? I think the answer is, all external factors! The weather, our health, our families, and our jobs. Yes, the very things that drive us to write can destroy our ability to string words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs. Life giveth and Life taketh away. Its a connundrum. I never gave any thought to it before because trust me I am never out of stuff to talk about...ever. I think though that sometimes too much stuff bouncing around inside my head makes it really tough to convey a thought. An overload of emotion positive or negative can make it terribly hard to put feelings into words.

What follows is what I feel may have caused my recent bout of bloggers block.

Comedy is a sort of double edge sword. There is nearly always an element of pain or humiliation involved with a laugh. No? Then why do we laugh when we see a kid smack a wiffle ball into his dad's nuts? Why is it hysterical to watch a drunken butt-head at a wedding trip and destroy a $1500 wedding cake? We laugh because it's FUNNY! (unless you're the bride or her dad who paid for the cake) It is in our nature to laugh at the pain and humiliation of others. Sad, but true.

Sometimes comedy can go to far. One of my favorite comediennes is Sarah Silverman. She regularly goes too far, I have seen her boo-ed on television. My guess is that Sarah isn't setting out to humiliate and offend people because she doesn't like them or to hurt them. I think she simply understands thats what comedy is...pain. Recently I made a joke and hurt someones feelings who I really care about. I was a little more callous than I needed to be and I am terribly sorry for that, there was no meanness or maliciousness intended. It was supposed to be funny. It wasn't recieved as such. It made me want to take a step back and re-evaluate my blogs genre. Here's the deal, funny is pretty much all I know. What if everything I write hurts someones feelings. Who the heck do I even think I am, maybe I should just stop.

So I took a break. I was miserable for days. I figured I had maybe lost one of my dearest friends in the world and not sure how to fix it. Not fun.

There is another issue that has been plaguing me for several days as well. I miss my family. For those who don't already know, my son has been hospitalized since the middle of May. He is very sick and had to recieve a bone marrow transplant. There have been many setbacks and scary times over the last few months. The changing of the seasons from spring to summer to autumn and now to winter has been tough. The bare branches on the trees are another reminder of how long he has been battling this illness. A reminder that we have not been a "regular" family for a long, long time. It's very hard, with the holiday season fast approaching to keep a smile on my face. Knowing that we will likely be spending our holidays in a hospital or at best in a home for cancer patients who have had or are waiting to have treatments. I do not feel sorry for myself. I feel a little lost, like I am only part of who I once was. The hours I spend on trains or reading, commenting,and writing on this site help me to focus on something other than my son's health, measured by cell counts and caloric intake, constant testing and re-testing,500 new doctors and new courses of action.

I keep a car in the city where my trains go so that I can escape the prison of my 10x15ft hotel room. I can go places and see things besides the 4 walls. That old car has been very handy to get back and forth to see my wife and son while I am in the city. Several days ago the brakes went out. Now I was without a vehicle. I was spending time 10 miles from my family with no way to go see them. IT SUCKED! Rather than haul it off to a shop to fix it my friend and co-worker who co-owns the car with me said he would fix it. We are both decent mechanics but we had no tools, and no shop to put it in so we were held hostage by the weather as well as the time of day when we got to the city. It is hard to work outside in the dark on a car, ask anyone. So last night I was sitting outside, with a flashlight at midnight in the cold fixing the car. It sucked hauling 80 lbs. of wrenches around all day on a train but now I feel better knowing now I have my ride back. It has been too long since I have seen my family. I am also packing around 10lbs of mail that the lovely wife hasn't gotten yet.

There you have it.
Sick son, irregular family life, looming holiday season, seriously damaged friendship, and a broken car.

It's amazing really. Your kind words and a painting on the side of a boxcar have moved me to put thoughts back into written words. Thank You Friends and Vandals.

Lets Try This

2009-11-18T17:12:00.000-08:00

Shit, I hate it when I confuse the tab key with the enter key. Pisses me off cause BOOM you just published...a title! Ugh! So now I feel compelled to write something in here, anything. My blog mind is a blank slate. His Majesty the Cat is watching me and looking rather perturbed that I am not letting him pet himself on my hand. Spoiled Cat. Eveytime I look at him he's all like..."Well?"... I don't know.

So I am getting ready for the holiday next week. Trying to make sure my belly stays stretched out ready to accept mass quantities of grub. Took 3 days off work to be with the family so that should be fun.

OMG... Could this be any lamer? Is lamer even a word? perhaps more lame would be better. Either way I am keeping it short so you wont have killed more than like 3 minutes to read it. Comments are totally unneccesary. The fact is I don't think it's fun for me right now to be blogging. I guess I need to go back and think about why this all seemed so important for a couple of months. Something has changed, not entirely sure what it is. I still enjoy reading the posts from my blogbuds, and I will be commenting on your posts because...you guys are awesome! I have had a good time writing and reading and interacting with you all. I feel like I kind of know some of you, and I am happy to have known you through your posts. Sheesh I feel like I am moving away from the old neighborhood.

So I'm taking a break. Or retiring. Until I have something funny or important to say, I'm done.

My Lame Comment.

2009-11-16T07:32:00.000-08:00

Apparently some people demand a re-comment that they feel is worthy of the time and effort that they put into their comment. You know who you are and here is me correcting my lameness. No, not secretly in a text message, but right out here for all the world to see. Happy now crybaby? Oh wait,

"Oh, oh, thank you so much for your well thought out comment on my post. I can tell by what you wrote that you really think I'm clever and funny. It's obvious that you spent a shit load of time choosing just the right words to convey your thoughts. I hope to be more like you someday and I think we should get together and have some lunch next week...my treat...and discuss the post in even greater detail as some of the finer nuances may have been lost in the literal translation of said idea"

That better?

I am soooo making you buy my lunch.

You know I'm kidding right? No, not about you buying lunch, that part is real! The very coolest part of me posting this just might be the fact that since it is a public lameness correction you really won't be able to say too much about it in your comment. You pretty much have to be all like "Oh, who would say such a thing" Knowing this is making me laugh hysterically. Something wicked coming my way?
LMAO, I fear you not O' scary person wannabe. So where you takin me for lunch?

In the future I will try to be more aware of my re-comments. I will strive to isolate and eliminate the lameness gene from the DNA of my re-comments. Really, I promise...cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. (or is it, cross my heart, cannot lie, wish I had some freakin pie?) I'm hungry.

Left of Center Award!

2009-11-15T04:29:00.000-08:00

Thanks and a HUGE shout out to Leese at Living Me 101 for sending me this award. Now this is how awards should be passed along. It feels really personal or something, like a gift, of underwear. Yeah thats it. And she made it herself. Leese made underwear and gave it to me...wait, not underwear, the award thats like underwear, but really nice underwear, silk or something equally shiny and slippery.

It's weird how all the good stuff is either shiny or slippery or both...like a goldfish. A real goldfish, not the snack crackers. Luckily this award, like shiny, slippery underwear won't be dying soon and need to be flushed down the crapper like a goldfish would. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

"This award is better than a goldfish"

Hmm. This will be a very tough award to pass on because it is quite specific. I'm not gonna try to pass it just yet, but I couldnt wait to post it on my blog so here it is! I may just keep it for myself and never pass it on...would that be wrong?

I will be posting something in a day or two so please don't abandon me yet. Been sort of busy lately. Just time enough to lurk and comment from time to time. Love all your blogs so just keep doing the same sort of stuff or change it or whatever. See how scatterbrained I have become? Wow!
Gotta run...Thanks again Leese!

Wow, Another Award?

2009-11-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

A big shout out to Leese over at Living Me 101 for honoring me with this award.

First off, has anyone seen Kanye? I will kick his ass right off this stage if he starts his crap.

This is a special award because it requires nothing from the recipient! Good thing too, since so many of my blogbuds are wrapped up in nanowrimo,(Jessica and Spot) Thanksgiving,(everyone) having jobs,(Cynica) and going on freakin vacations (Lilu!) this month. Following tradition I will be passing this award along to a few of my sweetest blogbuds. Oh since Chrissy is on blog-cation somebody send it her way please.
For the Award I nominate:

Cynica Sarcastamos @ What I'm Sayin

Spot @ What Passes For Sane On A Crazy Day

Danica @ Platitude Paradise

Kathryn @ From the Inside Out

Hmm, did I forget anyone? If I did feel free to swipe the button you know I think you're all sweet...Um BlackLog and Kurt, not that way. More of a manly sort of sweet. LMAO

The Interview Pt. 2

2009-11-10T06:34:00.000-08:00

Due to my interviewer freaking out during our last session, we had to reschedule our time and start over. This is part 2 of our interview.

Interviewer: Are we ready to try this again?

Me: Sure but no guarantees, you want a beer before we start?

I: It's 8:30 in the morning...you think you should be drinking?

M: I'm not sure.

I: I understand your first blog post references a friend who is writing a screenplay. How is that going?

M: I don't know. We don't talk about that anymore.

I: Oh? Trouble in blog paradise?

M: No. We both just have really short attention spans, if you couple that with almost no adult supervision you are left with the mess that is our collective thought process.

I: So, what do you talk about?

M: Different stuff.

I: Such as?

M: I promised I wouldn't say poop and pee.

I: OK Never mind then. Your blog post "I LUV MY JOB" talks about your work on the railroad, is that fulfilling?

M: I'm not sure "work" is an accurate description of my railroad job. I usually just sit and look out the window. And write blog posts.

I: So, would you be comfortable calling yourself an aspiring writer?

M: It depends on what I was doing when I called myself an aspiring writer.

I: I'm sorry, I don't follow.

M: Well, if I was sitting in my easy chair then yes, I would be comfortable. But, if I were say standing outside a burning building in the freezing cold wearing a shower curtain I would be uncomfortable.

I: The hell are you even talking about?

M: Sorry, I was trying to think of a very uncomfortable situation.

I: I should say so. Where did you come up with that scenario?

M: My blog-buddy Danica's blog.

I: I see.

M: It would also be very uncomfortable to be trapped in a haunted garage cubby hole.

I: Another blog reference?

M: Yes, from Spot's blog. Spooky stuff.

I: What would you do with a million dollars?

M: Probably build a big prodution set and create video blog posts spoofing tv movies and commercials. Then I would buy a really nice cape to wear to pbandtuna next year.

I: PB and Tuna?

M: LiLu's birthday party. Another blogger. Waaaay funny.

I: I shudder to think. So do you read several other blogs then?

M: Yes, they're listed in my "blogs I follow" area. There's a lot of talent here. Writers, artists, photographers, and comedians.

I: Your favorite?

M: All of them.

I: What was that look all about?

M: I just farted.

I: Thats it! We are done here. It's clear your main interest in life is goofing off, and making my life miserable.

M: Thats a fairly accurate observation but we just got started. I thought I might do some limmericks!

I: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

The Interview Pt. 1

2009-11-09T02:15:00.000-08:00

I decided to try an interview type post. I totally stole the idea from Kathryn's Blog I hope you like it.

Interviewer: Mark Price, Creative name you use to sign your blog posts.

Me: Yeah I got it from my folks.

I: I see, how long have you been blogging

M: About 30 minutes today...I type really slow.

I: Actually I meant when did you start your Screenplay blog?

M: Oh, a couple months ago.

I: How would you describe your blog? The content?

M: I think it's a mix of chaos and confusion. I really just want to make people laugh.

I: I see you write an awful lot about, um, bodily functions. Why?

M: I'm not sure what you mean...the poop and pee thing?

I: Yeah, the poop and pee thing.

M: I really haven't got an answer for that. I wake up every day and write about whats on my mind. Maybe I woke up those mornings needing to go poop or pee.

I: OK, TMI. Lets talk about...

M: Of course if I need to pee that early in the morning the odds are that I will have a pee-on. I never blog about pee-ons.

I: I'm not sure I even know what a pee-on is.

M: It's like a hard-on, but its caused from having to pee real bad while you're sleeping. It's kind of a morning surprise. One minute you're asleep, the next you're all like "Well, hello friend, where'd you come from". Some guy's call it morning wood.

I: OK, OK, I think I've got it!

M: Morning wood? Now? Um, its afternoon. That wouldn't be a pee-on.

I: I don't have a pee-on! Never mind, where were we?

M: Hey it's totally ok if you have a "chubby" but I'm straight as an arrow...sorry to dissappoint you.

I: I'M NOT DISSAPPOINTED!!! Can we do this another time?

M: Riiiiiight. OK.

Post # 60...Really?

2009-11-07T12:33:00.002-08:00

So I have been pretty blogstipated for a few days and was starting to feel like I had nothing to say...I know weird. This post is me opening my typing mouth and seeing if anything comes out. I thought post #60 should be something special or interesting or funny but the truth is I got nothin! So I went back over my shortlived blogging career and just read some old posts. Fun stuff. One thing I noticed was the regular use of acronyms in the comments.

WTF is a popular one but what does it mean? The "W" is the variable, is it Who, What, When, Where, or Why? Of course the "F" is also interchangeable. F**k, Frown, Fellow, Fun, or Freak! I don't know wtf people are saying when they use WTF.

And what about LOL? Is there a level of praise attached to the variations of an online giggle? For instance is LOLOL better than just plain old LOL? And what about LMAO? Surely there is a difference. If you get a ROFLMAOOL you should probably get a prize to go with it right?

Why is BRB never associated with, Been Real Busy? How do we know for sure that the "F" in BFF isn't the same "F" in WTF? That would certainly change things huh?

Then you have the ever present OMG. It is like a blog comment staple item. Like salt in a blog comment recipe. If I had a nickle for every OMG in bloggville, I would be rich.

So with that said I will go back to thinking about my next post, but I will leave you with this...
WTF am I doing LMAO OL while reading posts from my BFF's blog and other BBB's? IKR? BTW, OMG my BGF is a PITA sometimes...BION! JK! TTYL!

WTF???

To Pee or Not To Pee

2009-11-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

This is gonna be a long ass post so if you need to pee do it now, we are not pulling over! And grab an aspirin cause this may give you a killer headache. This is a text conversation I had with my friend last night. I thought it was funny so I'm posting it here for all the world to see.(both my regular readers)(oh and her ) Be advised, I typed for like 3 hours so you could be a text voyuer.(sp?) If it sux, Just say hey this sux and I wont do part 2 tomorrow. Really? you ask. Yes really! Buckle up here we go.

Friend, (hereafter referred to as F): I sent you an e-mail of my first kids book.

Me, (hereafter referred to as M): Friend, I really liked imagining the pics, till I had to picture a little dog pissing on a tree. Really? Is the sequel gonna feature little Boo in heat getting gang dog-raped and going on Maury? Hmm? I loved it sans the pee though. Nice story and visuals, excellent phrasing.

F: No pee? Really? Hmm you don't look like a priss...u dont sound like a priss but for someone so poop obsessed you want no pee? Me thinks youre a total priss!

M: Priss? Hello Kettle? its me the pot! We're talking about 4 yr olds here!

F: ogs pee on everything and ma and pa always have their noses in their laptops...no?

M: Im writing a new grinds my gears post.

F: Dont change the subject Prissy Price!

M: I noticed my musings arent as funny when read aloud, is that normal?

F: see previous message

M: I cant help changing the subject and you forgot to send one of your texts. I have one that begins with ...ogs pee on everything.(pg 1 missing)

F: Scroll
F: Heres the deal Gloria,I have a smartphone unlike fruit phones my texts dont get split up into whatever wont choke my phone. a long text comes in one long flowing bubble...get a real phone!

M: Gloria is in the shower!
M: BTW this is great dialog for a post, im giggling a lot.

F: So back to the pee thing

M: well I dont see my sister buying a book for my neices that involves dog piss
M: I dont recall reading my kid any books with dog piss in them. totally would have put a new spin on the "Golden Books" though.

F: R U Kidding? Pee is really that offensive? ask around for me.

M: When your publisher says "we love it but lose the urine or its a no-go" thats pretty clear. And I will not be asking random people their views on pee in childrens books.

F: Who R U?

M: I'm Alphonse, call me!

F: TJI (this just in) Kids love anything with pee and poop whatswrongwithyou?

M: I will ask Lovely wife she is a pee poop authority.
M: Well I asked the boy he says no pee!

F: quit lying HEIR POOPMEISTER! I call a BS boy conspiracy!

M: I asked lovely wife she said pee...out! woo-hoo

F: what is wrong with you Kansassaurases? poo and pee are kiddies friends, they love em!

M: LOL

F: Everything has poop and pee in it now. theres a popular kids book called Why we Poop, and The Gas We Pass too. Where ya been Pricestone? weve missed you at the quaaaaaarry!

M: those books are poop specific though, to explain to kids why they poop. Yours is about finding something that sounds like "E" Its 3 to 1 against.
M: So is it published yet?

F: You really think a parent is gonna freak out over pee? Really? Yeah but you dont have a 5 yr old plus you put ketchup on everything!

M: I had a 5 yr old once and I have 4 neices and nephews age 5 and under...Im a pro.

F: Why yes, yes it is! Shut up. Geez! No it's not published- U know that Alphonseretta! But I dont think pee is a deal breaker. Maybe, but I aint seein it Gloria. I think I should pose the question on my blog.

M: Come on, bloggers are fibbers, they will say they love it just to be nice.

F: I before E except after C

M: what?

F: Neices is wrong. Duh get spell check

M: Really? pfffft.

F: Im not a blog liar. If I say I like it I really do.

M: me too but everyone cant be us. I know I have posted sum crap.

F: Back to your android nIEces and nephs, they wouldnt laugh at pee?

M: They might but their moms wouldnt, therefore no book sales. Well?

F: Well what? if you think it needs something else come up with it dont just sit there. Grief. monkey.

M: you got quiet and their is spelled correctly E before I... so PFFFT!

F: LOL, Thats a German word!

M: Their is a German word? I use it all the time. Hmm Im bilingual I guess.

F: Kidding my little assisant DA. I got nothin.

M: How bout this. Try doin without the pee and just send them home to dinner. Say goodbye to their friends at the park and off they go.

F: What about kite time and brushing their teeth? Did u read the whole thing? What? You were traumatized when u got to the pee part and couldnt go on?

M: I only got to there. I thought it was the end. Thats all that came. Last word was pee. Theres more? Hmm that may help. Send balance please.

F: Theres that pesky little SCROLL word again.

M: LMAO! I scrolled! I found the rest LOL
M: OK if I didnt luv u I wouldnt say this...I hate the balloon verse. Read it aloud and see if you still like it.

F: damn fruity phones anyway. So does it make the pee more acceptable? I'll re-read the balloon part. Judgy Wudgy was a bear...remember it's for little kids. theyre nice and they like balloons! So re-word it for me, O Red Headed Einstein.

M: Agreed I like the idea of balloons but give one to anyone who says theyre pretty? Bluuuuck. stand by a sec.

F: note to self: make a balloon verse rhymeing one and fun.

(OKay at this point I gave her a sweet line but it may be protected so.....)

F: Excellent but can we include sharing them too? Plus all the verses need the same sing songy rythem. KWIM?

M: Yeah, oh writer extrordinaire its called iambic pentameter or something. Why share the balloons? Thats crap, maybe take one home to mom.
M: Oh and Um rythem is rythm...no E and rhymeing is rhyming...also no E. google it.

F: OH God I've created a monsta!

M: Ya.

What Grinds My Gears vol. 3

2009-11-02T20:27:00.000-08:00

You know what grinds my gears? Chain E-Mails. They promise good luck, fortunes, and miracles all for the low low price of irritating the crap out of your friends. Helloooo I don't need any help to be irritating. Ask anyone who knows me.

It really pisses me off to be minding my own business when some do-gooder feels the need to wreck my day with a chain E-Mail. These things come wrapped in all sorts of pretty little E-packages with their humorous or inspiring prose wrapped inside. Once I got one that had quotas attached to it. "Pass this on to 8 people and your day will be filled with good luck. Pass it on to 15 people and your dreams will come true in a month. Pass it on to 30 people and a giant goose will crap you out a golden turd! OK I made up the goose, but you get the gist.

Stop sending me these things people, I don't want them and I will not be sending them along to others. The fact that you sent it to me makes you partially responsible for the chain being broken. Even if it worked would it be worth it to irritate everyone in my contact list just to wake up to a bathtub filled with strippers and melted snickers bars?
OK that might make me do it.

Heres the thing, I believe in miracles and good luck but I don't believe they are prerequisite to me annoying the piss out of 8 of my friends. Thanks for listening!
Back to you Tom.

Memories

2009-10-31T20:16:00.000-07:00

OK Readers this is sooo not my normal post content but I wrote it and I am posting it. Hate it? Too bad. My blog, my rules!

Well one of my favorite holidays has come and gone. Time to put away the styrofoam Jack-o-Lanterns for another 12 long months.

I really like Halloween. The children at my door and their shouts of "trick or treat", The colorful costumes and the smiling painted faces. Mom or Dad standing back on the sidewalk watching their little ones taking what may be their first solo flight into the world. Reminding them to always say thank you before leaving the porch. Perhaps remembering their youth, and feeling a little older, but at the same time proud that their offspring are carrying on a tradition that preceeds even their parents, and smiling.

I noticed that the smallest ghoulies, the first timers, are 100% against putting candy in their bag. They prefer to have the candy in their hands. Maybe they feel that, using the bag is akin to putting the goodies away. Older kids say in the 5yrs thru 8yrs range will use the goodie bag but they will look inside it even though they clearly saw you drop the candy inside. Still older kids above say 8yrs don't seem to care as long as you give them something. They have an agenda, fill this thing up with as much stuff as possible before Mom or Dad says it's time to go home. Their vast experience, gained from Halloweens past, has taught them that this collection process will end all too soon, and they know they need to hit as many homes as possible during the time allowed.

If memory serves, getting home was almost as exciting as being out there in the fracas. I remember dumping out my bounty on the kitchen table and discovering what beautiful sugary treasures I had accumulated throughout the night. There I would sit, gazing upon my loot thinking about how delicious it all looked, my mouth watering at the thought of all that candy.

Now as an adult I can still go back to that special time. I see it in the faces of the little ones at my door and I remember. Thank you little ones, for giving me back a few hours of my youth. See you next year!

Evolution

2009-10-31T16:47:00.001-07:00

I sometimes think as humans we often do stuff that hinders our progress up the evolutionary ladder.

I recall from some time ago that a "friend" of mine,(may have been me) had some doggie-doo in his yard. Dogshit in the yard is a problem. While there may have been some questions of whom was responsible for removing the offending turd, it had yet to be disposed of. Being a human I chose to ignore rational thinking and left the dung where it was. I will call this inaction evolutionary failure #1.
The day that I went boldly into the yard to do who-knows-what, I, being evolutionally challenged, stepped in the dogshit that, well...that I knew was out there! This would be evolutionary failure #2
Now, not only do I have dogshit in my yard, it's on my shoe as well. This may have made me mentally reprimand myself for leaving the turd there in the first place, if I hadn't been moving downward at an alarming rate of speed. There I lay in the dogshitted yard with my dogshittty shoe and now a matching dogshit splatter on the ass of my jeans. Yep, evolutinary failure #3.
I have heard people talk about accidents always happening in 3's, so maybe I thought for a second that my "turd-venture" was finally over. I soon figured out though that this was no accident. This chain of events was an exercise in evolutionary failures. The accidents in 3's rule did not apply. Not today, not for me.
I got to my feet and wiped off my jeans...with my hand!

So there you have it. Dogshit in my yard, on my shoe, on my jeans, and finally on my hand. 4 evolutionary failures...Laziness, Forgetfulness, Clumsiness, and Stupidity.
What say you now Mr. Darwin?

ps. Sorry Danica, another poop story!

Halloween

2009-10-31T16:34:00.001-07:00

I totally didn't prepare a spooky story for Halloween but here's a picture of my "spooky" house. We think it isn't haunted. :(

Lest there be any question...

2009-10-30T12:57:00.001-07:00

A thought occurred to me today. What if my blog-buds think I am all uber-talented with making stuff up to write about. I'm here to say that this is soooo not the case. My imagination is ok at best. I blog about things that make an impression on me during the day. Sometimes I do reminisce about things from the past but it's mostly because I have recently been reminded of the event and possibly have a new "take" on it. As I get older and presumably wiser things tend to look different to me. When I was 8 yrs. old, eating a whole package of Oreo's seemed like an ok idea. Now at 44 I know that too much sugar is bad for me. Might not stop me from eating the cookies, but at least I won't be confused about the belly ache.
My blog posts are for the most part true events, and real thoughts. I know some of the thinking is a little skewed, but thats just how I roll. I look at something, question it's place in my world, and then write about my conclusions. It helps me to understand things if I put them in a "me" perspective. If I can find no reasoning to a particular something, I will usually put my own spin on it. Thereby making it more acceptable to me. (as my lovely wife says, it's all about ME.) Think of it as showing the work to figuring out a math problem. In any case my blog is me. A very good friend of mine reads these posts and would tell you that they are a pretty good representation of how things are processed inside my little mind. So, if you saw it here, there's a good chance it happened. I usually don't even bother changing the names to protect the innocent.
So, anyone still wanna read this stuff? I hope so because I may say something important someday and you will all be bummed out if you miss it. Or I will be.

That Depends,

2009-10-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

Not gonna make it...
Not gonna make it...
Room key! Where's my room key?! Son of a....
OK bags down, light, LIGHT...Where's the friggin light?
Belt buckle, button fly open, come on come onnnn! Zipper down, AHhhhh! Made it.

I nearly just peed my pants. 44 years old and already wondering if "depends" might be the way to go. Whats the big deal? So my ass would look somewhat fuller and more voluptu-ass, I don't care that much. A giant ass seems like a small price to pay for freedom. Think of how nice it would be to just stop whatever you are doing and pee in your pants. Babies do it all the time, and almost everyone likes babies. They totally have it made too. If they get tired of crawling they just cry a little and someone picks them up and carries them around. Hungry? Couple of whines and a boob pops in your mouth. Pretty sweet deal if you ask me. (probably why almost no one asks me stuff)

I wonder if the "depends" come scented? I really don't want to be smelling like pee all the time. I guess I could spray some deodorant down there or something. I would always have a soft place to sit and they would be really warm on my man parts in winter. So, lets see...

PROS:
Pee anytime or anywhere I want,
Soft place to sit,
Warm in winter.

CONS:
Bigger ass,
possible pee smell.

Looks like the pros have it, see you at Wal-Mart!

I wonder what will happen if...

2009-10-27T18:44:00.001-07:00

ok try this click here

Kreativ Blogger...(sorry to disappoint)

2009-10-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

A big thank you to Spot over at whatpassesforsaneonacrazyday She thought I needed to get all personal or something. I will do my best to make her proud.

What I'm supposed to do is write 7-10 facts about me then pass the “Kreativ Blogger’ award on to other favorite bloggers of mine. So read on...if you dare!

1: Not a lot of people know I used to be a redhead.

2: I prefer to think about things a lot before I actually do anything. It often gets me accused of being lazy, not true. I'm all about doing stuff as long as there is a point to it.

3: I do not start trouble. I do however like to make sure trouble stays stirred up. My motto: "sometimes you have to whack the hornets nest with a stick and see what flies out".

4: Currently married to my second wife, who was a close friend of my first wife. Simmer down...I totally met her after the divorce.

5: I don't like my job because it is terribly hard on my family life. I do like my job because it pays ok and gives me awesome benefits.

6: I almost never lose my temper anymore. I was a real hothead when I was younger but now it all seems a little foolish. Makes a lot more sense to me to just go to my happy place when I get irritated. Thank you Pfizer < totally kidding!

7: I'm a horrible typer. (typist?) I hunt and peck my way through these blog posts. This alone should make you be all like "Wow he must spend hours typing these posts for us."

8: My life is pretty much an open book. If someone wants to know something about me they should just ask me. This is really tough because I don't have any secrets that I know of.

9: I'm on facebook but I don't do farms or mafia wars or cafes or aquariums.

10: I really think you are all talented writers and I'm glad you let me hang around with you.

Thats pretty much all I can tell you at this point. If anything new pops up I will probably blog post it on a TMI Thursday. Sorry if this was a let down. I do better with direct questioning. Somebody (Kathryn) should come up with a nice fill in the blanks interview to pass around the blogosphere. Oh and I'm totally keeping the award picture.

Thanks Spot!

I will be tagging some people who are probably way more interesting than me:

1:Cynica
2:Todd X
3:Heather
4:Leese
5:Filmgirl

Loser?

2009-10-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

Today I hung out in the shower till my fingertips went all pruny. I know right? It wasn't because I was overly gross or anything, I was trying to remember where I lost my belt.

I sometimes lose things. Maybe it's because, as my lovely wife tells me, I don't pay attention. I'm pretty sure thats not it though. Losing things is pretty universal right? I mean everyone has lost something at some time. Some people will try to pretty up the fact that they lost something by saying "it got misplaced". Totally different dealio. Misplaced is when you will almost certainly find the item in question. Lost is when you pretty much have given up on ever seeing the item again.

So you still think the two words are interchangeable? Try it this way, "I misplaced my virginity". See? Doesn't work. I know it's not a real good example because most of us "gave away" our virginity. There are however several documented cases of people waking up from a drunken after-prom party and being all like, "Hey, where's my virginity?" Mmm good times.

The item I hate losing most in the world is my keys. I can go for days without a wallet or a pocket knife or my watch, but my keys? Ugh. I get physically ill when I can't find my keys. Lovely wife will attest to my lost keys obsession. She actually giggled at me once when I was being a complete baby after having lost my keys.

I'm positive I will never see my belt again. It is lost. If any of you have lost some item and gone all freaky about it I would love to hear your story. Think of it as kind of a support group for people who lose things...does that make us...wait for it....LOSERS? LOL, I don't think so.
Thanks for stopping by! (has anyone seen my keys?)

And the award goes to....

2009-10-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Spot at whatpassesforsaneonacrazyday
Sheesh I hope I did this right! She tagged me for this award a couple days ago and I was soooo excited!
So here it goes...

USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.
Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? hand
2. Your hair? grey
3. Your mother? inspiring
4. Your father? genuine
5. Your favorite food? pizza
6. Your dream last night? scary
7. Your favorite drink? beer
8. Your dream/goal? happiness
9. What room are you in? library
10. Your hobby? blog
11. Your fear? Loss
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? camping
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? young
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? sailboat
17. Where did you grow up? kansas
18. Last thing you did? farted
19. What are you wearing? boxers
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? cat
22. Friends? best
23. Your life? busy
24. Your mood? neutral
25. Missing someone? Linda
26. Vehicle? expedition
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? starbucks
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When was the last time you laughed? recently
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
32. Your best friend? Wife
33. One place that I go to over and over? hospital
34. One person who emails me regularly? sister
35. Favorite place to eat? home

For this award I am tagging:

1. Todd X
2. Cynica
3. Kurt
4. Filmgirl
5. BlackLog
6. Leese

Have an "Over the Top" day!!!

Marketing For The Masses...

2009-10-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching TV the other night. I know what you must be thinking, "Ol Price sure watches a lot of TV." It's true, and I know it's wrong but when I'm stuck in the hotel for hours there isn't much else to do. (squeaky inner voice...what about the workout room?)
Please stand by while I choke out my inner voice.

So anywhat, there I am watching TV and a toilet paper commercial comes on. It features a mother cartoon bear and her young cub. The cub had apparently just taken a nice dump and mom was checking his asshole to see if he had properly wiped. As it turned out the cub had indeed wiped but there was still a collection of toilet paper dingleberries stuck to his ass. The reason? Sub-standard toilet paper.

Now I ask myself, what marketing genius came up with this? I wish I could have been at the meeting that surely went something like this...

TP Exec: I see our competitors have begun quilting their toilet paper. How are we going to compete with that?

Marketing #1: Well sir we feel you should lower prices and play the bad economy sympathy card.

TP Exec: We are in the business of making money, not losing it! YOU ARE BANISHED!
(at this point a surly looking dwarf jumps out and punches marketing guy in the nuts)

TP Exec: NEXT!

Marketing #2: Sir our plan is to try and copy the quilting process only with a slightly different pattern. Then claim our pattern is more shit absorbent.

TP Exec: Thats the stupidest idea ever. How can one pattern absorb more shit than another...YOU ARE BANISHED!
(again the surly dwarf jumps out and punches marketing guy in the nuts)

TP Exec: NEXT!

Marketing #3: Well sir, (sweating) My team feels that toilet paper dingleberries are a real problem in today's society. We plan to use cartoon bears to show how your product will leave fewer dingleberries while still absorbing all the shit smears.

TP Exec: (dwarf cracks knuckles and smiles) Wait! That just may work. Just before this meeting, my secretary pointed out that while scratching my taint, a toilet paper dingleberry had become lodged under my fingernail. That could have been very embarrasing.
Congratulations boy, you have the account! (holds out hand and marketing guy disgustedly shakes it. Dwarf smells fingers)

And so it came to pass that, a company sells us a product using cartoon bears to play on our fear of dingleberries.
Simply Amazing!

Don't Pet The Turtle!

2009-10-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

So my friend Brock has this fascination with turtles, and the turtles may be getting fond of him as well. A little history...
Brock's little girl (who is cool and may grow up to be a ninja) was needing a new pet. The cat was pretty scratchy and irritable so Brock figured a turtle would be a good second choice pet. So began the saga of "Slow Becky". Fitting name for a box turtle I thought. His daughter is smart. Slow Becky had a ton of adventures. She got to take a couple of train rides and stayed overnight in some of our fine railroad approved hotels. She survived the great power outage in the winter of 07/08. But Slow Becky was no spring chicken...err, turtle, she had a lot of miles on her shell and sadly she passed away peacefully one night as she slept.

Brock's house was to remain turtle free for many long months. Last week a new turtle "came" into Brocks life, or rather, into his hand! Apparently he was holding "Slow Becky II" and was presented with a fist full of baby-batter...turtle style! He realized what was happening when he looked down and saw some turtle junk hanging proudly out of the shell and was adequately grossed out. Afterwards, Slow Becky II (which hardly seems an appropriate name given the junk) was looking quite satisfied with himself and like any good man, drifted off to sleep leaving Brock to clean up the gooey mess.
So waddaya think? TMI? Have a nice Thursday!

Meet Hot Singles...

2009-10-20T19:35:00.000-07:00

OK I may take this post down in a couple days cause it is soooo mean sounding. I don't even know why I'm publishing it. Yes I do but it is a secret. hee hee!

Dating services. What ever will we think of next. These things are everywhere. My tv is running non-stop commercials, and my junk inbox is full of crap e-mails offering to help me "meet hot singles now!" There is even a TV show now about a dating service that matches women with eligible millionaires. They should call it "Who Want's to Date A Sugar Daddy" Thats right I said sugar daddy. These women don't want just any hard working, honest, loyal, good looking man. They want a millionaire. Pre-requisite of at least $2mil. Really? Simply amazing. Shallow friggin hookers. Thats right I said hookers. I hope they enjoy their handful of cash when they sit on a porch alone watching a sunset or try to keep warm on a cold night knowing their new boyfriend is at that very moment going sack deep in his secretary's ass. Maybe she can call his huge account in the Caymans and see if it laughs at her friggin dry ass jokes. These men say that they are "just too busy" to find love the old fashioned way. Maybe after they make a love connection on the show their new woman hooker can be all sittin alone in his big ass house or feeding his dogs while he is out being too busy. Busy trying to keep her gold diggin ass wrapped in Armani. Sweety pie if you get all your work done I will bring you something extra special, a gift that goes beyond the pre-nup, A scorching case of herpes. Yeah then she will have the good life. I have heard wealthy people say they are afraid that potential dates are only interested in their money, Um, on this show thats a guarantee buddy!
Shame on the people who run these businesses. People will surely do anything to line their pockets. The online dating thing is my favorite scam. People lining up to give some jackass a pile of dough to meet their dream girl. I've been paying attention, the commercials say there are millions of people doing it and yet they always show like the same 5 couples. Hmm 5 out of millions? Wow I'm glad these guy's aren't in charge of landing 747's at OHare. Yeah think about it. Somebody must be paying for all the crap e-mails and the stupid TV commercials. I have a friend who moonlights in the matchmaking business. She says it works but I have to wonder. When I go to a restaurant and try something new it sometimes doesn't look or taste as good as I expected but I eat it anyway. Why? Because I paid for it. I'm not about to be made a fool of. Granted if my food shows up covered in goat hairs I will demand my money back. If my bought date showed up covered in goat hair she is probably a goat. Paying someone to meet eligible goats is at the very least wrong and maybe even illegal. So I will go on my paid for date and do my very best to justify her imperfections. That way I won't feel so ripped off when I get home later and call a real hooker. It's a rip off. Background checks are $39 online so sell that crap somewhere else. And if you feel you need a background check should you really be dating this person anyway? Get over yourselves you are most likely not so friggin important that you need someone else to find you a date. But it does make it awfully nice to have someone else to blame when it doesn't work out huh? You get to tell all your raquetball buddies how you got screwed by some dating service. Maybe they will feel sorry for you and jerk you off after the game. People please stop doing stupid stuff just to make other people rich. It's pissin me off. Really. All of you have a friend who can suggest a date for you, if your friends won't do you that favor guess what, they think you're a piece of shit. If however you have no friends you probably are a piece of shit and you should kill yourself immediately.

Well Done!

2009-10-19T02:29:00.000-07:00

I bitch about my job...frequently. The crappy hours the no days off and most of all the boredom. On a recent trip however I decided that I didnt have the worst job ever, or even the most boring one.

Our main line in Kansas City runs past a huge, abandoned building complex. Some of the buildings have missing doors, and most have their windows knocked out. The area is however, for some odd reason unbeknownst to me, patrolled by a security guard. Really? This makes as much sense to me as putting a lock on my garbage can. Anyway the security company has a guy who drives around the area in a little truck all night long, armed only with a spotlight and his razor sharp wit. I call him the "Protector of The Cones!" See there's a little driveway that crosses our tracks and someone has put up 3 traffic cones to prevent vehicles from entering the area. Anyone on foot can enter anywhere, because there is no fence. A good part of the time the security man can be found parked directly behind these cones. Bravely protecting them from, I don't know...cone bandits?

This guy has got to be so bored he wants to kill himself every night. I sometimes wonder if he sits there in his truck staring at the cones, reflecting on his life and his career choices. I guess recently someone else was concerned about his emotional well being because they put one of his cones on our tracks where it fell victim to the steel wheels of a 200 ton locomotive and was mercilessly cut in two!

I figure he immediately realized that his previously impenetrable fortress wall had been breached. This realization almost certainly reminded him that his job as "Protector of The Cones" was important, even vital!

There he was, a lone commander minus one third of his soldiers! His "trio of ultimate security", was suddenly a duet! Being a resourceful leader, he retrieved his now 2 piece cone. He then called upon the "ancient knowlege of security", buried deep in his psyche and quickly formulated a plan. "It's crazy", he thought. "Just crazy enough to work"!
He placed the bottom half of the cone in it's rightful place on the ground then jammed the remainder of it right on top of it! Success!

His cones were back where they belonged. His tiny orange army was standing proud, and his abandoned fortress was once again safe from intruders. All thanks to his quick thinking and years of experience. Perhaps a lesser man would have been afraid. But not he. He has tasted fear and has no appetite for it. He is the "Protector of The Cones"

I imagine at this point he sat back gazing upon his handi-work. 2 full sized cones and one shorter, slightly crooked cone, and gave a sigh of relief.
Fully sated and content, I suppose he smoked a well deserved cigarette and thought to himself, well done security man, well done!

High Skool

2009-10-18T07:28:00.000-07:00

I have a class reunion/get together in a few days. 26 years! (I know right? I still look hot! or not) Class of '83. Some of you probably weren't even born yet but here's what was hot:
Music: ACDC, Van Halen, Pink Floyd, Journey, The Cars...
Food: Taco Bell and Sonic (ok those are still hot)
Cars: Anthing that ran well enough to get you up and down the main drag till the wee hours of the morning. Ahh, the memories.

I thought about getting all buffed up for the big gathering, but realized that would require a shit-load of Bow Flex time and several hundred miles on my treadmill. I'm not that energetic. (which I'm now thinking may be the reason I'm not so fit) The best workout I ever got on that Bow Flex was putting it together. Second best was Brock and I carrying it up the stairs in the garage. The treadmill is up there too, didn't want them to be lonely so I keep them together. The last time I was up there they both stared at me, trying to make me feel guilty. It didn't work.

I don't think my old classmates will mind if I have let myself go a little. Hey by the time you get into your mid 40's you have undoubtedly had some stress. I will be leaving my shirt on though, no need for them to know about the yak inspired back hair thing I got goin on.

My lovely wife is forever telling me I need to, "get in shape". I tell her ROUND is a shape. She thought I needed to color my hair once too, till I reminded her that "grey IS a color". She certainly has a lot to put up with. I should maybe buy her a card. Somebody needs to remind me to head to Hallmark and pick out something that says:
I know i'm sometimes a jackass but lots of people think the stupid shit I say is funny and you are so cool to put up with it and I probably am not going to change cause i'm a guy and we don't like change so enjoy this card and when do we eat?

She has put up with my non-sense for over 18 years. Wow thats better than my parents and my teachers. Well, I'm pretty sure my parents still think I'm cool. My teachers, on the other hand, probably start each day thanking their lucky stars that I graduated and didn't send my kid to their school.

High school, what would I do differently if given another chance? Nothing. I had a blast with some of the coolest people in the world and lived to tell the tale. Why would I want to change that?

Thanks Jim!

2009-10-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

Today I will be showing my age.
I really like animals. So today I want to dedicate a post to Jim Fowler of the TV show "Wild Kingdom".

As a kid, I often thought, who has a cooler job than this guy? Travelling around the world seeing new places, and working with all those wonderful animals. Jim's job wasn't all peaches and cream though. His other half, Ol' Marlin Perkins was always making Jim do all the dirty work.

Marlin: "While Jim wrestles the angry water buffalo, I will stay in the safety of the hut. Just look at Jim go! See his bulging muscles, and notice the curvature of his taut, athletic buns!"

OK I made up the buns thing, the rest however is fairly accurate if my memory serves. I wonder if Jim ever got wealthy handling all those animals? He should have. I remember seeing him several times on late night talk shows with various snakes and critters. The host of the show usually got creeped out at some point and asked him to put the offending animals away. But not before the audience had a good laugh.

So Jim, this blogs for you! You have given us a lot of warm fuzzy moments and also some really good laughs. You spent a good part of your life teaching us that animals are to be respected, not feared. For these things we say THANKS!

Dear Mr. President...

2009-10-16T12:49:00.001-07:00

Ok readers no comedy today just a rant.

Dear Mr. President of Taco Bell. I am from a smallish city in southeast Kansas and I pretty much grew up on your delicious and affordable grub. T-Bell has been a food group of mine as long as I can remember. I like that you can go in there after a night of drunken debauchery and spend $7 to kill a $40 buzz. As a youngster I liked that your location allowed for my friends and I to turn around while "cruising" downtown. As an adult with a stupid job that keeps me out till the odd hours, I like it that your place is almost always open. Now on to the point of this letter.
Earlier this year tragedy struck our town. You saw fit to close our Taco Bell and rebuild it. You probably thought you could make it better and stronger like the Six Million Dollar Man.

The trouble began with the closing of our store. The closest Taco Bell to us is around 20 miles away and when your drunk and hungry, or late for work...you know. But we pulled together as a community and got through it. There was much texting and tweeting and speculation about when our store was going to reopen. There were too many facebook threads to count about what we were going to order and how much we were going to enjoy it.

Well the big day finally came, the store was opened. Much to my dismay I was out of town and so I missed the gloriously long drive-thru lines and the elbow to elbow dining room rush.
Upon my return to town I did get an opportunity to visit my old dear friend the Bell. Disappointment is putting it mildly.

Lets start with the parking lot. I pulled in and waited behind some drive-thru traffic to get into a parking spot. Then I waded back thru that traffic to head inside. Wow did you guys ever screw that up!
The lobby and front counter area looks really cool and updated, but it EB-SO-LUTELY will not flow.
You stand in a loosly formed line to get to point "A" and order your food. Then you have to go thru a bunch of people to get to the beverage station at point "C". With drinks in hand you navigate the mosh pit back to point "B" to collect your food, then scramble exactly backwards with drinks and food in hand to point "D" for sauces and napkins. After you have completed these difficult manuevers, you can assume the role of an offensive lineman and bash through the melee towards the same door you came in only minutes before. At last back in the parking lot food and drinks in hand, you dodge the drunken masses still waiting in the drive-through line and make it (hopefully) safely back to your car. As soon as the Xanax starts to work it's glorious magic, you can begin the task of backing out of the parking spot, narrowly avoiding the drive-thru line, and out of the parking lot.

Mr. President of Taco Bell I recommend 3 things.
First: Read this blog post.
Second: Call your design team and ask them to come to your office for a visit. (They will surely think you are giving them a sweet raise or pat on the back.)
Third and most important: FIRE THEM ALL and send their paychecks to me for alerting you to their incompetence.
Sir, I am confident you will feel better after doing these things.
I will continue to enjoy your products as long as the drive thru line isn't too long. I will not be going back inside your store until the old reliable design is reinstated. If I feel the line at your drive thru is too long I will be headed for Hardees or Sonic. I like their food too so it makes me no nevermind.
Thank You and Have a lovely day.
Sincerely,
Mark Price

TMI Thursday. Oh My

2009-10-15T05:53:00.000-07:00

When I was 18 years old it was legal for me to drink beer in my state. By state I mean geographically not my mental state. I was very glad of this because I really like beer. One night some friends and I were doing our usual mon./tue./wed./thur./fri./sat./ thing at a local bar. Just hanging out having a few beers (few is a relative term) and contemplating the irreparable damage that we were doing to our livers and brain cells.
Being from the midwest I was no stranger to having a big nasty wad of chewing tobacco in my mouth pretty much all the time.(Really? Who said EEEeewwww? So, it's safe to assume that you have never had anything questionable inside your mouth? thats what I thought.) For this reason a lot of us young men carried 2 beer bottles. One was for drinking from and the other was for spitting into. So after we had solved pretty much all the worlds problems I reached for my drinking beer and had a refreshing swig of ...tobacco juice! Lemme tell you, thats one mistake you don't want to make twice. I quickly decided that things could only get worse if I alerted my friends to my mistake as they would have undoubtedly given me some hideous nickname that I would still be trying to shake 25 yrs later. I calmly set the bottle down and acted as if nothing had happened. A couple of seconds later the guy to my right picked up his spitting bottle and made a nice deposit into it. Thats when I realized it was the same bottle I had just set down. TMI? Sorry, and have a nice Thursday!

Bad Boys, Bad Boys...

2009-10-14T10:44:00.000-07:00

I realize it might totally ruin the shows, but what if the bad guys on reality cop shows just gave up? Let's face it, they aren't getting away. Sure they run and they hide but in the end the police always prevail. They always find the ones hiding in the attic, in the bushes, and on the roof of the house. They also always find the guns and the dope. I wonder if its time for a new kind of show. One where the bad guys are a little less energetic and have seen other cop shows.... Here's the trailer for this years newest police drama...

Car gets pulled over, driver hops out and violently throws himself to the ground. Pretty good so far. He then begins yelling out to police still climbing out of their cars, "This car is stolen and the trunk is full of cocaine! I shot 3 people last week with the stolen pistol in the glove compartment and I have multiple outstanding arrest warrants. The name on my drivers license is fake and you can find 9 overdue library books hidden in my basement meth lab, under a box of grenades! Shoot me now!"

But they won't shoot him. They never do. These officers on tv will run 7 blocks, crash through bushes, climb fences and dodge traffic, all while wearing slippery shoes and like 80 pounds of vest and gear.

I would most likely just shoot. I'm not a runner.

I think that if the bad guys really wanted to escape they would jump into a lake or river and swim away at a leisurely pace. There's no rush cause I promise those officers aren't gettin in the water wearing all that heavy equipment. They would sink like a rock.

I wonder if I could make a living teaching criminals to swim? Hmm. Or maybe selling life jackets to policemen. Thats all for now!

Sweet Ride!

2009-10-13T14:44:00.000-07:00

My first car was a 1963 Ford pickup. Ol' blue, Hoop-de-ville, The Blessed Mother of Acceleration! It was a pukey bluish color, had an AM radio that didn't work, and retreads for tires. It was 6 cylinders of pure fury with a tricky 3 speed column shift assuring mind bending acceleration and asphalt buckling torque. I really loved that truck. I would go anywhere and do anything in it.

I remember one time my brakes had completely failed but in my 16 yr. old brain I thought it would still be ok to drive this death trap to school. I know, stupid right? (16 yr old thinking has been known to be a little skewed.) I figured if I left a little early to beat the traffic and stayed a little late I should be fine, and I would have a good story to share with my friends. My plan worked brilliantly in the morning. I was among the first people at school, you remember them, the smart people who came early to study or do some extra credit stuff. You know, the nerdy ones who are cleaning our teeth, giving our kids shots, and raping us in our divorces now. Yeah those kids!
I clearly should have studied the after school traffic patterns more thoroughly before concocting my plan for greatness in a time of no brakes. People apparently were in no hurry to leave school. There were cars freakin everywhere, in the morning people just pretty much showed up in a clump. They leave one by one in their own sweet time. SHEESH PEOPLE I DON"T HAVE ALL DAY!
I decided to chance it and smacked a car. Well really just bumped it. In a way it was funny cause the girl in it was lookin at me like..."are you gonna stop?" And I was lookin at her thinking "Dude, you really should move cause I got eb-so-lutely no brakes". Her folks were really cool about the "accident". Ok so I forgot to mention that I had previous knowlege of the no-brakes thing.
Another time a friend and I decided it would be super cool to drive my truck with our feet on the dash. We cranked up the idle so she would run without pushin the gas and off we went. About 100 yards later we hit a speed bump to fast on our way out of the school parking lot and kicked out my windshield. All of a sudden the joke was on us. Since the glass didn't break we stuck it in the back of the truck and continued on our merry way. For the record I do not recommend driving without your windshield. It totally shields you from the wind. (and bugs) Who'd a thunk it? We eventually made it to his house, found some bathroom caulk and did a fine job re-fitting the windshield.
I had some really good times in that old truck. If any of you have a first car story I would soooo like to hear it. Thanks for stopping by!

Floats Like A Butterfly...

2009-10-13T02:54:00.000-07:00

Today I'm thinking about luck. Who's lucky? Who's unlucky? What does it even mean to be "lucky"? I don't think it is a set in stone thing like, this happened so...pow... you're lucky. No I think maybe there are lucky events in ones life.

Take my buddy Ken for example. Ken likes to gamble at the casinos and he wins loot a good part of the time...thats lucky. I know though, that last summer his truck was broke down for a time. Kind of unlucky. Me, I always lose dough at the casino, but I have a really pretty wife to offset my pain. So I'm lucky that way. I'm not sure what the odds are for any given event, I mean, what kind of a number describes "random"? I don't know.

I do know that yesterday at Quik Trip, Ken won $100 on a $5 scratch ticket. Meanwhile, I was outside pumping gas and getting stung by a bee. So I called my pretty wife to tell her about it (whine like a little girl) and she was very supportive and encouraging. She told me I was probably stung due to the fact that I am sweet, like a beautiful flower. RIGHT, THANKS WIFE!

So there I sat pondering my sweetness when something new occured to me prompting my second call to the wife. "Honey", says I, "what if I am allergic to bees?" "No way" she told me, "you wouldn't be able to call me cause you would be all gasping for air and swelling up by now." GREAT I thought. So began my wait for an agonizing, choking, swelled up death.

5 minutes later I noticed I was still breathing so I decided to call my friend Brock. "Hey, what should I do? I got stung by a bee." His reply?..."Get someone to suck out the poison."

I just hung up. I am not going to waste my last few minutes on earth talking to some guy who can't tell rattlesnakes from honeybees!

So there I sat waiting, and wondering...AM I LUCKY?
Turns out I guess I am lucky. I didn't keel over from my bee sting, however it would have been a lot easier and less painful to find that out by winning $100.

What Grinds My Gears vol.2 (bonus blog)

2009-10-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

Hey something new for the "what grinds my gears" series.
It really grinds my gears when a hospital employee walks 22 feet past the escalator to get on the elevator to ride up to the first floor. Seriously? You're going to screw everyone else on this elevator because you don't want to take the escalator? What, are you afraid the escalator may break down and leave your dumb ass stranded for a few hours? WHY? WHY? WHY?!
The elevator is the only means of travel from the ground floor to floors 2 thru 6. The escalator only goes to the first floor. The elevator doors open on floor 1 next to...wait for it...the top of the friggin escalator!! I know right?! Meanwhile I along with several other people stand for an extra 20-30 seconds on the elevator cause Mr. Jackass didn't want to ride the escalator. Whats an extra 20-30 seconds you may ask. Well nothing unless you're,
A: holding a blazing hot cup of coffee, or
B: trying to hold in a fart, or
C: trying not to pee in your pants, or
D: ALL OF THE ABOVE
I guess my point is, why create an unnecessary delay for the rest of the world?
Back to you Tom.

I Luv My Job vol.2

2009-10-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

Blogbuds, you may all relax. I seem to be over my recent bout of poop-blog-itis. (for now)
Ok, as mentioned before I work for a railroad. As such, part of my job requires me to sometimes ride in a "railroad road cab". Basically this is a sit down, strap in, and hang the f*** on, process. "Road cabs" are vehicles that travel from terminal to terminal and all points in between, hauling us low-life train crews around. The drivers of these cabs are mostly coffee and No-Doze addicts who look like they haven't seen a bed since 1987. I have to say it is terrifying to look over at the speedo on a foggy night and see the needle bent towards the 85 mph line while your driver happily snoozes away in his luxury suite at the Sleepytown Motel. It's a real hoot! There's something special about grabbing the wheel to avoid hiway guard rails and oncoming traffic. Even more special is when the driver doesn't wake up as you wrench the wheel from his grasp. Oh yeah, let the good times roll! I caught myself wondering the other night, how in the world is that driver going to make it 130 miles back home with no one to help him steer? Then it occurred to me that he would probably be fine, after all he just had a nap on the way here!
I had a driver thank me once for "saving his life". "Don't be a moron", I said. "I was saving my life. Now please clean the ice off this windshield and SLOW DOWN!!"
I love this job!

Good Friends?

2009-10-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

I have an old victorian home. I affectionately (or not) refer to it as the "money pit". Yeah, like the movie. Thats a whole other blog though. I have been slaving away at a remodel of said house for like...... 2 1/2 years now. One of the first improvements we made was to put a bathroom downstairs. Great, now I don't have to do the pee-pee dance up the stairs cause I "procrastinated". (hi kathryn!) Nope, now I can wait till I just about start to dribble, then run for it! Anyway, the toilet that I installed in the downstairs bathroom is, well, kind of smallish. Apparently this tiny toilet is a source of entertainment for my friends. See I have a couple of friends who are, for lack of a better phrase...poop freaks! They are way too interested in the things that come out of their hineys. So interested in fact that they feel it is appropriate to take pictures of their doo-doo and message the pics to all their buddies. Here's the deal, my tiny toilet makes their ka-ka look enormous. I'm not a hunter but I liken this big-dung thing to a trophy deer. Trophy poo, and a picture to prove it. Its gotten so bad that I have to be on the lookout for these guy's. At first I thought it may be just crazy luck that these guys were having urges at the same time they showed up at the house. Then it occurred to me, one guy drove 9 miles to get here, and the other guy drove 24 miles to get here. This is no accident, it's a planned event. First degree poop-icide, and these cats are GUILTY!
People, don't let this happen to you. Replace any small or midsized toilets in your home with big, bold, industrial sized thrones. Also, demand that guests check their cell phones at the door. Really nobody wants to talk to you while you are doing your business anyway. I know this cause people have asked me not to call them while I'm on the pot. (the accoustics in a bathroom are weird, this accounts for all of us thinking we can sing really well while showering) My blackberry has a really sensitive speakerphone mic, so when I'm in there...they know! Anyway have a wonderful day, and take a little time to think about who your friends are and why they are special to you. Thanks for stopping by!!

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

2009-10-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

I apologize in advance for this post. I know most of my followers are ladies so they won't have a good understanding of this stuff. If you are easily offended you,
A; probably should throw out your computer. and,
B; shouldn't have checked the "i understand and wish to continue" box.
Maybe they will know of some guy's that they could point towards my blog. My buddy was talking to me about a cartoon we watch and the main character did a piece on the news called "you know what really grinds my gears", and a blog post was born.

I hate it when I sit on my nuts. It is incredibly painful and its one of those things you never see coming. If you trip on something and you see you are about to fall, you kind of mentally prepare for the impact. Your body sort of tenses up and you go all smushy faced like you're really constipated and trying to poop. I bet if you stop frame photographed people right before they smashed into the ground you would swear they were pooping. Anyway the "nutsmash" is different. You don't see it coming. You open your car door, climb inside, and sit down...sheeeeit!! Guys know what I'm talking about. There you are thinking that your day is going along fairly well and WHAM! good day gone bad. Hopefully you are alone in the car when this happens, because it hurts so bad you find out you can't even cuss right. If you're with someone you want it to be another guy cause he will understand and sympathize. He will probably say "Ssssssss, Oooooo dude I hate that". On the other hand if it is your wife, she absolutely will not sympathize and will probably giggle a little. Thats what my wife does.
Another thing that us guys hate is when our nutsack sticks to our thigh. It comes from wearing boxers in the summertime, or going commando. I know. Heres a little clue ladies, when you see us doing a kind of little funky looking dance, there's a chance we are trying to shake something loose from our thigh. Be happy we arent sticking our hand into our pants and physically making an adjustment. Past experience tells me that little innocent move can get you banned from Wal-Mart. (for the record, I was a little preoccupied and didn't notice I was in the ladies undergarment section)

I know, not my normal blog content but LiLu said it's TMI Thursday so I figured it would be ok just this once. Sorry if I have offended anyone. I should be back to my old self in a couple hours.
Back to you Tom.

Well Written?

2009-10-07T11:27:00.000-07:00

WOW, Did I just do that? Here's the thing, I just read someones blog post and commented. The crazy part is, I used the words...wait for it...."well written". I know right? Immediately after publishing the comment my inner/other me asked "Who the F*** do you think you are?" I had no answer for myself. I don't know where I get off thinking I know what is or isn't well written. I did enjoy the posts literary components, I thought the writer presented her ideas really well and it didn't leave me wondering what she was talking about. Does that qualify as well written? How do I know? I'm just some guy who writes a blog to keep from driving his wife and friends crazy with his random blathering on about who-knows-what. If in fact it is a well written piece, good for the writer!
I guess my point is that if I slip again and use the phrase "well written" in any of my comments about your posts, please take it as a compliment. Thats how it was intended.
I just get a little tired of saying "Oh that was good" it sounds so freaking generic. I don't think it always conveys my thoughts on the piece. And I feel weird if I hog up like a half a page leaving a way-too-in-depth comment. Maybe that is something I will work on in my writing. Maybe I will stop blogging altogether and just comment. Maybe I could start a new blog that is just full of comments, and my readers could try to guess whose blog post I was commenting on. Nah, too confusing. I will just keep blathering on and see what comes out. Now I shall hold my chin inquisitively, and wonder what I have done with my monacle, and my turn of the century looking Sherlock Holmes pipe.

Research

2009-10-06T18:27:00.002-07:00

Daytime TV. Who's watching this stuff? I wanted to try to be more like a real writer so I asked my friend Mary what real writers do to prepare. She said I should research my subject, then write something. So, thats what I did! OK actually I vegged out on the couch for a whole day watching tv.
First up was Maury. Are all his shows titled "Are you my baby's daddy?" Really! So theres a chick on there who had been on the show a number of times before and once again Maury tells some random guy, "You are Not the father!!" and the guy hops happily around the stage for awhile and the girl runs off to the "backstage hysterical-crying room". By now the producers have spent thousands of dollars on plane tickets, and DNA tests flying half of the guy's who live in this girls hometown to his show only to find out none of them is the father. She must feel like such a whore, no wonder she is crying. If she had as many dicks sticking out of her as she's had stuck in her she would look like a porcupine!(a crazy sex toy version of a porcupine)
So I moved on to another channel to watch the white knuckled suspense of daytime court shows. Is anyone not a tv judge? We have a bunch to choose from but they all do pretty much the same show. The networks should spice it up a little. Judge Timmy The Transvestite would be funny, or maybe conjoined twin judges who always rule differently and beat the shit out of each other with their gavels! That would be entertaining.
So I moved on and hit the mother of all daytime tv shows. Jerry Springer! I know right? The guy is awesome and never lets America forget that even gap-toothed, cracked out, less-than-sexy people need love too! Granted a bunch of them find it at family reunions. Who cares though as long as it makes good tv. Scripted? I certainly hope so. His show also proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are a number of women out there who will show their boobs on tv for 34 cents worth of beads. I love this country!
I don't think we can blame the hosts though, or even the guests. Nope we need to blame the advertisers. If no big corporations advertised on these shows the shows would disappear. So, way to go brand X dishwashing liquid and brand Y super strength trash bags, you are giving the 6,000,000 unemployed people in this country something to do at home all day. Maybe someday, when they're working again they will return the favor and buy your products. (I wonder what it would cost me to advertise my blog on tv?)

Light It Up

2009-10-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

I have been turning lights off and on all week. I know that sounds weird but I am looking for a light that makes noise. Isn't it strange that all the sci-fi movies of yester-year have lights that make noise? Really, every time the alien spacecraft is floating around, the lights on it make a throbbing, light-noise. Even when the humans go onboard the spacecraft the inside lights make the same creepy noise. Light sabers...yep they make noise too. Um, Mr. Spielberg, yes...uh, the sabers are made of light. Are we absolutely certain we want them to make a noise? Oh, ok you're the boss!
My guess is he did it because thats what all the other sci-fi movies did. Think about it, he is a little kid at the movies thinking, Wow light that makes noise is sooooo cool! Nearly all the episodes of the twilight zone had noise-making light. And Star Trek? Sheesh, even the sparkle in Captain Kirk's eyes made a noise. Lasers, tasers, and phasers, all that crap had noisy light beams.

Not one light have I found that makes a noise. White light is quiet, blue light is quiet, and green light is quiet. Heck I even went downtown to see if red light made any noise. I heard some noises there allright, but I don't think any of the noises were coming directly from the light. Where is this mystery loud light from the movies of my youth? I may never know.

Sweet Deal?

2009-10-02T18:06:00.000-07:00

I got an E-Mail today. It was an offer for a $25 gift certificate from Restaraunt.com. Hey it has to be a bargain at only $8 right? Lemme get this straight cause I'm a little slow at math. I send Restaraunt.com $8 and they send me a gift certificate for $25.
I think its safe to assume that Restaraunt.com is paying in the neighborhood of, oh lets be generous, $4 for these gift certificates. So for doing nothing more than irritating me with crap e-mails they make $4 profit. Bravo guys, thats good business. I suppose the restaraunts issuing the gift certificates are pocketing the remaining $4, and without even having to bring me a glass of water. Even better business. Gold star for the marketing department.
Dinner out at a decent restaraunt with my wife and son runs me approx. $55 with a tip. Now when I show up with my $25 gift certificate that knocks the cost down to $30 so I will probably order dessert. $18 for dessert brings my bill up to $48, add to that the cost of the gift certificate ($8) and I have spent $56. Hey a net loss of only $1!! Thats awesome, till I figure in the $5 gas to get to the restaraunt and back home.

Now I have to worry that I may set myself on fire when I get home because at some point I'm going to realize that I spent $8 that ended up costing me $61. I'm no genius, but I have to be smarter than that, right?

Who is buying this stuff? Please... STOP IT! I am reminded of a Shakespeare play, I think it was Romeo and Juliet. "Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet?" (or something like that).
I'm here to tell you this deal smells like a TURD.

Hey I have an idea, Restaraunt.com why don't you send me a $17 gift certificate...for free!

Bite Your Tongue

2009-09-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

I bit my tongue the other day. Not in the sense that I kept to myself what was on my mind, that never happens. (ask anyone who knows me) No, I literally bit my tongue. I was chewing gum and well, you know. It hurts, a lot. It got me thinking about some of the stuff we say to each other...

"Bite your tongue". What makes us think it's ok to ask others to physically harm themselves? Why not tell someone to "smack yourself in the nuts"? Is that so different? They both hurt.
Reminds me of the time I went to Hollywood to star in a big motion picture. My so-called friend pats me on the back and tells me to "break a leg". What a prick! So I said to him, "Fuck you, wreck your car on the freeway".

Here's one, "knock em' dead". Seriously? You want me to commit multiple, hammer based homicides? Who is making these up? Whats wrong with plain old vanilla, "good luck"? Sounds pretty good to me.
Oh, I made up the part about going to Hollywood. The tongue biting was real!

I Luv My Job!

2009-09-30T03:46:00.000-07:00

A little history. I am a railroad conductor. A job is a job I guess and until my writing career takes off, this is what I do. Normally I have very few complaints. Ok, that's a lie. Don't get the wrong idea, I feel very fortunate to even have a job in this crazy economy. Lots of folks are out there looking for jobs, some even in my line of work. It's true, there are people lining up and paying serious money to go to railroad school. I get it that people need jobs, but to pay out cash to possibly get one? Really?
I have had tons of people ask me if they could get a job where I work. Sure, I tell them,but first let me give you a little heads up about what I do. The good stuff as well as the bad.

Bad news... There are no weekends, no holidays, no schedules, and no time clocks. Thats right. No Fridays at 5 pm, no Fourth of July, no Thanksgiving, no Christmas, and no New Years eve. The good news is there are also no Mondays and none of the problems associated with heading back to work after a long relaxing holiday break.
We do get vacations, thats good news. However the vacations are chosen according to seniority. For the first few years of your employment you will most likely be taking your vacation in January or February. If you enjoy cold, crappy weather this is good news. If, however you are one of the crazies who enjoys the springtime, summer, or fall weather...too bad.
Most people, with normal jobs, tell me they have an irritating boss constantly looking over their shoulder. Good news, our bosses never look over our shoulders. They hide in the weeds, setting traps and trying to fire us for not following the new rule they just made up yesterday.

So what is the job like? In a word...boring. If someone wants to experience it without coughing up the $6000 for 6 weeks of school, I tell them to get up at 2am and go sit in their bathroom for about 10 hours. No tv, no newspaper, no phone, and no sleeping. Then leave the bathroom and check into a hotel to sleep for awhile. You will remain in the hotel for an indeterminate amount of time. (I spend more time on my back in hotels than a $20 hooker!) Could be anywhere from 10 hours (the minimum), to my all time longest stay of 53 hours. Note, the last 18 hours of my 53 hour stay were on Christmas eve, sorry kids! Oh, you like staying in hotels? Cool, call me when you spend 200+ nights a year in one.
At some point, let's say 7;30 the next morning you can return to your bathroom for another 10 hour stay. Could this be any more fun?

The pay? Oh it's pretty good. It has to be. I spend in the neighborhood of $400 a month eating fast food and Quik Trip hot dogs. And then there's my cell bill, clothes for winter and summer, vitamins (thanks to the gourmet meals), health insurance, union dues, and retirement. And don't forget about the upkeep on a house I own, but never live in, and cars I don't drive much. One for me, one for my wife, and one for our son. See, we all need separate vehicles because we are never together.

It's fairly easy work. In fact it's the easiest job I ever had. Really. Most of the time I just sit and look out the window. When I'm not sitting I hop down and take off hiking a 6000+ foot train on uneven, loose, ankle-twisting gravel strewn with sticks, mud, glass, old spikes and pieces of steel rail. There are living obstacles as well. Snakes, possums, and rats. Hobos sneaking up on me to bum a smoke at 3 am. and pissed off motorists who want to know why my train is,
A: blocking their preferred route to work, or,
B: blocking their preferred route home from the bar. (depending on the time of day.)

Riding in a locomotive is something many little boys dream of doing. I guess I am living the dream. Bad news, locomotives have steel wheels that roll on steel rail so it is neither smooth nor quiet. And they aren't always so fresh smelling either.
A lot of people don't know that we have toilet facilities on our engines. Good news, most every railroad yard has a dump station and a crew to clean and maintain those toilets. Bad news, the crews usually don't have time for that so called non-essential portion of their job. What we get after a couple of weeks of sitting in the hot sun is something I call eau-du-funk! No big deal though, remember it's only for 10 hours or so. Hey if it gets too bad you can file a grievance with your union rep. He will help you fill out a penalty time slip, ensuring that you are compensated for your unwarranted misery. Then all you have to do is sit and wait, for a monkey to fly out of your ass eating a cheese sandwich. (He hands out the penalty checks.)

If you still think the job is for you, come on out and I will teach you everything I know. Maybe we will even have some fun doing it. If not, you should stay in school, study hard and hope the recession ends soon. Either way, remember, the next time you are blocked by a train try not to be angry with me. I would really much rather be rolling down the rails bored to death, contemplating my next blogger post.
Uh-oh there's the phone. Time for another run!

Ok, I Get It!

2009-09-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

So sorry about my last post. ["So What, I Have Other Ideas"] Apparently it sucked. If you recall from my first ever blogger post, I said I wasn't a writer. Here's the problem, Now that I have had a crappy review, my bruised ego will undoubtedly need some stroking. This will be a tough time for me, and for any of you who are still reading. I will probably try to be extra funny and entertaining for awhile, like the guy at your dinner party who wasn't on the guest list till he overheard you ordering a six foot sub. I know, and I apologize in advance for the next three or four posts.
Come on now, it isnt like you never read a bad post before, just hang in there for awhile. They will get better I promise. And if any of you write a bad post I will continue to read them. I do it because I care.

So What, I Have Other Ideas!

2009-09-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

I was reading some blogs today. There are some funny-ass writers out there. I would like to think that I could hang with this crowd. I think maybe I could in real life, but writing? No way. I'm outclassed by a mile. Ok, you all hear that? You're funnier than me!

That being said I am considering changing my genre. GENRE, smartypants, not GENDER!

Maybe I will write an ongoing mystery blog, (idea stealers take note) a kind of whodunnit. I could use other bloggers as my characters, their locations and little blog specific tidbits of information would almost certainly guarantee readership. Who wouldn't want to know if they were cast as a villian or a hero? Pretty solid idea I think. If any of you like it, lemme know.

Or perhaps I could try my hand at serious writing, I mean as serious as you can get in a couple of paragraphs. (like I'm really going to start using proper punctuation!)

There is always poetry. But I never found a word that rhymed with orange so eventually I would screw it up with some Dr. Seuss like words.

I could cast myself as a cyber action hero zooming around in the vastness of the world wide web doing good deeds and saving cyber-chicks from almost certain deletion after being mercilessly thrown into the deadly recycle bin by horny teenagers whose Mom just walked in to see how their homework was going. I'm really sorry for that last sentence. I realized it was too long but I wanted to get the entire thought in it.

How about a photo blog? Is that even an acceptable blogging medium? How many pictures of my cat do you think you could stand? I am new so I don't fully understand the rules yet.

(Oh, I have to tell you all that based on an episode of Mad Men that is on tv right now, I do not recommend running a riding lawnmower inside a crowded office. Wow.)
Sorry, short attention span.

Is That Your Dog?

2009-09-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

I was riding in a cab today, past a familiar corner and noticed that the panhandler who was normally there had been replaced by a new younger panhandler. Thats odd, I thought, and for a moment I actually wondered what may have happened to the old guy with the sweet dreads who usually stood there. Then it occured to me that it was Saturday. "Well, it must be the regular guy's day off" I said. I used to feel bad about driving by "homeless" people on the road. After talking to a few of these people and some people who were previously homeless I don't feel so bad about it anymore. Take for instance the regular guy on the corner of Front St. near the casino. He has 2 vans that he drives to (work?) on different days he chooses which van to drive. On the other end of the same street there are several panhandlers that work as a group. Kind of a beggars union I think. They have shifts to work. I was curious about the amount of loot these people were pulling in each day. I don't know if it's true or not but I was told the Front Street @ I-435 crew was raking in $200-$300 per day!! Thats some pretty serious loot. Granted they have expenses, They have a wheelchair to maintain, and beer and cigarettes to buy, and from time to time they have to reprint their "Hungry anything helps God Bless" sign. All of which they share. One day we stopped and visited with one of the men there, as a friend of mine who is a habitual do-gooder had tried to hook him up with a job, and the man said he had quit the job after 1/2 a day because the business owner had only wanted to pay him $50 a day. Hmm lemme see regular hours, inside work, and very little chance of someone running over your drunken ass in traffic. Sounded pretty good to me. But there were other things to consider, like not being able to show up for work trashed on beer or crack, and not being able to bring my dog to work with me. What is it with homeless people and dogs? I don't want to give readers the wrong impression, I am sympathetic to the plight of real homeless people. The people I am referring to in this post are homeless by choice. They choose to hang out on street corners and beg because it is easier than getting a real job and following the rules that govern a civilized society. It is almost like a career choice and if it works for them, who am I to judge. If you are in doubt of a panhandlers needs, try offering him/her a cheese burger, I have found it usually just pisses them off. Their dog however will almost always smile a little. I wonder if he even knows he's homeless?

Unreal

2009-09-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

Reality tv. I'm positive there have been thousands of blogs about so called reality tv shows so I must be in good company. There is not much real about reality tv. Maybe I am missing the big picture. Lately I was fortunate enough to watch a show that followed a young woman as she picked a husband from several candidates. What a hoot! Lets put you up in a beautiful home, get a dozen or so guy's with good enough jobs that they can be away from those jobs for a couple months without getting fired, and send you on several sweet, once in a lifetime romantic vacations all over the world. Don't worry we will pick up the tab! Come on now, this show is killing men at home. Some of us who live in the real world with jobs and kids and bills to pay are getting bashed for not being romantic enough. Would I like to run off to Spain with my wife for a date? Sure I would, my company wouldn't like it one bit and neither would the mortgage company holding the note on my house. "OH yes, we had a lovely time in Spain but now we are unemployed and homeless. Here's a t-shirt, can we move in for awhile?" Another one of my favorites involves a loud mouth chef who verbally abuses the contestants on his show. I just once would like to see someone punch that chef right in the mouth, and then say "Hey Chef, you can taste my dish when the swelling goes down around your lips" Thats reality. Oh there is another show on that followed a man looking for a wife from several candidates. "What? Already done that? No problem we will change it up a bit, lets make all the candidates 300 pounders with unimaginably low self esteem! Oh and every chance we get, show them in bathing suits or eating!" Some reality shows are just too stupid to warrant my watching them. How about the one that puts several people inside a makebelieve house inside a studio and watches them. How is that tv worthy? I bet a bunch of us grew up in homes with several people who had different personalities, argued , formed alliances for particular events, bullied one another and talked behind each others backs. Wheres my 500 grand? What could they possibly come up with next? I haven't seen a show with a live feed from the inside of someones ass during a colonoscopy. Cable networks are you listening?

Egg Salad

2009-09-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

AGGHHH, What I wouldnt give to have an assistant or a sidekick to help me through rough patches in my world. I have an unusually short attention span that makes doing anything computer or technology related really tough. Today I went to facebook, now I can't remember why, and there was a note on my screen advising me to upgrade my internet explorer. Small headache begins. So off I go to download the latest and greatest IE stuff thinking it will take maybe 30 seconds or so to finish. Oh heck no, I sat here in front of this box for a few minutes and decided I was hungry. Went to make tea and checked back. Still updating! Headache getting worse. Went out again to see what I could find to eat...hmm 4 eggs, egg salad sammich! Put eggs on to boil and checked back on download process. Hooray it's done! Wait a minute, must restart computer? Full blown headache! Was re starting enough? oh no, now they want me to answer questions! They never offer "I Don't Care" when they give you the multiple choice stuff. I just want a circle to click that says, "I am satisfied with the way my computer worked yesterday, and prefer to have it that way again." You see, I don't feel like I have time to fiddle around on the computer. My facebook friends have games and polls and farmtown and mafia wars, and on and on. Where do they find the time for all that stuff? Maybe I watch too much tv? It could be that there is a battle going on between tv and computers. Which one is better? Or, which one is worse? I think right now the computers have the upper hand. Television shows are really starting to get weak and thus are feeding the wave of new computer people. Meanwhile the computer stuff is getting harder to understand for old guys like me so we are getting screwed both ways. It's a conspiracy.
You think 45 minutes is long enough to hard boil 4 eggs? Oh crap, I hope I have mayo!

What is blogging?

2009-09-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

I was wondering to myself last night, What is blogging? Are bloggers writers? Well sort of I guess. So since I blog could I write a book? Probably not. Too many pages too many different characters and situations and there's no way I could focus long enough to finish a whole book. One of my favorite writers is Lee Child. He writes books about a character named Jack Reacher. Very cool guy, tough, always around when trouble needs a place to happen. Where do these characters come from and how do the situations and story lines evolve? It truly is a gift to be able to write a whole book. Nope, I just don't see it in my future but you never know. I will continue to blog because I like to write things down and share thoughts but I am borderline attention deficit disordered I think. I only go a little way with a thought then I let it go, or it morphs into some other thought sometimes totally unrelated. I'm ok with it though. Look at the free time I have. My friend wrote a book once, got it published, and is quite famous, well semi-famous, well I think she is cool. The time and effort that she put into her book blew me away. And she got it right too, her book is really good. I got a little sneak peek at it before publishing, which was kind of neat, I suppose that is what working for the newspaper feels like. You just want to tell people "Oh wait till you read this!" Kind of like the upper hand or an ace in the hole. I know something you don't know! If she is reading this post THANK YOU !! I bought a copy of the book even though I had already read it. I will be expecting her to do the same if I ever get published. Really I need the $7.99 Oh all right $1.99 on the clearance rack, behind the three month old tv guides. Why would they keep tv guides 3 months? Duh, for the crossword puzzles! Theres an idea for me, If I were to put some crossword puzzles and word searches and sudoku's in my book, I would appeal to a wider fan base. Maybe even some pictures for little kids to color in, I could do a deal with a crayon company to include those little packages of crayons that you get at restaurants to color in the placemats. (Don't pretend you never did it!) And my book could be in several different shelves in the book store. I'm a freakin marketing genius, or not, it remains to be seen. I have noticed lately that I am shamelessly begging people to read and follow my blog, I'm not exactly sure why. It was originally just for me and maybe a handful of others and I didn't care if anyone read it or not. Is this normal? Do other bloggers want blog-groupies, or would blog fans be a better statement? Hmm, interesting.

Experts

2009-09-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

How many of us can call ourselves "experts"? What does it even mean to be an expert at something? If you look up expert in a dictionary it says "a person who has a special skill or knowlege in some particular field; specialist; authority." A special skill...lemme see, ooh I can clap with one hand. Once I saw a guy on late night tv stop a fan with his tongue. My cat sometimes gives me high fives. All these skills are special, but I don't think me or the nut job with his face in the fan or even my cat are what you might call experts. How about knowlege in some particular field... Okee dokee I know that yellow and blue make green, the fan guy knows that to stop the fan without getting your face shaved up like a deli ham you must go at it from the front, and my cat has the knowlege that if he bothers me long enough I will pet/feed/change litterbox. Now we have special skills and knowlege in some particular field and still I doubt we will ever be recognized as experts. Authority, ok given by whom exactly? Police officers are recognized as the authority in most civilized communities but are they experts? I doubt if they would catagorize themselves as experts. So where on earth do all the experts come from? And who the heck are "THE EXPERTS" Maybe there are only like 7 experts in the world and every time someone needs an expert opinion they call out the expert squad. I need their number. Everyone else has the number why don't I? Check the paper, "experts say....blah blah blah" Same thing on the news and the radio and talk shows etc...! Everywhere you look the experts are giving information to wealthy companies, and even governments....Hold it, I may be on to something here. If I had a product, or an idea that I wanted to sell to the general public I would need an expert to vouch for me. Thats it, the more loot I was willing to dole out, the more expert opinions I could buy. I think I will try my idea on a small scale just to see if I'm really on the right track here. If I wanted to sell beer I might ask myself who's a beer expert? I know, the 3 guys living in their car down by the tracks. They should be expert enough. they drink all the time and when they aren't drinking they are walking around picking up...wait for it....BEER CANS! Wow these 3 must be the ultimate authority on beer. So lets just say I needed their expert opinion on my beer, I would give them some to try, free of course, and come back later to ask them if they liked it. Next day I could make a commercial with other, different, more beautiful people saying that my beer was judged by THE EXPERTS to be one of the finest beers in the land. Im fairly certain it would work. My point here I think is, why let someone else tell you whats good, or fair, or economically sound? Lets be our own experts for awhile and see how they like that!

uh oh!

2009-09-23T08:38:00.002-07:00

I have been spending a ton of time at the hospital. Each morning we rush around to beat the KC traffic jam only to find there are almost no parking places left in the garage at KU. Now I suppose this garage is pretty much standard for parking garages nationwide. 5 floors high, concrete, kind of dark, etc... My question is, why do they make the parking spots soooo narrow? Ok money right? Right. But really there needs to be a standard width of a parking space. Recently the cost for validated parking went from $1 up to $2. Thats a 100% markup. Imagine if a gallon of milk went up to $7 tomorrow? Yeah that would suck. Wonder if I could put tap water on my Cap'n Crunch? Eww! I guess if we all drove Mini Coopers, or VW bugs it would be ok, but thats not the way it is. Here's the deal though, I would gladly pay $3 for parking if I had an extra foot of parking width. Really I would. Something funny happened this morning when I was parking. My wife was carrying on about "Hey can you park farther away from that explorer, I don't want my door scratched!" She was referring to the vehicle on my side of our car. I told her, "Oh, theres plenty of room." To this she replied, "I don't want some fat-ass trying to squeeze into her car and scratch my door all up!" Now keep in mind that my window was down as it was a cool fall morning, and I said to my wife..."she's sitting right there why don't you tell her yourself?"...Sure enough there in the explorer sat a woman, hopefully so into her own thoughts that she wasn't paying attention to what was going on in the little car next door! Guess we will find out when we get back to the garage huh. UH OH better get maaco.

Buzzzz

2009-09-21T09:23:00.001-07:00

Ok, today may not be a funny entry. Just thinking about something. I am hanging out in the hospital today.( A little background... My son is in the hospital with a very serious illness called HLH. He has been hospitalized pretty much constantly since the middle of May.) If you have ever spent time visiting someone in the hospital you probably already know that there is NOTHING TO DO AT A HOSPITAL. It is crazy boring here. I was just sitting here thinking about it a minute ago and it shouldn't be boring at all. It is 11:30 am. and we have already seen 3 doctors, a nurse practitioner, 2 nurses and the housekeeping staff. We have done a chest x-ray, a blood transfusion, breathing exercises, meds. changes, and consultations. This place is a freakin beehive of activity. It has patients, doctors, nurses, visitors, cleaning staff, transport staff, food sevice staff, and more! How could it possibly be so boring? So I tried to think like a bee..I am pretty good at having a buzz...(ok thats pretty weak.) It would be way entertaining to be in a beehive, provided you were a bee. If however you are a human you better just watch from the sidelines. You get in the way, you may get stung. there are protocols, and charts, and rounds to do... Very much like being in a beehive environment I think.

Healthcare

2009-09-20T06:10:00.000-07:00

I watch television pretty regularly and the same thing seems to be dominating the airwaves day after day, healthcare reform. I have watched and watched and it seems there can be no agreeing on a plan that works for everyone. Senators, congressmen and women, and Presidents. Doctors, patients, and pharmaceutical companies. I figured the only way I was ever going to get something new to watch was for me to solve the problem myself! Guess what? I did it. In all my awesomness, I have come up with a win/win plan for healthcare reform. You gotta start with the problem, money. The doctors and hospitals and drug companies all want a boatload of cash.
So, I have decided that insurance companies should only pay doctors and hospitals minimum wage. If a doctor feels that 10 yrs. and $250,00 for college is worth more than minimum wage, he should seek corporate sponsorship. Thats right, beer and soda companies, big tobacco, giant hardware and building supply companies, and even some drug manufacturers would probably be willing to dole out some green for nothing more than a colorful patch, sewn onto a lab coat. I am fairly sure my plan works and heres why, NASCAR. Yep, just watch a nascar race and look at all those corporate sponsors. These companies are putting out some real serious money hoping that their car will win the race and get some press coverage. Look at it this way, insurance rates for you and me go down due to not having to pay out so much loot. Doctors get to keep their crazy high salaries because any company that can pay for a race car has plenty of extra cash to throw around. Lastly the doctors will try so much harder to heal patients in the hopes of sweeter sponsorships, think of it as a lived/died ratio. Other winners in my plan include garment manufacturers, new lab coats with each satisfied customer, not to mention how much nicer the doctors will look with their new colorful outfits. Another benefit to my plan is, repeat business for the docs. Say they are sponsored by a cigarette manufacturer, their patients see the pretty patches on the lab coat and bam, now they smoke! Repeat business. A drug and alcohol abuse clinic could have beer signs all over the office. There's really no end to to the possibilities. I like the plan and maybe the nicest part of all is the cost to our government...ZERO DOLLARS! As with any new idea there will undoubtedly be some critics. Thats too bad and to those critics i say think about the last time you had the tv on, did you see any commercials advertising drugs? drugs for depression, insomnia, and even some "help I've aged and I cant get it up" drugs. That airtime isn't free. Give the loot to the docs and let them leave my insurance company alone! I think this plan just might work!

BIG TROUBLE

2009-09-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

Did you ever think about the stuff your parents told you growing up? Really, what would happen if Mom or Dad were to ever "have enough"? I remember getting several whacks growing up because the folks had "just about enough". So what would they do if they got to the point of, "ok now I have had enough!" A simple whack on the ass surely wouldn't suffice, no sir you have somthing special and terrible coming. It wouldn't be like it came without warning though, trust me my folks pretty much always were on the edge of just about enough. I heard it so many times I thought it was a mantra of some sort. Hey what if you were to do something really bad and you skipped a step in the enough chain? Say for instance you went directly from "just about enough" right to "ok thats too much". Ugh I shudder to think! And whats the deal with "BIG TROUBLE"? I noticed I was often in trouble but I don't recall ever being in big trouble. You can't just do something dumb and be in big trouble, big trouble has to be sort of pre-approved. ie: If you keep that up... you're gonna be in big trouble! Big trouble seems like it always carried some phantom punishment so terrible it couldn't be discussed in the light of day. Like the mere mention of it would bend time and space and leave mankind in a devastated state. BIG TROUBLE!! No thanks, I'm sticking with just about enough!

Shopping

2009-09-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

I had to go shopping yesterday. Yes I know, scary! I was home alone, and getting hungry so I figured I would go grocery shopping. Now, I don't mind going to the store to pick up a single item or two. I'm perfectly ok stopping in for a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread, no problem. The trouble starts when I realize I am buying food for a few days. The superstore I go to is a pretty intimidating place with all its people and colors and sounds... The fact is when it comes to shopping I am kind of a wuss. My wife usually does all the shopping, but she is out of town for awhile and so I am on my own. I noticed that there were few if any men there besides me who were alone and shopping, I figured out why. We need someone to shop with us! It is important to be able to ask for opinions while shopping. (Hey, you want cherry jello or orange? I hear lime is nice too!) I wonder if my wife gets all weirded out at the store like I do? Probably not, she is an experienced shopper. The answer may be for grocery stores to go the route of higher end department stores. The personal shopper! It would be great to be able to grab a helper on my next shopping venture. They could station them right there by the front door near the shopping carts. I guess you might even call them a shopping escort. Just someone to walk around with in the store so you never have to make awkward eye contact, or strained conversation with someone in the way of your tomato paste. You could say to your escort, "Hey, grab me some tomato paste please". It might even be a blessing to the grocer as the escorts could be trained to nudge the shoppers gently toward the products with the most profit margins. Honestly the service would pay for itself. Lets face it when some hottie says "Eww I never use generic charcoal, you should get the Kingsford!" youre gonna get the Kingsford! who cares its a little higher in price, your going to ask this chick over for a barbecue in like....never! She's way outta your league and your wife would kill you. So grocers of the world take note, offer your consumers what they really want, shopping escorts! And if youre wondering, I went with black cherry jello!

Secrets!

2009-09-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

I guess today would be as good a day as any to reveal a secret. We all keep some secrets probably because thats all we can really have that is ours and ours alone. Unless we decide to share them, our secrets are our own personal property, almost tangible sometimes. Some people get giddy as soon as they get a secret, like HAH, I have a secret and it's mine, mine, mine! These are the people you see in the world with that funny look on their face and that crazy body language that lets everyone who sees them know, hey that guy has a secret! So whats the first thing you do when you see someone with a secret? You try to figure out what their secret is! In a way you are trying to steal their secret! Therein lies the problem, if you do manage to steal someones secret, guess what?...thats right, its no longer a secret! So you end up with pretty much nothing of value. You plot and scheme and the prize falls short. Great, what a waste of time. Secrets can be shared however, yes you and a good friend can share a secret and both get that stupid look and body language but it has to be done properly. You have to do a lot of verbal contracting, pinkie swearing and dancing around the subject before a secret can be passed on. You surely remember the contract from grade school..."cross your heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye!" Yeah its serious business this secret sharing stuff, don't screw it up! So that being said, needle in the eye contract binding to all parties forthwith, blah blah blah... my secret is that im secretly enjoying this blogging stuff and I have a co-writer. He is known as 'His Majesty The Cat' He's cool, he proofreads all my blogs and has in the past been known to type some words on his own. He types in cat language though so humans probably can't understand what he is writing. Here is his addition to todays blog, if you have a cat, let him/her look at the screen, Oh I think they will like what he has to say...bcv
kol'/ Nmn GHBl;.,yjhum p;['/10023/.;.
....ok guess he is done, must be funny he is laughing his ass off, hope you are too!!

Caterpillars

2009-09-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

So today I took a drive and was surprised to see a bunch of caterpillars on and about the hiway. When I say a bunch I mean in the neighborhood of 100 or so. Thats a lot of bugs. They werent remarkable in their appearance, mostly black and fuzzy and around 2-3 inches long. What was remarkable was their activity. All the caterpillars I seen today were crossing the hiway. Now I had to ask myself why? First guess ...food. Im not an entomologist(?) or any kind of behavioral scientist so i'm just making guesses here. Caterpillars, I believe, eat plants and leaves and there seemed to be plenty of foliage on both sides of the hiway so i scratched food. Next guess...confusion. Maybe caterpillars just cruise around with no real direction looking for stuff to see and things to do? Except...none of the caterpillars were going up or down the hiway they were all going across it. Scratched confusion they clearly had their tiny minds made up. Guess #3... biological hazards on one side of the hiway. I thought perhaps some evil farmer who wanted to keep his crops intact and saleable had sprayed his fields with anti-caterpillar spray...nope, there were caterpillars crossing from both sides of the hiway...bio-hazard scratched! Then I began to think like a caterpillar (sidenote, I am fairly fuzzy). Why on earth would I, as a 3 inch bug with a top speed of maybe 20 ft. per minute, attempt to cross a busy 4 lane hiway with cars and trucks blazing by at 70+ mph threatening at any moment to make me a SPLATTERPILLAR? Then it came to me... these are probably all male caterpillars in search of some fuzzy lovin! Hey we have all done some crazy stuff in the hope of scoring some snuggle time with the opposite sex right? Which makes me wonder, are we so different than our fuzzy neighbors the caterpillar? I think not. Im off to eat a leaf and see the world from the other side. Please dont run over me.