Okay I Get It

Nobody reads my nonsense anymore, except my girlfriend, and she kind of has to. If she doesn't read it and tell me I am the funniest, handsomest, sexiest guy in the world I will pout and sit on the couch all day watching Fox news. (don't judge me)

I get it though. People are busy, and tired, and sick of the government jerking us around for no reason. We are all bored to death with Fox news and MSNBC and the Washington Post and the New York Times. Sick of wondering who will be insuring us and whether or not we will have a job tomorrow. Annoyed with the threat of global warming while we struggle to pay the heating bill through one of the coldest winters in recent history. We are fairly disgusted with the fact that so many of our young men and women in the military are stuck overseas because Iran and Isreal don't want to play nice with one another.

Tired of hearing about the stars in Hollywood getting married or divorced every 5 minutes and tired of thinking about who really gets to decide if LGBT couples should or should not be allowed to marry in whatever state.

Tired of reading and watching the same commercials on TV about who has the best cellular coverage or the coolest new phone on the planet, it's a phone...they all do pretty much the same thing. Reality TV has been done and re-done. From Pregnant at 16 to Teen Mom. (yes thats usually how it happens...duh) Fishing for crab in Alaska led us to fishing for Tuna in the northeast. Looking for gold under the frozen Bering sea led to looking for gold in the jungles of Guyana.

A semi toothless guy who catches nuisance turtles for a living led to a couple of guys in Florida who catch alligators for a living. That show led to a bunch of people in Louisiana who shoot alligators which led to a family in Loisiana who make duck calls. Now you can go to pretty much any sporting goods store or Wal-Mart and buy camoflauged shirts, cups, hats, jackets and a bunch of other crap to let the world know that you are indeed an idiot.

Toddlers and Tiaras spun out Honey Boo-Boo. (thanks for that) What else is there to see? Competitive arm wrestling? Yeah thats a show too. SNORE!

Yep the country isn't really doing shit right now it's all old news for the most part so take a few minutes off and visit some blogs. You may get a chuckle or two on an otherwise dull ordinary day. Write something interesting on your blogs for the rest of us to read too. I sure miss the old back-and-forth with my bleeps of yesteryear. We had fun! If nothing else just call or shoot me an e-mail once in awhile so I know you're all still alive! Take care Bleeps!

Don't Judge Me

My refridgerator had developed a funk. I wasn't sure what was causing the offensive odor so my plan was to empty it completely and do a sort of smell-as-I-go thing.

There it is...yet another evolutionary failure. (see old blog about evolutionary fails. "Evolution" 10/31/09) Why can't we just throw shit away when it has gone beyond it's "use by" date? Why do we assume that we are smarter than the people who make, and determine the shelf life of the food we eat?

So I tore into the offensive appliance with a vengeance. I vowed never again to let foodstuffs go even one day beyond the recommended "use by" date. I have a calendar...it's right on my phone, and computer, and newspaper and even on the T.V. No reason to ever let food go bad again right? WRONG. I am getting older and the smartasses who put the "use by" dates on food have begun hiding the dates in odd places on food packaging and using the smallest print known to man. Yeah thats really funny jackholes, and a program I saw recently said that 2000 people would die this year from food poisoning. (maybe it was 200...I forget)

Back to me. I emptied the fridge and physically examined every item in there. Looking, smelling, and occasionally tasting the contents. If you are inspired by my fridge cleaning adventure please take note, if you haven't seen it in a couple of weeks, and you don't remember buying or preparing it, DON'T TASTE IT yuck!

Okay, so as I was going along I came upon a tupperware-ish bowl half full of kidney beans. (delicious on a salad) I didn't know how long they had been in there so I gave them a sniff. MISTAKE! MISTAKE! ABORT MISSION...ABORT! I am so happy I hadn't eaten any breakfast yet. My gag reflex is pretty tuned in to foul smelling stuff. Yes I very nearly puked.

The beans and the bowl found their way to the trash bag which quickly found it's way to the trash bin outside. (sorry tash man, I will put some Sonic gift cards out with the trash Tuesday evening)

The only other real mystery I discovered in there was what I believe to be cantaloupe juice. The biggest part of the mystery was, how the hell would cantaloupe juice get under that drawer? And how long has it been since a cantaloupe was even in here? No worries, eventually I got it sparkling clean. All the out of date stuff went into the trash and I think I managed to finish before the rest of the food spoiled from being out of the fridge.

So did it work? I don't know yet. Thought I would give it a couple hours to cool back down and then check for any odd aromas inside.

I think I will be scheduling a regular fridge deep-clean every so often from now on. I'm not sure what the recommended time between fridge deep-cleanings is, but I think every couple months is probably sufficient.

Squirrels

If you have spent very much time in my presence you are aware of my squirrel issues. Love them, hate them, tastes like chicken....etc. My friend Willy calls them "tree-bacon".

First the squirrel pros:

1: Squirrels are cute. Don't lie, they are very cute with their furry selves running around acting crazy.

2: Squirrels are pretty smart. It's true. I have watched a squirrel "fake bury" a nut in my yard. I was curious so I looked it up. Apparently they fear another squirrel might dig up their stash so they fake it sometimes. They build nests high up in the trees and you can supposedly tell how much snow the winter will bring based on whether the nests are out far on the branches or nearer to a more substantial fork in the tree.

3: Squirrels are great climbers/acrobats. They run right up trees and poles. They fearlessly tightrope along power lines and high tree branches. They can jump a long way and land without killing themselves.

Now the cons.

1: Squirrels are not cute. They sit smugly staring at you with their beady little eyes that scream "Death to all humans". They throw nut hulls down at people and pets just because they can. If dogs and cats ever sprout wings, squirrels are fucked.

2: Squirrels are not very smart. They will walk right into a live trap baited with sunflower seeds even though there isn't a sunflower within 10 miles of my house. They will break into my garage and rip out the insulation and chew through the wiring. Apparently squirrel digestive tracts cannot handle fiberglass insulation too well... they eat it and die. Electricity is not a squirrels friend, a nibble into garage wiring will roast a squirrels ass in no time. In case of a really severe winter they will just move into my garage. Dumb idea squirrel, I have a gun and you know I will fire it inside the garage.

3: Squirrels are poor climbers/acrobats. Their little flat bodies on the street under trees and power lines are a testament to their clumsiness. I witnessed a squirrel fall from a tree once. It was actually kind of funny. No, it didn't kill him but it knocked the wind out of him pretty good...stupid squirrel.

Other odd squirrel behaviors:

I'm not sure why, but sometimes I see squirrels sitting on top of the railroad tracks until its almost too late. My best guess is that the vibration of a locomotive thundering along at 55 mph feels good on their nuts. (not the nuts they eat) I haven't tried it myself, yet, mostly because I'm a LOT slower than a squirrel.

I have noticed on more than one occasion that a squirrel will sit with his back to the wind and his tail raised high in the air. I'm not sure but I guess the chilly wind feels good blowing on their squirrel butt holes.

If in a fit of anger you throw a chunk of a 2x6 at a belligerent squirrel, he will run over and inspect the chunk...like I would really try to smack him with food.

Bottom line is this, I don't care much for squirrels. They have their place in nature but I am pretty sure that place isn't my garage. They accidentally plant trees sometimes because they forget where they buried their acorns, and planting trees is nice. They provide food for hawks and hunters and today they gave me a reason to write awhile. I guess they aren't so bad after all. HA HA Tree Bacon.

Starbucks-Shmarbucks

I have a new toy. Settle down pervs, it's an espresso machine.

I like my caramel mochas. I was so excited when McD's started making Starbuck-esque coffee drinks. Finally a fast food option for my addiction. No more waiting in line behind well heeled, soccer mom coffee snobs ordering who the hell knows what in their alien, caffeine stoked language only known to green aproned baristas with crazy dialated pupils!

So I rushed right out my front door and into the realm of disappointment. I soon found myself in line behind hungry yet indecisive working people trying to figure out how to improve their odds of a heart attack while spending the least amount of money. Someone should write a book, "How to Kill Yourself For 6 Bucks Or Less" Thank you dollar menu!

The problem with McD's making espresso drinks is simple...it isn't a coffee shop, it's a burger joint. About one in three coffee drinks I ordered from them came out as planned...the others, epic fails. Well a few ruined drinks are worth it because of the savings per cup right? WRONG. I was only saving about .50 per drink.

There I was. Sad, and still looking for the illusive delicious, affordable caramel mocha. I'm not a giver-upper by nature and so decided there must be a better way. Eureka! I could make my very own drinks at home for half the cost of commercial drinks!

First step...I needed an espresso machine, easy right? WRONG. Searching the internet for espresso machines is kind of like shoe shopping, THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY OPTIONS!! (yes shoe shopping is on my list of things she should do when I'm not home.) So I began to read reviews on different machines and get price comparisons and color options and different features available blah blah blah! It was exhausting. I just want my mocha!

My local coffee roaster/seller (Thanks Dennis and Leah) took pity on me cause they are AWESOME and sent me a guy's information (Thanks Sam) who had done a crap load of research into the tangled web of information that is the home espresso machine. His research coupled with my research led me to the Breville Barista Express machine. Good reviews, nice features, affordable (compared to other machines) and available at a local(sort of) store.

There are a lot of little things to learn about making espresso at home. temperature, grind size, tamp pressure, whole or reduced fat milk, syrup flavors, etc. Yes its a learning thing but I am pleased to announce that I can now make my very own delicious caramel/white chocolate mochas at home! (insert happy dance).

Teach Your Children Well...

School is back in session. I drove Sweety-Pie to class the other day because she was running late and didnt want to look for parking. It seems to me that some parents are clearly wasting their hard earned dollars by sending their kids away to college. The money would be better spent sending them to some sort of remedial kindergarten. Here are a few notes to go over with the kids before sending them off to pretty much anywhere.

#1 Walking in the street is dangerous. Part of your parents money pays for those empty sidewalks. They were put there for you, use them.

#2 You are not special. Look around, there are bunches of others just like you.

#3 Thats a "back" pack...wearing it in the front, covering your field of vision will possibly injure you and will positively make you look like an idiot.

#4 Winter in Kansas is cold. Wear a coat. Ladies, coats are clunky and they cover up your new college outfits but remember from #2 nobody is looking at you anyway. Guys, frostbite doesnt make you look tough. Its pretty gross actually. And guys, no females are gonna be interested in kissing you while you are nursing a nasty, mid-winter, coughy, boogery, phlegmy cold. Wear a coat.

#5 Look before you cross the street. Dont assume that "pedestrians have the right of way". A 3000lb car travelling at 30mph will fucking ruin your day. (yes, I was hit by a car once. I wasnt hurt bad but my bicycle was pretty much trashed)

#6 This is an important one... The people you are pissing off with your juvenile antics today, (me), are the same ones you will be expecting to give you a tip when you serve them dinner tomorrow.

Dont get me wrong, I really like young people. I just think they sometimes forget the basics when they go off to college. So, Mom and Dad, Go over some basic rules of survival with your college bound kids and send them on their way with a hug, a kiss and their mittens securely safety pinned to their coats.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to you all!! Been very busy in Kansas but all is well. Sorry I havent stayed in touch but I think of you all often.