Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Ahh Spring

So who doesn't love spring? The season, not the metal swirly things in your seat cushions.

My job demands that I spend an abnormal amount of time in hotel I am not a hooker. So today, after riding a stupid train all night, I checked into my hotel at around 1pm, ate some delicious lasagne, and got ready for some much needed rest.

The day was lovely and the afternoon sunshine was making my room a little warm so I cranked up the air conditioner and off to sleep I went. At around 5:30 this afternoon I woke up in my sauna-room, soaked with sweat and dehydrated nearly to the point of delerium. WTF? My room AC had crapped out nearly killing me from heat stroke. Temp in my room? a balmy 85 degrees...and climbing. I needed a plan, and fast. I bitched to no one in particular for like 2 hours, made a few phone calls, and began to formulate a plan.

I am unsure what works better to cool off... a hot shower that makes the room seem cooler, or a cool shower that makes me feel cooler. I went for the hot shower and opened up my room window to allow in some early evening air. My plan worked, my room seems cooler. The plan isn't without it's problems though. There is a major hiway about 200 yards away from my room, it is loud and irritating...but the main reason I cant get back to sleep are the baby mosquito's that came in the open window. Ahhh springtime! All I need now is a good crop of spiders to eat the mosquitos.

Sorry I haven't written in awhile, I haven't had much to bitch about lately. Im off to enjoy some of my bleeps blog posts now as I have been missing them a lot. Have a great evening all.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Wheres My Funny?

Ok here it goes. This will be a sort of depressing post about feelings and stuff but I seem to have lost my funny somewhere in the last few months and maybe it is hiding under some not so funny stuff that I need to write and get out of my head. If you get bummed out easily just skip to the comments and type "Hi Mark long time no see, glad you are back."

My wife and I lost our son recently to a very rare and horrible disease. I don't know why in the movies they make it seem like being at someones bedside when they die is so great. It is not great. I watched a very close friend die a few years ago. I was sitting next to him, holding his hand and listening to music as he took his last breaths. I didn't like it one bit. I often think of Mikey and that last day. It sucks that the most vivid recollection I have of my friend is him dying. I have other great memories of our good times, but at the first mention of his name I am back in his living room watching and listening. It sucks.

I was sitting next to my son Jacob, holding his hand, and telling him how proud he had made me when he passed away on January 11 of this year. It was horrible to watch someone whom I loved so deeply and completely take his final breaths and slip away from me forever. More horrible is the fact that I revisit that morning a hundred times a day now. I have to watch my son die over and over again and it sucks the very life out of me. I see the nurse listening to his heartbeat and telling me that it was racing at over 300 bpm and she couldn't count that fast. I hear her telling me that it won't be long now. I feel her grasping my hand as we prayed for my son to go peacefully and fearlessly home. I see the doctors coming into Jakes room to say their final goodbyes. I see the tears as they openly weep at the loss of someone so young and full of promise. I see his nurses, his Angels.

I see and feel my wife next to me, her heart broken. There are no words to console her. Like myself, her pain and sense of loss is complete.

I told myself that at least we were there with him when he passed. I wouldn't want it any other way but it is really hard to be in that moment every day.

The wound is as fresh today as it was that day. I suppose it will always be there, threatening to open up and spill this sadness out.

I am somewhat comforted knowing that Jacob is in a better place now. I know that God has big plans for this young man. I know that one day we will be together again and there will be no pain or sadness, only joy and celebration. I hope I don't have to wait too long.

Jacob enjoyed this blog. He loved to laugh and we did. When his eyesight failed I would read to him from my blog and from my friends blogs as well. It was a special time for he and I. Our senses of humor were very similar even if Mom didn't get it sometimes.

I didn't want to be writing a depressing post but I need to try to get my funny back just in case they have internet access in Heaven.

I love you Jake!