Thursday, December 31, 2009

Yummy, Why didn't someone tell me?

I just had a bluberry scone from Starbucks...Oh Em Gee! (thats 12 year old girl slang for WOW) It was soooo good! Maybe the snickers bar that I ate for supper last night was totally gone and I was starving but, that scone rocked!! I no longer have any use for the lowly muffin, nay, the scone is now my breakfast of choice! I just finished reading Treasure Island so I may use words like "nay" and "aye" for awhile in my posts.

Ok that said, I wanted you all to know that I spoke with dear Cynica yesterday. She wanted you all to know she is back from her wanderings but is a little under the weather. Look for her to post in the near future.

So it's New Years Eve (day) and I want to wish you all the very best 2010 possible. I hope to see you all on here often as your posts and pictures brighten my days. Spot, you should be ashamed of yourself for leaving us all hangin yesterday! That was like trying to eat one potato chip... I know however that the story will be worth the wait. Danica, I can hardly wait to hear what evil deeds are yet to come from Narci O' the North, and how you and Eyvi are plotting against him and his band of evil-doers! Kathryn, I look forward to many new and exciting interviews with the cornflower blue eyed Clinton Kelly and stories of your automotive woes. Jessica, your adventures with Tim are always entertaining and I love the foul language and the photos. Leese, you can make me giggle on the worst of days and I know you read all my posts so you get a gold star. Heather, I don't know anything about art but I am taking an interest thanks to your posts and pictures. I hope that when you become famous we can have a pint and watch some cartoons! This is dragging on so I am cutting myself off here. To all my blogbuds, have a great 2010 and keep the posts coming!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Amazon you're a genius!

Guess what I got for Christmas? Yes a Kindle. Oh it's really cool. But the coolest thing is how Amazon sold a toy that is never ever paid for! They are marketing geniuses! I know right? See how it works is this, first you buy the Kindle, then you decide you may want to use it on a road trip so you buy a car charger, then you buy a lovely case for it to protect your investment.

So Christmas comes and you get all giddy and happy even though the cat was let out of the bag a couple of weeks ago when you got that confirmation e-mail from Amazon saying your Kindle and case and accessories would be delivered soon. So you happily open your new gift and begin to check it out and it is all good and everyone is happy and then you decide you want to read a book on it like right now. Yep, they want another $10 or so but it is cool because you have the new book in less than a minute. I know right? It was sooo cool that after I read that book I ordered another one...$10 again, but I have a new book to read in less than a minute and I didn't have to go to the book store or library or even get in my car that was buried in the snow.

It could be that my new Kindle saved my life. The roads were terribly snowy and dangerous but thanks to the marketing geniuses at Amazon, I was safe in my little room. They maybe should advertise the life saving qualities of their product.

I think that Lovely will soon take my new toy away from me lest we end up homeless in the streets due to my lust for literature and the coolness of a whole book arriving on my machine in like 60 seconds.

OK, I know that there are some folks on here who have made their blogs available to subscribe to on the Kindle. I have to say I probably won't subscribe because I get to read these awesome blogs for free right here on blogger. If ever comes a time that I can't read them due to broken down computer or if I am whisked off to outer space as a captive of aliens, I then will subscribe to the Kindle blogs.(note: if the aliens are female with say 3 boobs I may just stow away on their spaceship)

I did however find a serious problem with my Kindle...I can't loan a Kindle book to a friend. That sucks for me and for my friends but I think that for Amazon it will be very profitable. Based on this fact alone, I am recommending Amazon stock as a strong buy for the short term. I will post a quick note when the Lovely wife takes my new toy away. I will title it SELL! SELL! SELL!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Lets Make A Deal!!

I have never been one to have headaches, unless it is due to too much alcohol...if there even is such a thing as too much alcohol. I have a splitting headache right now. I have been having them for awhile now and I think they are due to my stress level. I know right? What stress?


So here I sit at what is arguably one of the best medical facilities in the country and certainly one of the best in the midwest, dying from a friggin headache.
They have all sorts of drugs here. Cancer drugs, virus drugs, bacteria killers...etc. But not a friggin asprin to be had anywhere. Not for a visitor anyway.

In my desparation I went to speak to some ladies in the hospital cafeteria to maybe see if I could score some ibuprofen tablets. DENIED! Maybe the gift shop...Ugh, closed at 7:00 and it's a quarter to 8. DENIED!
Summoning the dark powers from deep within my twisted psyche I contemplated rolling a passing visitor carrying a huge purse that undoubtedly contained some fucking asprin or some pain killers or maybe a gun with which I could remove my offending appendage...my head.

It was the thought of the gun that snapped me back to reality. A headache is bad but a gunshot wound followed by a lengthy prison sentence is probably much worse. Or is it? In any case I opted not to mug the lady with the American Tourister suitcase sized purse.

I still had the headache, and I was no nearer to any relief than when I started. Then I remembered a particular game show from my youth..."Lets Make A Deal". I'm showing my age here but I don't care because I still look good. (okay I made that up) In the last minutes of the show Monty Hall (the host) would offer audience members cash for everyday items they might have on thier person. He might offer like 100 bucks for a paperclip or an ink pen. It was genius, crazy people digging through pockets and purses like mad trying to get that loot, all while dressed in ridiculous costumes. I miss that show.

So I went to a nurses station and announced that three ibufrofen tablets would be worth like 10 bucks. Guess what...it worked! And the kind nurse didn't even want the $10.00 There you go then. Ask and you shall receive, or ask and offer money and you shall receive.

Thats about all I have for now, Junior is having eye surgery and this is the nervous gibberish I am using to pass the time.

Happy Holidays!

Hey Blog-buds! Just a note to wish you all a very Merry Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza or whatever holiday you do at your house. I am off to see the boy for a couple days. The money-pit is progressing nicely we have hired a contractor who apparently doesn't need to make a yacht payment this month. I will post more later and maybe something funny too! Depends if the local Home Depot has a sense of humor or a really fast security guy or something. I dunno for sure yet. I hate it that I have been too busy to write on here for a few weeks but I do peruse your posts from time to time and they are great as usual! Anyway, I will "see"? you all after the first of the year or maybe sooner, who knows? Have a great day!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

I'm Still Here!

Hey blogbuds, it just occurred to me that I have been absent from blog-class for a long time. I'm still here! I have been very very busy with one thing or another lately but I haven't forgotten you all! I am trying to get my house, (aka the money pit) ready for the return of my son. I will be returning to blogville soon though and will likely have some really good "i hate my contractor" stories. So don't delete me from your blogrolls just yet. Thinking of you all...Mark.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Really? How Hard Is This Stuff?

Are some people just rude? Were they just not raised properly? In case people don't realize it when they are doing stupid shit that irritates me, I am offering up some tidbits of what I call life etiquette.

When I eat dinner at home I don't usually set out 3 forks, 2 spoons, and a separate knife for butter and steak. When I am preparing to sit down to a ham sammich and some chips, I don't think it's necessary to have a dinner plate, a bread plate,and a soup bowl. Likewise I don't need a water glass, a wine glass, and a teacup and saucer to drink a can of pop.(beer) Usually a single plate and a napkin are all that is required. I know, I am a total neanderthal.(so sue me Martha Stewart) There are some books available that teach etiquette, but sadly some normal, everyday situations didn't make the list. Here are a couple that come to mind.

First there is the "thank you wave". When I'm blazing through traffic at well over 100mph and I slow down to let Old Uncle Otis crowd into the Nascar race that I call rush hour, he should throw me a thank you wave. "Hey Mark, thanks for letting me in front of you even though you know I'm only going to drive 27mph. And I am going to be getting back off the hiway after 4 illegal lane changes in a 1 mile stretch of road because I am totally lost anyway." Is it really that hard to raise one hand and wave a simple thank you? I think not.

Next we have the "elevator hold". Really lady, how much longer is your trip to the friggin 2nd floor going to take because you let me get on the elevator? You know you just looked and saw me running towards you screaming like a madman to "hold the elevator". Did I scare you? Did you really feel like you were in danger of me mugging you? Did you think the other 4 people on the elevator were my accomplices, or was I planning on taking you all down? Maybe you thought my coffee was going to be used as a weapon...Again, I think not.

How about "please", "thank you", and "excuse me"? These may well be in the existing etiquette books, especially the please and thank you, but "excuse me" has several uses that people either don't know about or choose to ignore.
If someone crashes into you at the supermarket is it too much to ask for a simple "excuse me"?
How about when a fart slips out in the line at Starbucks?
Option A: Keep quiet and pretend I don't know it was you who dropped ass, even though I am standing right behind you and clearly saw your dress poof out 6 inches. Or...
Option B: Say excuse me!
What about the waitress at your local diner who reaches across the table to fill a water glass and dusts your cheeseburger with yesterdays underarm deodorant? Yeah, theres an "excuse me" moment...check please!

I could probably go on all night about this stuff, but I have some other stuff to do today. If you all will please excuse me, I will be signing off for now. Thank you and have a great day!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Friendly?... Skies

I was reading a post from one of my very favorite bloggers the other day and decided to post this. A thank you for the idea and a loud blog shout-out to Jessica at Booshy. She was telling a story about her sucky flight and it occurred to me that I too have been on some crappy flights.

One such flight was when The lovely wife, the son,and I were heading home to Anchorage from Kansas after a nice visit with our peeps.

Picture, if you will,passengers crying...yeah with tears and stuff. I would have bet you a paycheck that it was Skippy's (made up pilots name) first unassisted landing attempt. I remember telling Lovely that if he didn't land soon that I was going to do it for him. (note: I'm not a pilot) Finally though, after many many approaches and aborted landings... our pilot Skippy, the forces of gravity, and our almost certain lack of enough fuel to try even one more time got us safely on the ground. We were in Phoenix enroute to Anchorage. If not for the whole 3000+ miles to go thing, I swear I would have rented a car to finish the trip. It sucked.

Almost as bad as our trip from Honolulu to Dallas.
Our pilot informed us on takeoff that we would have 2 and a half hours of smooth flying. Let's see 8+ hours to get to Hawaii, and only 2 and a half to get back? I thought, Wow this is either one really fast jet or were fucked in a couple of hours.

Yep, fucked. Flight attendants had the first round of drinks served in about 15 minutes. Then a meal,and a second round of drinks. After about 2 hours I noticed them strapping themselves in their tiny flight attendant seats, If you're ever on a plane and you see that happening, ask the lady sitting next to you for all of her remaining Xanax. Trust me you will be glad you did. 6 hours of slamming around inside an aluminum tube at 35000 ft. and don't even think you are going to the shithouse, unless you brought a helmet in your carry-on bag. Truly sucked. In fact that flight turned me off Hawaii. Next time I will be on a ship thank you.

I remember another flight that I was on that was sort of freaky but cool so it doesn't entirely fit with the whole shitty flight theme. Anyway, myself and 5 other guys were going fishing in Seldovia, Alaska. We and our baggage were weighed before the air taxi people split us into 2 groups of 3. We were going to be in a tiny little plane so the pilot had to make 2 trips from Homer to Seldovia. Not a huge deal it's like a 10 minute flight. On our approach to land in Seldovia our pilot encouraged us to hang on as he would be stopping abruptly on touchdown, on a gravel pad known as the air strip... Wow, abruptly hardly explains that landing. Later I learned that it takes a lot more space to land a small plane than it does to take off. Who'da thunk it?

Ok last one...One Christmas I had sent Lovely wife, and son to Kansas for the holidays. I had to work so I wouldn't be joining them but secretly I planned to surprise them with a visit on Christmas Eve. I know, I'm cool like that. As my plane took off from Anchorage, I and pretty much everyone else on the flight noticed the pungent odor of a lot of smoke in the cabin. Hey this doesn't seem quite right. There was some fairly serious grumbling going on from my fellow passengers as well as some whispered prayers and probably some "Sorry I was such a crappy husband/wife I didn't love her/him it was purely physical"..blah blah blah confessions. Now if I have said it once I have said it a million times...don't start confessing stuff till the pilot tells you to. I think there is some kind of addendum they can throw out there to go along with the preflight "how to fasten a seatbelt" lecture.

Anyway we are all sort of wondering if they will be able to identify our bodies after being in the gulf of Alaska for a few days when Timmy(made up name) comes hopping down the center aisle with a screwdriver. I couldn't help myself, I started giggling. This kid who looked a lot like a 2nd year cubscout, thinks he is going to save us from our fiery plunge into the freezing cold ocean... with a screwdriver. You gotta know it was funny.

Soon the pilot informed us that we were indeed not on fire but we had blown a tire on takeoff and the tire was smoldering in it's little tire compartment under the plane. Not gonna die, perfectly ok to land minus one tire, aaaannnnnnd sorry for the heart attack. Thank you for choosing Delta and the weather in Salt Lake City is blah, blah, blah... I wonder if some of the passengers then spent the rest of the holiday season perusing the yellow pages for divorce lawyers.

Hey I would totally like to hear about your crappy flights too. Tell me in a giant comment or a tiny one, whatever you're comfortable with. See you next time!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Early, So What?

OK did it again. enter key on right, tab key on left! Ahhh dyslexia. Just wanted to wish all of you a happy Thanksgiving holiday. Yeah I know it's early...so what? My blog, my rules.

I like Thanksgiving because I don't have to feel guilty about eating like a pig. OK I never feel guilty about over eating. Turkey is sort of gross, it isn't one of my favorite foods, chicken either. Oh, I will eat turkey if I go to someones house who is serving it. I'm just cool like that.

I prefer ham for holiday meals. It makes sense you know. Even the name ham has a yummy sound "HAMmmmm" Also if I'm gonna eat like a pig I think I should be eating...(wait for it)...A PIG! There you go.

Is it just me, or do other guys want to laugh and say "giggity" every time you hear a chick say they are going to "stuff their turkey"? I'm always wanting to say "I'll stuff yer turkey baby!" Well, not always.

It still amazes me that Lovely Wife puts up with my nonsense.

In any case, I hope you all have a fun, safe holiday. Enjoy your families and friends. Yipee I am spending the day with Lovely Wife, and The Boy!

For all of you who don't live in the U.S. Just have a good ordinary day. And feel free to eat as much as you want and then take a long nap in your favorite chair.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Little Bunny Fufu

So there's this song for kids about Little Bunny Fufu. I think he goes a-hopping through the forest and something bops him on the head, or maybe he bops someone on the head. I can't remember because I'm old and usually drunk or high or something is wrong with me or something. Anyway I thought of Little Bunny Fufu the other night and wrote some new lyrics for his song based on something I saw:

Little Bunny Fufu, hopping through the forest,
hears a whistle blowing and runs into the night.

Whistle getting closer, bunny running faster,
sees the train a-coming, gets blinded by the light!

Here comes Little Fufu, scared that he is soon dead,
doesnt see the steel rail and whacks his bunny head!

Running very slow now, cant remember just how,
little bunny Fufu got this big bump on his head!

OK my engineer and I were laughing our asses off when we saw that bunny go running head first into the rail. Oh, he's ok, it accordioned him up for a second causing his bunny ass to meet up with his bunny head, but he scampered off towards the bushes looking very confused and embarassed.(off to rub his head no doubt) So if any of you happen to see a small brown, cross eyed bunny acting goofy and possibly with a slightly misshapen head...please tell him we're sorry and that we weren't going very fast. He had plenty of time to hop over the rail.

Friends And Vandals

I was walking through the railroad yard today and saw some really nice "car-art". The typical painting you see on a rail car is either gang related nonsense, or someones name. The artists use some very creative fonts that sometimes make it near impossible to decipher.

Today however the art I saw was a silhouette of 3 children. The first was a little boy towing a kite behind and above him while a little girl and another little boy ran behind. It was done in white paint on a rust colored railcar. It was truly amazing. The scene brought only one word to mind, JOY. I felt happy just looking at it. It brought back memories of a different time, with no deadlines, no bills, and no pressing responsibilities. At first I thought I should take a picture of it and post it for the world to see. Then I thought no, this one is just for me. I needed it. Thank you to the vandal for turning my day/week/month around. I am willing to bet that whomever made the painting, did it for himself and didn't think about the effect it might have on me today. If a painting on the side of a railcar can make a positive difference in someones life, is it still vandalism? The railroads would say yes, me? I'm not so sure...today it is Art.

I read some very nice comments on my last post. It feels really good to be accepted and be part of something bigger than myself. Kind of felt like a cyber-hug from my blogbuds. Thank you all, I needed that today. I hope you all understand that I was not feeling good about what was coming out when I wrote. I think you deserve better posts. Your kind words and encouragement make me want to try harder and do better.

I have a new appreciation for professional writers. Writers Block. Sometimes words just will not come. Why? what external factors influence our thought process so much that we simply cannot find words? I think the answer is, all external factors! The weather, our health, our families, and our jobs. Yes, the very things that drive us to write can destroy our ability to string words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs. Life giveth and Life taketh away. Its a connundrum. I never gave any thought to it before because trust me I am never out of stuff to talk about...ever. I think though that sometimes too much stuff bouncing around inside my head makes it really tough to convey a thought. An overload of emotion positive or negative can make it terribly hard to put feelings into words.

What follows is what I feel may have caused my recent bout of bloggers block.

Comedy is a sort of double edge sword. There is nearly always an element of pain or humiliation involved with a laugh. No? Then why do we laugh when we see a kid smack a wiffle ball into his dad's nuts? Why is it hysterical to watch a drunken butt-head at a wedding trip and destroy a $1500 wedding cake? We laugh because it's FUNNY! (unless you're the bride or her dad who paid for the cake) It is in our nature to laugh at the pain and humiliation of others. Sad, but true.

Sometimes comedy can go to far. One of my favorite comediennes is Sarah Silverman. She regularly goes too far, I have seen her boo-ed on television. My guess is that Sarah isn't setting out to humiliate and offend people because she doesn't like them or to hurt them. I think she simply understands thats what comedy is...pain. Recently I made a joke and hurt someones feelings who I really care about. I was a little more callous than I needed to be and I am terribly sorry for that, there was no meanness or maliciousness intended. It was supposed to be funny. It wasn't recieved as such. It made me want to take a step back and re-evaluate my blogs genre. Here's the deal, funny is pretty much all I know. What if everything I write hurts someones feelings. Who the heck do I even think I am, maybe I should just stop.

So I took a break. I was miserable for days. I figured I had maybe lost one of my dearest friends in the world and not sure how to fix it. Not fun.

There is another issue that has been plaguing me for several days as well. I miss my family. For those who don't already know, my son has been hospitalized since the middle of May. He is very sick and had to recieve a bone marrow transplant. There have been many setbacks and scary times over the last few months. The changing of the seasons from spring to summer to autumn and now to winter has been tough. The bare branches on the trees are another reminder of how long he has been battling this illness. A reminder that we have not been a "regular" family for a long, long time. It's very hard, with the holiday season fast approaching to keep a smile on my face. Knowing that we will likely be spending our holidays in a hospital or at best in a home for cancer patients who have had or are waiting to have treatments. I do not feel sorry for myself. I feel a little lost, like I am only part of who I once was. The hours I spend on trains or reading, commenting,and writing on this site help me to focus on something other than my son's health, measured by cell counts and caloric intake, constant testing and re-testing,500 new doctors and new courses of action.

I keep a car in the city where my trains go so that I can escape the prison of my 10x15ft hotel room. I can go places and see things besides the 4 walls. That old car has been very handy to get back and forth to see my wife and son while I am in the city. Several days ago the brakes went out. Now I was without a vehicle. I was spending time 10 miles from my family with no way to go see them. IT SUCKED! Rather than haul it off to a shop to fix it my friend and co-worker who co-owns the car with me said he would fix it. We are both decent mechanics but we had no tools, and no shop to put it in so we were held hostage by the weather as well as the time of day when we got to the city. It is hard to work outside in the dark on a car, ask anyone. So last night I was sitting outside, with a flashlight at midnight in the cold fixing the car. It sucked hauling 80 lbs. of wrenches around all day on a train but now I feel better knowing now I have my ride back. It has been too long since I have seen my family. I am also packing around 10lbs of mail that the lovely wife hasn't gotten yet.

There you have it.
Sick son, irregular family life, looming holiday season, seriously damaged friendship, and a broken car.

It's amazing really. Your kind words and a painting on the side of a boxcar have moved me to put thoughts back into written words. Thank You Friends and Vandals.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Lets Try This

Shit, I hate it when I confuse the tab key with the enter key. Pisses me off cause BOOM you just published...a title! Ugh! So now I feel compelled to write something in here, anything. My blog mind is a blank slate. His Majesty the Cat is watching me and looking rather perturbed that I am not letting him pet himself on my hand. Spoiled Cat. Eveytime I look at him he's all like..."Well?"... I don't know.

So I am getting ready for the holiday next week. Trying to make sure my belly stays stretched out ready to accept mass quantities of grub. Took 3 days off work to be with the family so that should be fun.

OMG... Could this be any lamer? Is lamer even a word? perhaps more lame would be better. Either way I am keeping it short so you wont have killed more than like 3 minutes to read it. Comments are totally unneccesary. The fact is I don't think it's fun for me right now to be blogging. I guess I need to go back and think about why this all seemed so important for a couple of months. Something has changed, not entirely sure what it is. I still enjoy reading the posts from my blogbuds, and I will be commenting on your posts because...you guys are awesome! I have had a good time writing and reading and interacting with you all. I feel like I kind of know some of you, and I am happy to have known you through your posts. Sheesh I feel like I am moving away from the old neighborhood.

So I'm taking a break. Or retiring. Until I have something funny or important to say, I'm done.

Monday, November 16, 2009

My Lame Comment.

Apparently some people demand a re-comment that they feel is worthy of the time and effort that they put into their comment. You know who you are and here is me correcting my lameness. No, not secretly in a text message, but right out here for all the world to see. Happy now crybaby? Oh wait,

"Oh, oh, thank you so much for your well thought out comment on my post. I can tell by what you wrote that you really think I'm clever and funny. It's obvious that you spent a shit load of time choosing just the right words to convey your thoughts. I hope to be more like you someday and I think we should get together and have some lunch next week...my treat...and discuss the post in even greater detail as some of the finer nuances may have been lost in the literal translation of said idea"

That better?

I am soooo making you buy my lunch.

You know I'm kidding right? No, not about you buying lunch, that part is real! The very coolest part of me posting this just might be the fact that since it is a public lameness correction you really won't be able to say too much about it in your comment. You pretty much have to be all like "Oh, who would say such a thing" Knowing this is making me laugh hysterically. Something wicked coming my way?
LMAO, I fear you not O' scary person wannabe. So where you takin me for lunch?

In the future I will try to be more aware of my re-comments. I will strive to isolate and eliminate the lameness gene from the DNA of my re-comments. Really, I promise...cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. (or is it, cross my heart, cannot lie, wish I had some freakin pie?) I'm hungry.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Left of Center Award!


Thanks and a HUGE shout out to Leese at Living Me 101 for sending me this award. Now this is how awards should be passed along. It feels really personal or something, like a gift, of underwear. Yeah thats it. And she made it herself. Leese made underwear and gave it to me...wait, not underwear, the award thats like underwear, but really nice underwear, silk or something equally shiny and slippery.

It's weird how all the good stuff is either shiny or slippery or both...like a goldfish. A real goldfish, not the snack crackers. Luckily this award, like shiny, slippery underwear won't be dying soon and need to be flushed down the crapper like a goldfish would. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

"This award is better than a goldfish"

Hmm. This will be a very tough award to pass on because it is quite specific. I'm not gonna try to pass it just yet, but I couldnt wait to post it on my blog so here it is! I may just keep it for myself and never pass it on...would that be wrong?

I will be posting something in a day or two so please don't abandon me yet. Been sort of busy lately. Just time enough to lurk and comment from time to time. Love all your blogs so just keep doing the same sort of stuff or change it or whatever. See how scatterbrained I have become? Wow!
Gotta run...Thanks again Leese!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Wow, Another Award?


A big shout out to Leese over at Living Me 101 for honoring me with this award.

First off, has anyone seen Kanye? I will kick his ass right off this stage if he starts his crap.

This is a special award because it requires nothing from the recipient! Good thing too, since so many of my blogbuds are wrapped up in nanowrimo,(Jessica and Spot) Thanksgiving,(everyone) having jobs,(Cynica) and going on freakin vacations (Lilu!) this month. Following tradition I will be passing this award along to a few of my sweetest blogbuds. Oh since Chrissy is on blog-cation somebody send it her way please.
For the Award I nominate:

Cynica Sarcastamos @ What I'm Sayin

Spot @ What Passes For Sane On A Crazy Day

Danica @ Platitude Paradise

Kathryn @ From the Inside Out

Hmm, did I forget anyone? If I did feel free to swipe the button you know I think you're all sweet...Um BlackLog and Kurt, not that way. More of a manly sort of sweet. LMAO

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Interview Pt. 2

Due to my interviewer freaking out during our last session, we had to reschedule our time and start over. This is part 2 of our interview.

Interviewer: Are we ready to try this again?

Me: Sure but no guarantees, you want a beer before we start?

I: It's 8:30 in the morning...you think you should be drinking?

M: I'm not sure.

I: I understand your first blog post references a friend who is writing a screenplay. How is that going?

M: I don't know. We don't talk about that anymore.

I: Oh? Trouble in blog paradise?

M: No. We both just have really short attention spans, if you couple that with almost no adult supervision you are left with the mess that is our collective thought process.

I: So, what do you talk about?

M: Different stuff.

I: Such as?

M: I promised I wouldn't say poop and pee.

I: OK Never mind then. Your blog post "I LUV MY JOB" talks about your work on the railroad, is that fulfilling?

M: I'm not sure "work" is an accurate description of my railroad job. I usually just sit and look out the window. And write blog posts.

I: So, would you be comfortable calling yourself an aspiring writer?

M: It depends on what I was doing when I called myself an aspiring writer.

I: I'm sorry, I don't follow.

M: Well, if I was sitting in my easy chair then yes, I would be comfortable. But, if I were say standing outside a burning building in the freezing cold wearing a shower curtain I would be uncomfortable.

I: The hell are you even talking about?

M: Sorry, I was trying to think of a very uncomfortable situation.

I: I should say so. Where did you come up with that scenario?

M: My blog-buddy Danica's blog.

I: I see.

M: It would also be very uncomfortable to be trapped in a haunted garage cubby hole.

I: Another blog reference?

M: Yes, from Spot's blog. Spooky stuff.

I: What would you do with a million dollars?

M: Probably build a big prodution set and create video blog posts spoofing tv movies and commercials. Then I would buy a really nice cape to wear to pbandtuna next year.

I: PB and Tuna?

M: LiLu's birthday party. Another blogger. Waaaay funny.

I: I shudder to think. So do you read several other blogs then?

M: Yes, they're listed in my "blogs I follow" area. There's a lot of talent here. Writers, artists, photographers, and comedians.

I: Your favorite?

M: All of them.

I: What was that look all about?

M: I just farted.

I: Thats it! We are done here. It's clear your main interest in life is goofing off, and making my life miserable.

M: Thats a fairly accurate observation but we just got started. I thought I might do some limmericks!

I: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Interview Pt. 1

I decided to try an interview type post. I totally stole the idea from Kathryn's Blog I hope you like it.

Interviewer: Mark Price, Creative name you use to sign your blog posts.

Me: Yeah I got it from my folks.


I: I see, how long have you been blogging

M: About 30 minutes today...I type really slow.

I: Actually I meant when did you start your Screenplay blog?

M: Oh, a couple months ago.

I: How would you describe your blog? The content?

M: I think it's a mix of chaos and confusion. I really just want to make people laugh.

I: I see you write an awful lot about, um, bodily functions. Why?

M: I'm not sure what you mean...the poop and pee thing?

I: Yeah, the poop and pee thing.

M: I really haven't got an answer for that. I wake up every day and write about whats on my mind. Maybe I woke up those mornings needing to go poop or pee.

I: OK, TMI. Lets talk about...

M: Of course if I need to pee that early in the morning the odds are that I will have a pee-on. I never blog about pee-ons.

I: I'm not sure I even know what a pee-on is.

M: It's like a hard-on, but its caused from having to pee real bad while you're sleeping. It's kind of a morning surprise. One minute you're asleep, the next you're all like "Well, hello friend, where'd you come from". Some guy's call it morning wood.

I: OK, OK, I think I've got it!

M: Morning wood? Now? Um, its afternoon. That wouldn't be a pee-on.

I: I don't have a pee-on! Never mind, where were we?

M: Hey it's totally ok if you have a "chubby" but I'm straight as an arrow...sorry to dissappoint you.

I: I'M NOT DISSAPPOINTED!!! Can we do this another time?

M: Riiiiiight. OK.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Post # 60...Really?

So I have been pretty blogstipated for a few days and was starting to feel like I had nothing to say...I know weird. This post is me opening my typing mouth and seeing if anything comes out. I thought post #60 should be something special or interesting or funny but the truth is I got nothin! So I went back over my shortlived blogging career and just read some old posts. Fun stuff. One thing I noticed was the regular use of acronyms in the comments.

WTF is a popular one but what does it mean? The "W" is the variable, is it Who, What, When, Where, or Why? Of course the "F" is also interchangeable. F**k, Frown, Fellow, Fun, or Freak! I don't know wtf people are saying when they use WTF.

And what about LOL? Is there a level of praise attached to the variations of an online giggle? For instance is LOLOL better than just plain old LOL? And what about LMAO? Surely there is a difference. If you get a ROFLMAOOL you should probably get a prize to go with it right?

Why is BRB never associated with, Been Real Busy? How do we know for sure that the "F" in BFF isn't the same "F" in WTF? That would certainly change things huh?

Then you have the ever present OMG. It is like a blog comment staple item. Like salt in a blog comment recipe. If I had a nickle for every OMG in bloggville, I would be rich.

So with that said I will go back to thinking about my next post, but I will leave you with this...
WTF am I doing LMAO OL while reading posts from my BFF's blog and other BBB's? IKR? BTW, OMG my BGF is a PITA sometimes...BION! JK! TTYL!

WTF???

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

To Pee or Not To Pee

This is gonna be a long ass post so if you need to pee do it now, we are not pulling over! And grab an aspirin cause this may give you a killer headache. This is a text conversation I had with my friend last night. I thought it was funny so I'm posting it here for all the world to see.(both my regular readers)(oh and her ) Be advised, I typed for like 3 hours so you could be a text voyuer.(sp?) If it sux, Just say hey this sux and I wont do part 2 tomorrow. Really? you ask. Yes really! Buckle up here we go.

Friend, (hereafter referred to as F): I sent you an e-mail of my first kids book.

Me, (hereafter referred to as M): Friend, I really liked imagining the pics, till I had to picture a little dog pissing on a tree. Really? Is the sequel gonna feature little Boo in heat getting gang dog-raped and going on Maury? Hmm? I loved it sans the pee though. Nice story and visuals, excellent phrasing.

F: No pee? Really? Hmm you don't look like a priss...u dont sound like a priss but for someone so poop obsessed you want no pee? Me thinks youre a total priss!

M: Priss? Hello Kettle? its me the pot! We're talking about 4 yr olds here!

F: ogs pee on everything and ma and pa always have their noses in their laptops...no?

M: Im writing a new grinds my gears post.

F: Dont change the subject Prissy Price!

M: I noticed my musings arent as funny when read aloud, is that normal?

F: see previous message

M: I cant help changing the subject and you forgot to send one of your texts. I have one that begins with ...ogs pee on everything.(pg 1 missing)

F: Scroll
F: Heres the deal Gloria,I have a smartphone unlike fruit phones my texts dont get split up into whatever wont choke my phone. a long text comes in one long flowing bubble...get a real phone!

M: Gloria is in the shower!
M: BTW this is great dialog for a post, im giggling a lot.


F: So back to the pee thing

M: well I dont see my sister buying a book for my neices that involves dog piss
M: I dont recall reading my kid any books with dog piss in them. totally would have put a new spin on the "Golden Books" though.


F: R U Kidding? Pee is really that offensive? ask around for me.

M: When your publisher says "we love it but lose the urine or its a no-go" thats pretty clear. And I will not be asking random people their views on pee in childrens books.

F: Who R U?

M: I'm Alphonse, call me!

F: TJI (this just in) Kids love anything with pee and poop whatswrongwithyou?

M: I will ask Lovely wife she is a pee poop authority.
M: Well I asked the boy he says no pee!


F: quit lying HEIR POOPMEISTER! I call a BS boy conspiracy!

M: I asked lovely wife she said pee...out! woo-hoo

F: what is wrong with you Kansassaurases? poo and pee are kiddies friends, they love em!

M: LOL

F: Everything has poop and pee in it now. theres a popular kids book called Why we Poop, and The Gas We Pass too. Where ya been Pricestone? weve missed you at the quaaaaaarry!

M: those books are poop specific though, to explain to kids why they poop. Yours is about finding something that sounds like "E" Its 3 to 1 against.
M: So is it published yet?


F: You really think a parent is gonna freak out over pee? Really? Yeah but you dont have a 5 yr old plus you put ketchup on everything!

M: I had a 5 yr old once and I have 4 neices and nephews age 5 and under...Im a pro.

F: Why yes, yes it is! Shut up. Geez! No it's not published- U know that Alphonseretta! But I dont think pee is a deal breaker. Maybe, but I aint seein it Gloria. I think I should pose the question on my blog.

M: Come on, bloggers are fibbers, they will say they love it just to be nice.

F: I before E except after C

M: what?

F: Neices is wrong. Duh get spell check

M: Really? pfffft.

F: Im not a blog liar. If I say I like it I really do.

M: me too but everyone cant be us. I know I have posted sum crap.

F: Back to your android nIEces and nephs, they wouldnt laugh at pee?

M: They might but their moms wouldnt, therefore no book sales. Well?

F: Well what? if you think it needs something else come up with it dont just sit there. Grief. monkey.

M: you got quiet and their is spelled correctly E before I... so PFFFT!

F: LOL, Thats a German word!

M: Their is a German word? I use it all the time. Hmm Im bilingual I guess.

F: Kidding my little assisant DA. I got nothin.

M: How bout this. Try doin without the pee and just send them home to dinner. Say goodbye to their friends at the park and off they go.

F: What about kite time and brushing their teeth? Did u read the whole thing? What? You were traumatized when u got to the pee part and couldnt go on?

M: I only got to there. I thought it was the end. Thats all that came. Last word was pee. Theres more? Hmm that may help. Send balance please.

F: Theres that pesky little SCROLL word again.

M: LMAO! I scrolled! I found the rest LOL
M: OK if I didnt luv u I wouldnt say this...I hate the balloon verse. Read it aloud and see if you still like it.

F: damn fruity phones anyway. So does it make the pee more acceptable? I'll re-read the balloon part. Judgy Wudgy was a bear...remember it's for little kids. theyre nice and they like balloons! So re-word it for me, O Red Headed Einstein.

M: Agreed I like the idea of balloons but give one to anyone who says theyre pretty? Bluuuuck. stand by a sec.

F: note to self: make a balloon verse rhymeing one and fun.

(OKay at this point I gave her a sweet line but it may be protected so.....)

F: Excellent but can we include sharing them too? Plus all the verses need the same sing songy rythem. KWIM?

M: Yeah, oh writer extrordinaire its called iambic pentameter or something. Why share the balloons? Thats crap, maybe take one home to mom.
M: Oh and Um rythem is rythm...no E and rhymeing is rhyming...also no E. google it.

F: OH God I've created a monsta!

M: Ya.

Monday, November 2, 2009

What Grinds My Gears vol. 3

You know what grinds my gears? Chain E-Mails. They promise good luck, fortunes, and miracles all for the low low price of irritating the crap out of your friends. Helloooo I don't need any help to be irritating. Ask anyone who knows me.

It really pisses me off to be minding my own business when some do-gooder feels the need to wreck my day with a chain E-Mail. These things come wrapped in all sorts of pretty little E-packages with their humorous or inspiring prose wrapped inside. Once I got one that had quotas attached to it. "Pass this on to 8 people and your day will be filled with good luck. Pass it on to 15 people and your dreams will come true in a month. Pass it on to 30 people and a giant goose will crap you out a golden turd! OK I made up the goose, but you get the gist.

Stop sending me these things people, I don't want them and I will not be sending them along to others. The fact that you sent it to me makes you partially responsible for the chain being broken. Even if it worked would it be worth it to irritate everyone in my contact list just to wake up to a bathtub filled with strippers and melted snickers bars?
OK that might make me do it.

Heres the thing, I believe in miracles and good luck but I don't believe they are prerequisite to me annoying the piss out of 8 of my friends. Thanks for listening!
Back to you Tom.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Memories

OK Readers this is sooo not my normal post content but I wrote it and I am posting it. Hate it? Too bad. My blog, my rules!

Well one of my favorite holidays has come and gone. Time to put away the styrofoam Jack-o-Lanterns for another 12 long months.

I really like Halloween. The children at my door and their shouts of "trick or treat", The colorful costumes and the smiling painted faces. Mom or Dad standing back on the sidewalk watching their little ones taking what may be their first solo flight into the world. Reminding them to always say thank you before leaving the porch. Perhaps remembering their youth, and feeling a little older, but at the same time proud that their offspring are carrying on a tradition that preceeds even their parents, and smiling.

I noticed that the smallest ghoulies, the first timers, are 100% against putting candy in their bag. They prefer to have the candy in their hands. Maybe they feel that, using the bag is akin to putting the goodies away. Older kids say in the 5yrs thru 8yrs range will use the goodie bag but they will look inside it even though they clearly saw you drop the candy inside. Still older kids above say 8yrs don't seem to care as long as you give them something. They have an agenda, fill this thing up with as much stuff as possible before Mom or Dad says it's time to go home. Their vast experience, gained from Halloweens past, has taught them that this collection process will end all too soon, and they know they need to hit as many homes as possible during the time allowed.

If memory serves, getting home was almost as exciting as being out there in the fracas. I remember dumping out my bounty on the kitchen table and discovering what beautiful sugary treasures I had accumulated throughout the night. There I would sit, gazing upon my loot thinking about how delicious it all looked, my mouth watering at the thought of all that candy.

Now as an adult I can still go back to that special time. I see it in the faces of the little ones at my door and I remember. Thank you little ones, for giving me back a few hours of my youth. See you next year!

Evolution

I sometimes think as humans we often do stuff that hinders our progress up the evolutionary ladder.

I recall from some time ago that a "friend" of mine,(may have been me) had some doggie-doo in his yard. Dogshit in the yard is a problem. While there may have been some questions of whom was responsible for removing the offending turd, it had yet to be disposed of. Being a human I chose to ignore rational thinking and left the dung where it was. I will call this inaction evolutionary failure #1.
The day that I went boldly into the yard to do who-knows-what, I, being evolutionally challenged, stepped in the dogshit that, well...that I knew was out there! This would be evolutionary failure #2
Now, not only do I have dogshit in my yard, it's on my shoe as well. This may have made me mentally reprimand myself for leaving the turd there in the first place, if I hadn't been moving downward at an alarming rate of speed. There I lay in the dogshitted yard with my dogshittty shoe and now a matching dogshit splatter on the ass of my jeans. Yep, evolutinary failure #3.
I have heard people talk about accidents always happening in 3's, so maybe I thought for a second that my "turd-venture" was finally over. I soon figured out though that this was no accident. This chain of events was an exercise in evolutionary failures. The accidents in 3's rule did not apply. Not today, not for me.
I got to my feet and wiped off my jeans...with my hand!

So there you have it. Dogshit in my yard, on my shoe, on my jeans, and finally on my hand. 4 evolutionary failures...Laziness, Forgetfulness, Clumsiness, and Stupidity.
What say you now Mr. Darwin?

ps. Sorry Danica, another poop story!

Halloween

I totally didn't prepare a spooky story for Halloween but here's a picture of my "spooky" house. We think it isn't haunted. :(

Friday, October 30, 2009

Lest there be any question...

A thought occurred to me today. What if my blog-buds think I am all uber-talented with making stuff up to write about. I'm here to say that this is soooo not the case. My imagination is ok at best. I blog about things that make an impression on me during the day. Sometimes I do reminisce about things from the past but it's mostly because I have recently been reminded of the event and possibly have a new "take" on it. As I get older and presumably wiser things tend to look different to me. When I was 8 yrs. old, eating a whole package of Oreo's seemed like an ok idea. Now at 44 I know that too much sugar is bad for me. Might not stop me from eating the cookies, but at least I won't be confused about the belly ache.
My blog posts are for the most part true events, and real thoughts. I know some of the thinking is a little skewed, but thats just how I roll. I look at something, question it's place in my world, and then write about my conclusions. It helps me to understand things if I put them in a "me" perspective. If I can find no reasoning to a particular something, I will usually put my own spin on it. Thereby making it more acceptable to me. (as my lovely wife says, it's all about ME.) Think of it as showing the work to figuring out a math problem. In any case my blog is me. A very good friend of mine reads these posts and would tell you that they are a pretty good representation of how things are processed inside my little mind. So, if you saw it here, there's a good chance it happened. I usually don't even bother changing the names to protect the innocent.
So, anyone still wanna read this stuff? I hope so because I may say something important someday and you will all be bummed out if you miss it. Or I will be.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

That Depends,

Not gonna make it...
Not gonna make it...
Room key! Where's my room key?! Son of a....
OK bags down, light, LIGHT...Where's the friggin light?
Belt buckle, button fly open, come on come onnnn! Zipper down, AHhhhh! Made it.

I nearly just peed my pants. 44 years old and already wondering if "depends" might be the way to go. Whats the big deal? So my ass would look somewhat fuller and more voluptu-ass, I don't care that much. A giant ass seems like a small price to pay for freedom. Think of how nice it would be to just stop whatever you are doing and pee in your pants. Babies do it all the time, and almost everyone likes babies. They totally have it made too. If they get tired of crawling they just cry a little and someone picks them up and carries them around. Hungry? Couple of whines and a boob pops in your mouth. Pretty sweet deal if you ask me. (probably why almost no one asks me stuff)

I wonder if the "depends" come scented? I really don't want to be smelling like pee all the time. I guess I could spray some deodorant down there or something. I would always have a soft place to sit and they would be really warm on my man parts in winter. So, lets see...

PROS:
Pee anytime or anywhere I want,
Soft place to sit,
Warm in winter.

CONS:
Bigger ass,
possible pee smell.

Looks like the pros have it, see you at Wal-Mart!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Kreativ Blogger...(sorry to disappoint)

A big thank you to Spot over at whatpassesforsaneonacrazyday She thought I needed to get all personal or something. I will do my best to make her proud.

What I'm supposed to do is write 7-10 facts about me then pass the “Kreativ Blogger’ award on to other favorite bloggers of mine. So read on...if you dare!

1: Not a lot of people know I used to be a redhead.

2: I prefer to think about things a lot before I actually do anything. It often gets me accused of being lazy, not true. I'm all about doing stuff as long as there is a point to it.

3: I do not start trouble. I do however like to make sure trouble stays stirred up. My motto: "sometimes you have to whack the hornets nest with a stick and see what flies out".

4: Currently married to my second wife, who was a close friend of my first wife. Simmer down...I totally met her after the divorce.

5: I don't like my job because it is terribly hard on my family life. I do like my job because it pays ok and gives me awesome benefits.

6: I almost never lose my temper anymore. I was a real hothead when I was younger but now it all seems a little foolish. Makes a lot more sense to me to just go to my happy place when I get irritated. Thank you Pfizer < totally kidding!


7: I'm a horrible typer. (typist?) I hunt and peck my way through these blog posts. This alone should make you be all like "Wow he must spend hours typing these posts for us."

8: My life is pretty much an open book. If someone wants to know something about me they should just ask me. This is really tough because I don't have any secrets that I know of.

9: I'm on facebook but I don't do farms or mafia wars or cafes or aquariums.

10: I really think you are all talented writers and I'm glad you let me hang around with you.

Thats pretty much all I can tell you at this point. If anything new pops up I will probably blog post it on a TMI Thursday. Sorry if this was a let down. I do better with direct questioning. Somebody (Kathryn) should come up with a nice fill in the blanks interview to pass around the blogosphere. Oh and I'm totally keeping the award picture.

Thanks Spot!

I will be tagging some people who are probably way more interesting than me:

1:Cynica
2:Todd X
3:Heather
4:Leese
5:Filmgirl

Loser?

Today I hung out in the shower till my fingertips went all pruny. I know right? It wasn't because I was overly gross or anything, I was trying to remember where I lost my belt.

I sometimes lose things. Maybe it's because, as my lovely wife tells me, I don't pay attention. I'm pretty sure thats not it though. Losing things is pretty universal right? I mean everyone has lost something at some time. Some people will try to pretty up the fact that they lost something by saying "it got misplaced". Totally different dealio. Misplaced is when you will almost certainly find the item in question. Lost is when you pretty much have given up on ever seeing the item again.

So you still think the two words are interchangeable? Try it this way, "I misplaced my virginity". See? Doesn't work. I know it's not a real good example because most of us "gave away" our virginity. There are however several documented cases of people waking up from a drunken after-prom party and being all like, "Hey, where's my virginity?" Mmm good times.

The item I hate losing most in the world is my keys. I can go for days without a wallet or a pocket knife or my watch, but my keys? Ugh. I get physically ill when I can't find my keys. Lovely wife will attest to my lost keys obsession. She actually giggled at me once when I was being a complete baby after having lost my keys.

I'm positive I will never see my belt again. It is lost. If any of you have lost some item and gone all freaky about it I would love to hear your story. Think of it as kind of a support group for people who lose things...does that make us...wait for it....LOSERS? LOL, I don't think so.
Thanks for stopping by! (has anyone seen my keys?)

And the award goes to....

Thank you to Spot at whatpassesforsaneonacrazyday
Sheesh I hope I did this right! She tagged me for this award a couple days ago and I was soooo excited!
So here it goes...



USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.
Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? hand
2. Your hair? grey
3. Your mother? inspiring
4. Your father? genuine
5. Your favorite food? pizza
6. Your dream last night? scary
7. Your favorite drink? beer
8. Your dream/goal? happiness
9. What room are you in? library
10. Your hobby? blog
11. Your fear? Loss
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? camping
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? young
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? sailboat
17. Where did you grow up? kansas
18. Last thing you did? farted
19. What are you wearing? boxers
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? cat
22. Friends? best
23. Your life? busy
24. Your mood? neutral
25. Missing someone? Linda
26. Vehicle? expedition
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? starbucks
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When was the last time you laughed? recently
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
32. Your best friend? Wife
33. One place that I go to over and over? hospital
34. One person who emails me regularly? sister
35. Favorite place to eat? home

For this award I am tagging:

1. Todd X
2. Cynica
3. Kurt
4. Filmgirl
5. BlackLog
6. Leese


Have an "Over the Top" day!!!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Marketing For The Masses...

So I'm watching TV the other night. I know what you must be thinking, "Ol Price sure watches a lot of TV." It's true, and I know it's wrong but when I'm stuck in the hotel for hours there isn't much else to do. (squeaky inner voice...what about the workout room?)
Please stand by while I choke out my inner voice.

So anywhat, there I am watching TV and a toilet paper commercial comes on. It features a mother cartoon bear and her young cub. The cub had apparently just taken a nice dump and mom was checking his asshole to see if he had properly wiped. As it turned out the cub had indeed wiped but there was still a collection of toilet paper dingleberries stuck to his ass. The reason? Sub-standard toilet paper.

Now I ask myself, what marketing genius came up with this? I wish I could have been at the meeting that surely went something like this...

TP Exec: I see our competitors have begun quilting their toilet paper. How are we going to compete with that?

Marketing #1: Well sir we feel you should lower prices and play the bad economy sympathy card.

TP Exec: We are in the business of making money, not losing it! YOU ARE BANISHED!
(at this point a surly looking dwarf jumps out and punches marketing guy in the nuts)

TP Exec: NEXT!

Marketing #2: Sir our plan is to try and copy the quilting process only with a slightly different pattern. Then claim our pattern is more shit absorbent.

TP Exec: Thats the stupidest idea ever. How can one pattern absorb more shit than another...YOU ARE BANISHED!
(again the surly dwarf jumps out and punches marketing guy in the nuts)

TP Exec: NEXT!

Marketing #3: Well sir, (sweating) My team feels that toilet paper dingleberries are a real problem in today's society. We plan to use cartoon bears to show how your product will leave fewer dingleberries while still absorbing all the shit smears.

TP Exec: (dwarf cracks knuckles and smiles) Wait! That just may work. Just before this meeting, my secretary pointed out that while scratching my taint, a toilet paper dingleberry had become lodged under my fingernail. That could have been very embarrasing.
Congratulations boy, you have the account! (holds out hand and marketing guy disgustedly shakes it. Dwarf smells fingers)

And so it came to pass that, a company sells us a product using cartoon bears to play on our fear of dingleberries.
Simply Amazing!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Don't Pet The Turtle!

So my friend Brock has this fascination with turtles, and the turtles may be getting fond of him as well. A little history...
Brock's little girl (who is cool and may grow up to be a ninja) was needing a new pet. The cat was pretty scratchy and irritable so Brock figured a turtle would be a good second choice pet. So began the saga of "Slow Becky". Fitting name for a box turtle I thought. His daughter is smart. Slow Becky had a ton of adventures. She got to take a couple of train rides and stayed overnight in some of our fine railroad approved hotels. She survived the great power outage in the winter of 07/08. But Slow Becky was no spring chicken...err, turtle, she had a lot of miles on her shell and sadly she passed away peacefully one night as she slept.

Brock's house was to remain turtle free for many long months. Last week a new turtle "came" into Brocks life, or rather, into his hand! Apparently he was holding "Slow Becky II" and was presented with a fist full of baby-batter...turtle style! He realized what was happening when he looked down and saw some turtle junk hanging proudly out of the shell and was adequately grossed out. Afterwards, Slow Becky II (which hardly seems an appropriate name given the junk) was looking quite satisfied with himself and like any good man, drifted off to sleep leaving Brock to clean up the gooey mess.
So waddaya think? TMI? Have a nice Thursday!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Meet Hot Singles...

OK I may take this post down in a couple days cause it is soooo mean sounding. I don't even know why I'm publishing it. Yes I do but it is a secret. hee hee!

Dating services. What ever will we think of next. These things are everywhere. My tv is running non-stop commercials, and my junk inbox is full of crap e-mails offering to help me "meet hot singles now!" There is even a TV show now about a dating service that matches women with eligible millionaires. They should call it "Who Want's to Date A Sugar Daddy" Thats right I said sugar daddy. These women don't want just any hard working, honest, loyal, good looking man. They want a millionaire. Pre-requisite of at least $2mil. Really? Simply amazing. Shallow friggin hookers. Thats right I said hookers. I hope they enjoy their handful of cash when they sit on a porch alone watching a sunset or try to keep warm on a cold night knowing their new boyfriend is at that very moment going sack deep in his secretary's ass. Maybe she can call his huge account in the Caymans and see if it laughs at her friggin dry ass jokes. These men say that they are "just too busy" to find love the old fashioned way. Maybe after they make a love connection on the show their new woman hooker can be all sittin alone in his big ass house or feeding his dogs while he is out being too busy. Busy trying to keep her gold diggin ass wrapped in Armani. Sweety pie if you get all your work done I will bring you something extra special, a gift that goes beyond the pre-nup, A scorching case of herpes. Yeah then she will have the good life. I have heard wealthy people say they are afraid that potential dates are only interested in their money, Um, on this show thats a guarantee buddy!
Shame on the people who run these businesses. People will surely do anything to line their pockets. The online dating thing is my favorite scam. People lining up to give some jackass a pile of dough to meet their dream girl. I've been paying attention, the commercials say there are millions of people doing it and yet they always show like the same 5 couples. Hmm 5 out of millions? Wow I'm glad these guy's aren't in charge of landing 747's at OHare. Yeah think about it. Somebody must be paying for all the crap e-mails and the stupid TV commercials. I have a friend who moonlights in the matchmaking business. She says it works but I have to wonder. When I go to a restaurant and try something new it sometimes doesn't look or taste as good as I expected but I eat it anyway. Why? Because I paid for it. I'm not about to be made a fool of. Granted if my food shows up covered in goat hairs I will demand my money back. If my bought date showed up covered in goat hair she is probably a goat. Paying someone to meet eligible goats is at the very least wrong and maybe even illegal. So I will go on my paid for date and do my very best to justify her imperfections. That way I won't feel so ripped off when I get home later and call a real hooker. It's a rip off. Background checks are $39 online so sell that crap somewhere else. And if you feel you need a background check should you really be dating this person anyway? Get over yourselves you are most likely not so friggin important that you need someone else to find you a date. But it does make it awfully nice to have someone else to blame when it doesn't work out huh? You get to tell all your raquetball buddies how you got screwed by some dating service. Maybe they will feel sorry for you and jerk you off after the game. People please stop doing stupid stuff just to make other people rich. It's pissin me off. Really. All of you have a friend who can suggest a date for you, if your friends won't do you that favor guess what, they think you're a piece of shit. If however you have no friends you probably are a piece of shit and you should kill yourself immediately.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Well Done!

I bitch about my job...frequently. The crappy hours the no days off and most of all the boredom. On a recent trip however I decided that I didnt have the worst job ever, or even the most boring one.

Our main line in Kansas City runs past a huge, abandoned building complex. Some of the buildings have missing doors, and most have their windows knocked out. The area is however, for some odd reason unbeknownst to me, patrolled by a security guard. Really? This makes as much sense to me as putting a lock on my garbage can. Anyway the security company has a guy who drives around the area in a little truck all night long, armed only with a spotlight and his razor sharp wit. I call him the "Protector of The Cones!" See there's a little driveway that crosses our tracks and someone has put up 3 traffic cones to prevent vehicles from entering the area. Anyone on foot can enter anywhere, because there is no fence. A good part of the time the security man can be found parked directly behind these cones. Bravely protecting them from, I don't know...cone bandits?

This guy has got to be so bored he wants to kill himself every night. I sometimes wonder if he sits there in his truck staring at the cones, reflecting on his life and his career choices. I guess recently someone else was concerned about his emotional well being because they put one of his cones on our tracks where it fell victim to the steel wheels of a 200 ton locomotive and was mercilessly cut in two!

I figure he immediately realized that his previously impenetrable fortress wall had been breached. This realization almost certainly reminded him that his job as "Protector of The Cones" was important, even vital!

There he was, a lone commander minus one third of his soldiers! His "trio of ultimate security", was suddenly a duet! Being a resourceful leader, he retrieved his now 2 piece cone. He then called upon the "ancient knowlege of security", buried deep in his psyche and quickly formulated a plan. "It's crazy", he thought. "Just crazy enough to work"!
He placed the bottom half of the cone in it's rightful place on the ground then jammed the remainder of it right on top of it! Success!

His cones were back where they belonged. His tiny orange army was standing proud, and his abandoned fortress was once again safe from intruders. All thanks to his quick thinking and years of experience. Perhaps a lesser man would have been afraid. But not he. He has tasted fear and has no appetite for it. He is the "Protector of The Cones"

I imagine at this point he sat back gazing upon his handi-work. 2 full sized cones and one shorter, slightly crooked cone, and gave a sigh of relief.
Fully sated and content, I suppose he smoked a well deserved cigarette and thought to himself, well done security man, well done!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

High Skool

I have a class reunion/get together in a few days. 26 years! (I know right? I still look hot! or not) Class of '83. Some of you probably weren't even born yet but here's what was hot:
Music: ACDC, Van Halen, Pink Floyd, Journey, The Cars...
Food: Taco Bell and Sonic (ok those are still hot)
Cars: Anthing that ran well enough to get you up and down the main drag till the wee hours of the morning. Ahh, the memories.

I thought about getting all buffed up for the big gathering, but realized that would require a shit-load of Bow Flex time and several hundred miles on my treadmill. I'm not that energetic. (which I'm now thinking may be the reason I'm not so fit) The best workout I ever got on that Bow Flex was putting it together. Second best was Brock and I carrying it up the stairs in the garage. The treadmill is up there too, didn't want them to be lonely so I keep them together. The last time I was up there they both stared at me, trying to make me feel guilty. It didn't work.

I don't think my old classmates will mind if I have let myself go a little. Hey by the time you get into your mid 40's you have undoubtedly had some stress. I will be leaving my shirt on though, no need for them to know about the yak inspired back hair thing I got goin on.

My lovely wife is forever telling me I need to, "get in shape". I tell her ROUND is a shape. She thought I needed to color my hair once too, till I reminded her that "grey IS a color". She certainly has a lot to put up with. I should maybe buy her a card. Somebody needs to remind me to head to Hallmark and pick out something that says:
I know i'm sometimes a jackass but lots of people think the stupid shit I say is funny and you are so cool to put up with it and I probably am not going to change cause i'm a guy and we don't like change so enjoy this card and when do we eat?

She has put up with my non-sense for over 18 years. Wow thats better than my parents and my teachers. Well, I'm pretty sure my parents still think I'm cool. My teachers, on the other hand, probably start each day thanking their lucky stars that I graduated and didn't send my kid to their school.

High school, what would I do differently if given another chance? Nothing. I had a blast with some of the coolest people in the world and lived to tell the tale. Why would I want to change that?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Thanks Jim!

Today I will be showing my age.
I really like animals. So today I want to dedicate a post to Jim Fowler of the TV show "Wild Kingdom".

As a kid, I often thought, who has a cooler job than this guy? Travelling around the world seeing new places, and working with all those wonderful animals. Jim's job wasn't all peaches and cream though. His other half, Ol' Marlin Perkins was always making Jim do all the dirty work.

Marlin: "While Jim wrestles the angry water buffalo, I will stay in the safety of the hut. Just look at Jim go! See his bulging muscles, and notice the curvature of his taut, athletic buns!"

OK I made up the buns thing, the rest however is fairly accurate if my memory serves. I wonder if Jim ever got wealthy handling all those animals? He should have. I remember seeing him several times on late night talk shows with various snakes and critters. The host of the show usually got creeped out at some point and asked him to put the offending animals away. But not before the audience had a good laugh.

So Jim, this blogs for you! You have given us a lot of warm fuzzy moments and also some really good laughs. You spent a good part of your life teaching us that animals are to be respected, not feared. For these things we say THANKS!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Dear Mr. President...

Ok readers no comedy today just a rant.

Dear Mr. President of Taco Bell. I am from a smallish city in southeast Kansas and I pretty much grew up on your delicious and affordable grub. T-Bell has been a food group of mine as long as I can remember. I like that you can go in there after a night of drunken debauchery and spend $7 to kill a $40 buzz. As a youngster I liked that your location allowed for my friends and I to turn around while "cruising" downtown. As an adult with a stupid job that keeps me out till the odd hours, I like it that your place is almost always open. Now on to the point of this letter.
Earlier this year tragedy struck our town. You saw fit to close our Taco Bell and rebuild it. You probably thought you could make it better and stronger like the Six Million Dollar Man.

The trouble began with the closing of our store. The closest Taco Bell to us is around 20 miles away and when your drunk and hungry, or late for work...you know. But we pulled together as a community and got through it. There was much texting and tweeting and speculation about when our store was going to reopen. There were too many facebook threads to count about what we were going to order and how much we were going to enjoy it.

Well the big day finally came, the store was opened. Much to my dismay I was out of town and so I missed the gloriously long drive-thru lines and the elbow to elbow dining room rush.
Upon my return to town I did get an opportunity to visit my old dear friend the Bell. Disappointment is putting it mildly.

Lets start with the parking lot. I pulled in and waited behind some drive-thru traffic to get into a parking spot. Then I waded back thru that traffic to head inside. Wow did you guys ever screw that up!
The lobby and front counter area looks really cool and updated, but it EB-SO-LUTELY will not flow.
You stand in a loosly formed line to get to point "A" and order your food. Then you have to go thru a bunch of people to get to the beverage station at point "C". With drinks in hand you navigate the mosh pit back to point "B" to collect your food, then scramble exactly backwards with drinks and food in hand to point "D" for sauces and napkins. After you have completed these difficult manuevers, you can assume the role of an offensive lineman and bash through the melee towards the same door you came in only minutes before. At last back in the parking lot food and drinks in hand, you dodge the drunken masses still waiting in the drive-through line and make it (hopefully) safely back to your car. As soon as the Xanax starts to work it's glorious magic, you can begin the task of backing out of the parking spot, narrowly avoiding the drive-thru line, and out of the parking lot.

Mr. President of Taco Bell I recommend 3 things.
First: Read this blog post.
Second: Call your design team and ask them to come to your office for a visit. (They will surely think you are giving them a sweet raise or pat on the back.)
Third and most important: FIRE THEM ALL and send their paychecks to me for alerting you to their incompetence.
Sir, I am confident you will feel better after doing these things.
I will continue to enjoy your products as long as the drive thru line isn't too long. I will not be going back inside your store until the old reliable design is reinstated. If I feel the line at your drive thru is too long I will be headed for Hardees or Sonic. I like their food too so it makes me no nevermind.
Thank You and Have a lovely day.
Sincerely,
Mark Price

Thursday, October 15, 2009

TMI Thursday. Oh My

When I was 18 years old it was legal for me to drink beer in my state. By state I mean geographically not my mental state. I was very glad of this because I really like beer. One night some friends and I were doing our usual mon./tue./wed./thur./fri./sat./ thing at a local bar. Just hanging out having a few beers (few is a relative term) and contemplating the irreparable damage that we were doing to our livers and brain cells.
Being from the midwest I was no stranger to having a big nasty wad of chewing tobacco in my mouth pretty much all the time.(Really? Who said EEEeewwww? So, it's safe to assume that you have never had anything questionable inside your mouth? thats what I thought.) For this reason a lot of us young men carried 2 beer bottles. One was for drinking from and the other was for spitting into. So after we had solved pretty much all the worlds problems I reached for my drinking beer and had a refreshing swig of ...tobacco juice! Lemme tell you, thats one mistake you don't want to make twice. I quickly decided that things could only get worse if I alerted my friends to my mistake as they would have undoubtedly given me some hideous nickname that I would still be trying to shake 25 yrs later. I calmly set the bottle down and acted as if nothing had happened. A couple of seconds later the guy to my right picked up his spitting bottle and made a nice deposit into it. Thats when I realized it was the same bottle I had just set down. TMI? Sorry, and have a nice Thursday!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Bad Boys, Bad Boys...

I realize it might totally ruin the shows, but what if the bad guys on reality cop shows just gave up? Let's face it, they aren't getting away. Sure they run and they hide but in the end the police always prevail. They always find the ones hiding in the attic, in the bushes, and on the roof of the house. They also always find the guns and the dope. I wonder if its time for a new kind of show. One where the bad guys are a little less energetic and have seen other cop shows.... Here's the trailer for this years newest police drama...

Car gets pulled over, driver hops out and violently throws himself to the ground. Pretty good so far. He then begins yelling out to police still climbing out of their cars, "This car is stolen and the trunk is full of cocaine! I shot 3 people last week with the stolen pistol in the glove compartment and I have multiple outstanding arrest warrants. The name on my drivers license is fake and you can find 9 overdue library books hidden in my basement meth lab, under a box of grenades! Shoot me now!"

But they won't shoot him. They never do. These officers on tv will run 7 blocks, crash through bushes, climb fences and dodge traffic, all while wearing slippery shoes and like 80 pounds of vest and gear.

I would most likely just shoot. I'm not a runner.

I think that if the bad guys really wanted to escape they would jump into a lake or river and swim away at a leisurely pace. There's no rush cause I promise those officers aren't gettin in the water wearing all that heavy equipment. They would sink like a rock.

I wonder if I could make a living teaching criminals to swim? Hmm. Or maybe selling life jackets to policemen. Thats all for now!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sweet Ride!

My first car was a 1963 Ford pickup. Ol' blue, Hoop-de-ville, The Blessed Mother of Acceleration! It was a pukey bluish color, had an AM radio that didn't work, and retreads for tires. It was 6 cylinders of pure fury with a tricky 3 speed column shift assuring mind bending acceleration and asphalt buckling torque. I really loved that truck. I would go anywhere and do anything in it.

I remember one time my brakes had completely failed but in my 16 yr. old brain I thought it would still be ok to drive this death trap to school. I know, stupid right? (16 yr old thinking has been known to be a little skewed.) I figured if I left a little early to beat the traffic and stayed a little late I should be fine, and I would have a good story to share with my friends. My plan worked brilliantly in the morning. I was among the first people at school, you remember them, the smart people who came early to study or do some extra credit stuff. You know, the nerdy ones who are cleaning our teeth, giving our kids shots, and raping us in our divorces now. Yeah those kids!
I clearly should have studied the after school traffic patterns more thoroughly before concocting my plan for greatness in a time of no brakes. People apparently were in no hurry to leave school. There were cars freakin everywhere, in the morning people just pretty much showed up in a clump. They leave one by one in their own sweet time. SHEESH PEOPLE I DON"T HAVE ALL DAY!
I decided to chance it and smacked a car. Well really just bumped it. In a way it was funny cause the girl in it was lookin at me like..."are you gonna stop?" And I was lookin at her thinking "Dude, you really should move cause I got eb-so-lutely no brakes". Her folks were really cool about the "accident". Ok so I forgot to mention that I had previous knowlege of the no-brakes thing.
Another time a friend and I decided it would be super cool to drive my truck with our feet on the dash. We cranked up the idle so she would run without pushin the gas and off we went. About 100 yards later we hit a speed bump to fast on our way out of the school parking lot and kicked out my windshield. All of a sudden the joke was on us. Since the glass didn't break we stuck it in the back of the truck and continued on our merry way. For the record I do not recommend driving without your windshield. It totally shields you from the wind. (and bugs) Who'd a thunk it? We eventually made it to his house, found some bathroom caulk and did a fine job re-fitting the windshield.
I had some really good times in that old truck. If any of you have a first car story I would soooo like to hear it. Thanks for stopping by!

Floats Like A Butterfly...

Today I'm thinking about luck. Who's lucky? Who's unlucky? What does it even mean to be "lucky"? I don't think it is a set in stone thing like, this happened so...pow... you're lucky. No I think maybe there are lucky events in ones life.

Take my buddy Ken for example. Ken likes to gamble at the casinos and he wins loot a good part of the time...thats lucky. I know though, that last summer his truck was broke down for a time. Kind of unlucky. Me, I always lose dough at the casino, but I have a really pretty wife to offset my pain. So I'm lucky that way. I'm not sure what the odds are for any given event, I mean, what kind of a number describes "random"? I don't know.

I do know that yesterday at Quik Trip, Ken won $100 on a $5 scratch ticket. Meanwhile, I was outside pumping gas and getting stung by a bee. So I called my pretty wife to tell her about it (whine like a little girl) and she was very supportive and encouraging. She told me I was probably stung due to the fact that I am sweet, like a beautiful flower. RIGHT, THANKS WIFE!

So there I sat pondering my sweetness when something new occured to me prompting my second call to the wife. "Honey", says I, "what if I am allergic to bees?" "No way" she told me, "you wouldn't be able to call me cause you would be all gasping for air and swelling up by now." GREAT I thought. So began my wait for an agonizing, choking, swelled up death.

5 minutes later I noticed I was still breathing so I decided to call my friend Brock. "Hey, what should I do? I got stung by a bee." His reply?..."Get someone to suck out the poison."

I just hung up. I am not going to waste my last few minutes on earth talking to some guy who can't tell rattlesnakes from honeybees!

So there I sat waiting, and wondering...AM I LUCKY?
Turns out I guess I am lucky. I didn't keel over from my bee sting, however it would have been a lot easier and less painful to find that out by winning $100.

Monday, October 12, 2009

What Grinds My Gears vol.2 (bonus blog)

Hey something new for the "what grinds my gears" series.
It really grinds my gears when a hospital employee walks 22 feet past the escalator to get on the elevator to ride up to the first floor. Seriously? You're going to screw everyone else on this elevator because you don't want to take the escalator? What, are you afraid the escalator may break down and leave your dumb ass stranded for a few hours? WHY? WHY? WHY?!
The elevator is the only means of travel from the ground floor to floors 2 thru 6. The escalator only goes to the first floor. The elevator doors open on floor 1 next to...wait for it...the top of the friggin escalator!! I know right?! Meanwhile I along with several other people stand for an extra 20-30 seconds on the elevator cause Mr. Jackass didn't want to ride the escalator. Whats an extra 20-30 seconds you may ask. Well nothing unless you're,
A: holding a blazing hot cup of coffee, or
B: trying to hold in a fart, or
C: trying not to pee in your pants, or
D: ALL OF THE ABOVE
I guess my point is, why create an unnecessary delay for the rest of the world?
Back to you Tom.

I Luv My Job vol.2

Blogbuds, you may all relax. I seem to be over my recent bout of poop-blog-itis. (for now)
Ok, as mentioned before I work for a railroad. As such, part of my job requires me to sometimes ride in a "railroad road cab". Basically this is a sit down, strap in, and hang the f*** on, process. "Road cabs" are vehicles that travel from terminal to terminal and all points in between, hauling us low-life train crews around. The drivers of these cabs are mostly coffee and No-Doze addicts who look like they haven't seen a bed since 1987. I have to say it is terrifying to look over at the speedo on a foggy night and see the needle bent towards the 85 mph line while your driver happily snoozes away in his luxury suite at the Sleepytown Motel. It's a real hoot! There's something special about grabbing the wheel to avoid hiway guard rails and oncoming traffic. Even more special is when the driver doesn't wake up as you wrench the wheel from his grasp. Oh yeah, let the good times roll! I caught myself wondering the other night, how in the world is that driver going to make it 130 miles back home with no one to help him steer? Then it occurred to me that he would probably be fine, after all he just had a nap on the way here!
I had a driver thank me once for "saving his life". "Don't be a moron", I said. "I was saving my life. Now please clean the ice off this windshield and SLOW DOWN!!"
I love this job!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Good Friends?

I have an old victorian home. I affectionately (or not) refer to it as the "money pit". Yeah, like the movie. Thats a whole other blog though. I have been slaving away at a remodel of said house for like...... 2 1/2 years now. One of the first improvements we made was to put a bathroom downstairs. Great, now I don't have to do the pee-pee dance up the stairs cause I "procrastinated". (hi kathryn!) Nope, now I can wait till I just about start to dribble, then run for it! Anyway, the toilet that I installed in the downstairs bathroom is, well, kind of smallish. Apparently this tiny toilet is a source of entertainment for my friends. See I have a couple of friends who are, for lack of a better phrase...poop freaks! They are way too interested in the things that come out of their hineys. So interested in fact that they feel it is appropriate to take pictures of their doo-doo and message the pics to all their buddies. Here's the deal, my tiny toilet makes their ka-ka look enormous. I'm not a hunter but I liken this big-dung thing to a trophy deer. Trophy poo, and a picture to prove it. Its gotten so bad that I have to be on the lookout for these guy's. At first I thought it may be just crazy luck that these guys were having urges at the same time they showed up at the house. Then it occurred to me, one guy drove 9 miles to get here, and the other guy drove 24 miles to get here. This is no accident, it's a planned event. First degree poop-icide, and these cats are GUILTY!
People, don't let this happen to you. Replace any small or midsized toilets in your home with big, bold, industrial sized thrones. Also, demand that guests check their cell phones at the door. Really nobody wants to talk to you while you are doing your business anyway. I know this cause people have asked me not to call them while I'm on the pot. (the accoustics in a bathroom are weird, this accounts for all of us thinking we can sing really well while showering) My blackberry has a really sensitive speakerphone mic, so when I'm in there...they know! Anyway have a wonderful day, and take a little time to think about who your friends are and why they are special to you. Thanks for stopping by!!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

I apologize in advance for this post. I know most of my followers are ladies so they won't have a good understanding of this stuff. If you are easily offended you,
A; probably should throw out your computer. and,
B; shouldn't have checked the "i understand and wish to continue" box.
Maybe they will know of some guy's that they could point towards my blog. My buddy was talking to me about a cartoon we watch and the main character did a piece on the news called "you know what really grinds my gears", and a blog post was born.

I hate it when I sit on my nuts. It is incredibly painful and its one of those things you never see coming. If you trip on something and you see you are about to fall, you kind of mentally prepare for the impact. Your body sort of tenses up and you go all smushy faced like you're really constipated and trying to poop. I bet if you stop frame photographed people right before they smashed into the ground you would swear they were pooping. Anyway the "nutsmash" is different. You don't see it coming. You open your car door, climb inside, and sit down...sheeeeit!! Guys know what I'm talking about. There you are thinking that your day is going along fairly well and WHAM! good day gone bad. Hopefully you are alone in the car when this happens, because it hurts so bad you find out you can't even cuss right. If you're with someone you want it to be another guy cause he will understand and sympathize. He will probably say "Ssssssss, Oooooo dude I hate that". On the other hand if it is your wife, she absolutely will not sympathize and will probably giggle a little. Thats what my wife does.
Another thing that us guys hate is when our nutsack sticks to our thigh. It comes from wearing boxers in the summertime, or going commando. I know. Heres a little clue ladies, when you see us doing a kind of little funky looking dance, there's a chance we are trying to shake something loose from our thigh. Be happy we arent sticking our hand into our pants and physically making an adjustment. Past experience tells me that little innocent move can get you banned from Wal-Mart. (for the record, I was a little preoccupied and didn't notice I was in the ladies undergarment section)

I know, not my normal blog content but LiLu said it's TMI Thursday so I figured it would be ok just this once. Sorry if I have offended anyone. I should be back to my old self in a couple hours.
Back to you Tom.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Well Written?

WOW, Did I just do that? Here's the thing, I just read someones blog post and commented. The crazy part is, I used the words...wait for it...."well written". I know right? Immediately after publishing the comment my inner/other me asked "Who the F*** do you think you are?" I had no answer for myself. I don't know where I get off thinking I know what is or isn't well written. I did enjoy the posts literary components, I thought the writer presented her ideas really well and it didn't leave me wondering what she was talking about. Does that qualify as well written? How do I know? I'm just some guy who writes a blog to keep from driving his wife and friends crazy with his random blathering on about who-knows-what. If in fact it is a well written piece, good for the writer!
I guess my point is that if I slip again and use the phrase "well written" in any of my comments about your posts, please take it as a compliment. Thats how it was intended.
I just get a little tired of saying "Oh that was good" it sounds so freaking generic. I don't think it always conveys my thoughts on the piece. And I feel weird if I hog up like a half a page leaving a way-too-in-depth comment. Maybe that is something I will work on in my writing. Maybe I will stop blogging altogether and just comment. Maybe I could start a new blog that is just full of comments, and my readers could try to guess whose blog post I was commenting on. Nah, too confusing. I will just keep blathering on and see what comes out. Now I shall hold my chin inquisitively, and wonder what I have done with my monacle, and my turn of the century looking Sherlock Holmes pipe.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Research

Daytime TV. Who's watching this stuff? I wanted to try to be more like a real writer so I asked my friend Mary what real writers do to prepare. She said I should research my subject, then write something. So, thats what I did! OK actually I vegged out on the couch for a whole day watching tv.
First up was Maury. Are all his shows titled "Are you my baby's daddy?" Really! So theres a chick on there who had been on the show a number of times before and once again Maury tells some random guy, "You are Not the father!!" and the guy hops happily around the stage for awhile and the girl runs off to the "backstage hysterical-crying room". By now the producers have spent thousands of dollars on plane tickets, and DNA tests flying half of the guy's who live in this girls hometown to his show only to find out none of them is the father. She must feel like such a whore, no wonder she is crying. If she had as many dicks sticking out of her as she's had stuck in her she would look like a porcupine!(a crazy sex toy version of a porcupine)
So I moved on to another channel to watch the white knuckled suspense of daytime court shows. Is anyone not a tv judge? We have a bunch to choose from but they all do pretty much the same show. The networks should spice it up a little. Judge Timmy The Transvestite would be funny, or maybe conjoined twin judges who always rule differently and beat the shit out of each other with their gavels! That would be entertaining.
So I moved on and hit the mother of all daytime tv shows. Jerry Springer! I know right? The guy is awesome and never lets America forget that even gap-toothed, cracked out, less-than-sexy people need love too! Granted a bunch of them find it at family reunions. Who cares though as long as it makes good tv. Scripted? I certainly hope so. His show also proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are a number of women out there who will show their boobs on tv for 34 cents worth of beads. I love this country!
I don't think we can blame the hosts though, or even the guests. Nope we need to blame the advertisers. If no big corporations advertised on these shows the shows would disappear. So, way to go brand X dishwashing liquid and brand Y super strength trash bags, you are giving the 6,000,000 unemployed people in this country something to do at home all day. Maybe someday, when they're working again they will return the favor and buy your products. (I wonder what it would cost me to advertise my blog on tv?)

Friday, October 2, 2009

Light It Up

I have been turning lights off and on all week. I know that sounds weird but I am looking for a light that makes noise. Isn't it strange that all the sci-fi movies of yester-year have lights that make noise? Really, every time the alien spacecraft is floating around, the lights on it make a throbbing, light-noise. Even when the humans go onboard the spacecraft the inside lights make the same creepy noise. Light sabers...yep they make noise too. Um, Mr. Spielberg, yes...uh, the sabers are made of light. Are we absolutely certain we want them to make a noise? Oh, ok you're the boss!
My guess is he did it because thats what all the other sci-fi movies did. Think about it, he is a little kid at the movies thinking, Wow light that makes noise is sooooo cool! Nearly all the episodes of the twilight zone had noise-making light. And Star Trek? Sheesh, even the sparkle in Captain Kirk's eyes made a noise. Lasers, tasers, and phasers, all that crap had noisy light beams.

Not one light have I found that makes a noise. White light is quiet, blue light is quiet, and green light is quiet. Heck I even went downtown to see if red light made any noise. I heard some noises there allright, but I don't think any of the noises were coming directly from the light. Where is this mystery loud light from the movies of my youth? I may never know.