Ok here it goes. This will be a sort of depressing post about feelings and stuff but I seem to have lost my funny somewhere in the last few months and maybe it is hiding under some not so funny stuff that I need to write and get out of my head. If you get bummed out easily just skip to the comments and type "Hi Mark long time no see, glad you are back."
My wife and I lost our son recently to a very rare and horrible disease. I don't know why in the movies they make it seem like being at someones bedside when they die is so great. It is not great. I watched a very close friend die a few years ago. I was sitting next to him, holding his hand and listening to music as he took his last breaths. I didn't like it one bit. I often think of Mikey and that last day. It sucks that the most vivid recollection I have of my friend is him dying. I have other great memories of our good times, but at the first mention of his name I am back in his living room watching and listening. It sucks.
I was sitting next to my son Jacob, holding his hand, and telling him how proud he had made me when he passed away on January 11 of this year. It was horrible to watch someone whom I loved so deeply and completely take his final breaths and slip away from me forever. More horrible is the fact that I revisit that morning a hundred times a day now. I have to watch my son die over and over again and it sucks the very life out of me. I see the nurse listening to his heartbeat and telling me that it was racing at over 300 bpm and she couldn't count that fast. I hear her telling me that it won't be long now. I feel her grasping my hand as we prayed for my son to go peacefully and fearlessly home. I see the doctors coming into Jakes room to say their final goodbyes. I see the tears as they openly weep at the loss of someone so young and full of promise. I see his nurses, his Angels.
I see and feel my wife next to me, her heart broken. There are no words to console her. Like myself, her pain and sense of loss is complete.
I told myself that at least we were there with him when he passed. I wouldn't want it any other way but it is really hard to be in that moment every day.
The wound is as fresh today as it was that day. I suppose it will always be there, threatening to open up and spill this sadness out.
I am somewhat comforted knowing that Jacob is in a better place now. I know that God has big plans for this young man. I know that one day we will be together again and there will be no pain or sadness, only joy and celebration. I hope I don't have to wait too long.
Jacob enjoyed this blog. He loved to laugh and we did. When his eyesight failed I would read to him from my blog and from my friends blogs as well. It was a special time for he and I. Our senses of humor were very similar even if Mom didn't get it sometimes.
I didn't want to be writing a depressing post but I need to try to get my funny back just in case they have internet access in Heaven.
I love you Jake!
From One Mother, to Another
1 year ago
14 comments:
Mark, do what you have to do. Everything must be so raw just now. I hope that by pouring out your thoughts, it can help you in some small way, rather than bottling everything up. We're here to listen. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Cindy in your time of grief. Love to you both, Heather.
The death of someone close will affect you and since the hurt is still fresh it’s not surprising that you are struggling to find your funny at the moment. As much as I like to laugh and joke my way through life there are times when it just doesn’t happen. I’m sure in time as the pain fades try to remember that although your time with your son was pitifully brief you will have been left with some great memories.
If it is a sense of guilt that you feel because why should you be laughing when he’s not hear ask yourself would he want you to sad or would he want you to embrace life and live it for him as well as yourself….
Have just found your blog and I'm so sorry to have come to you at such a terrible time in your life. This wasn't a depressing post though, it was one so full of love and loss that it was heartwarming and heartbreaking to read. It will take a long time to recover - don't push yourself in any direction. Just do what and write what comes naturally.
He'll always be with you.
My thoughts are with you and your wife - take good care of you x
There is simply nothing I could say that would make so much as a ripple in the surface of what you are experiencing.
I have lost my own funny and honestly, I feel ashamed of myself just at the moment for being so bloody stupid and weak in the face of such trivial woes as my own.
What I know about grief is that it has a life of its own and you have to let it take its course - all the while trying not to lose yourself, or the life you are left to live, inside of it.
Your funny will float back up to the top ... you are a super person who had an extraordinary child that was taken entirely too soon... I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, but I know you will find your way through ... and we'll all be waiting on the other side for you when you do. (Some of us are even willing to come in there after you if you will let us)
If venting these thoughts and feelings into the universe helps you to do that - we are all here (I know I am speaking completely unauthorized here - but I'm certain it is true) to listen.
Plus - I have no doubt there is internet access in Heaven ... it's wireless and therefore a little slower, so no pics, K? But it's there.
Love to you.
D
My grandmother died when I was 13. She had breast cancer and my father and I had come back from England (he got a red cross leave from the AF) to take care of her. We had three weeks with her before she passed. The last day she was only lucid briefly. Other times she talk about things from the past. I lay beside her in her hospital bed listening and keeping up a running dialogue. I will never forget that night. It's been twenty seven years. Eventually that memory faded and it's not the first one that comes to mind anymore when I think of my grandma. Now I see her teaching me to bake and sew.
I honestly can't even imagine the pain of losing your child. I'm pretty sure it would break me. So in my book, the fact that you're writing and reading and commenting again mean you're strong. You're attempting to pick those pieces up and move on.
You write about whatever you need to Mark. Friends aren't just here for the funny, we're here because we care about the person behind the blog. And we don't mind sharing tears if that's what helps you.
Big hugs to you and Cindy,
♥Spot
PS~ you might want to check out Beyond Breathing. There's a link to it on my page. Margarete lost her daughter Jena to CF. She is inspiring. And she's very open about how tough it's been.
It absolutely, positively SUCKS. That's just the reality of it. But eventually, you'll find that your memories of Jake have expanded to include wonderful moments BEFORE the hospital...BEFORE the devastation.
It takes time...but it WILL happen.
I'm very happy you've written some, my friend. Your presence in Blogville was missed. Your funny's in there...Jake'll help you get it out when you're ready.
Hugs from SF, bro. Keep writing, okay?
Thought I'd stop by and give you a hug!
it's posts like these that make other problems so trivial...
write it off your chest, allow yourself to share your feelings so that just like the sadness, pain, and struggle your funny, witty side can appear again.
it takes water and sunshine to grow. just sunshine will burn the flower. only water will drown it. allow yourself to find the balance you need.
franzi
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Mark, Keep writing no matter what you are feeling at the time! I am a true believer that writing things down and talking out loud about things helps your brain process and your heart to heal. I pray that your pain lessens with every passing moment and that your crazy sense of humor returns! Margaret
You'll get your funny back. I miss you and Cindy, and I miss your posts, too. Please keep in touch, when you can. I hope to be back between now and September. ;) <3
Found you from Danica's blog.
I can hardly imagine the pain you are enduring.
I can only say that I agree that watching someone die is so conflicting.
I watched my mother-in-law die a few years ago and I think it destroyed a part of my soul forever---although my husband says over and over how he is so thankful that he was able to be there with her.
Then I lost my dad to a drowning accident a year ago and what you said about always hearing, seeing, smelling....it is just so very true.
There are some things that can take me back to that moment in an instant----like it was just 10 seconds ago.
I am ticked off about death---truth be told. I reject it in every way I can because I just don't get why good, innocent people are taken, and why good innocent people are left to try and finish out this life with the loss.
it is wonderful that you have such a strong faith. Somewhere along the way...I lost sight of mine.
Thanks for sharing your story. I am sure it will help others with their own journey toward healing.
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