January 1, 2010. Happy new year indeed. I have been at the hospital for a few days now and I find myself looking inward more and more. I struggle to express myself outwardly and I am not sure why. My world has pretty much gone gray... not in a particularly bad way but certainly not good either. I am numb to feeling anything at times and I expect it is a survival mechanism passed down through evolution. I am at times overwhelmed with sadness or fear, and other times I feel like I am close to the edge of happiness or relief but will not let myself go to that place for fear of the return to my dark place. The road to this level of despair is a rocky one to be sure and is not well tolerated. I started down this road some long months ago and I dont want to risk making the journey again so I remain where I am. To feel truly happy and relieved might only prove to be a letdown. The trip was too hard, I can't risk trying to start again. So for now I stand in between, waiting. I hope the wait isn't too long but I know that I will wait as long as it takes. I believe that a person needs to be very wary of accidentally losing onesself in a world devoid of colors and sounds. I feel empty at times and looking now at the bare trees and the cold ground I wonder if spring will come for me. Don't take too long. The prayers sometimes feel inadequate. What am I to do?