I Luv My Job!

A little history. I am a railroad conductor. A job is a job I guess and until my writing career takes off, this is what I do. Normally I have very few complaints. Ok, that's a lie. Don't get the wrong idea, I feel very fortunate to even have a job in this crazy economy. Lots of folks are out there looking for jobs, some even in my line of work. It's true, there are people lining up and paying serious money to go to railroad school. I get it that people need jobs, but to pay out cash to possibly get one? Really?
I have had tons of people ask me if they could get a job where I work. Sure, I tell them,but first let me give you a little heads up about what I do. The good stuff as well as the bad.

Bad news... There are no weekends, no holidays, no schedules, and no time clocks. Thats right. No Fridays at 5 pm, no Fourth of July, no Thanksgiving, no Christmas, and no New Years eve. The good news is there are also no Mondays and none of the problems associated with heading back to work after a long relaxing holiday break.
We do get vacations, thats good news. However the vacations are chosen according to seniority. For the first few years of your employment you will most likely be taking your vacation in January or February. If you enjoy cold, crappy weather this is good news. If, however you are one of the crazies who enjoys the springtime, summer, or fall weather...too bad.
Most people, with normal jobs, tell me they have an irritating boss constantly looking over their shoulder. Good news, our bosses never look over our shoulders. They hide in the weeds, setting traps and trying to fire us for not following the new rule they just made up yesterday.

So what is the job like? In a word...boring. If someone wants to experience it without coughing up the $6000 for 6 weeks of school, I tell them to get up at 2am and go sit in their bathroom for about 10 hours. No tv, no newspaper, no phone, and no sleeping. Then leave the bathroom and check into a hotel to sleep for awhile. You will remain in the hotel for an indeterminate amount of time. (I spend more time on my back in hotels than a $20 hooker!) Could be anywhere from 10 hours (the minimum), to my all time longest stay of 53 hours. Note, the last 18 hours of my 53 hour stay were on Christmas eve, sorry kids! Oh, you like staying in hotels? Cool, call me when you spend 200+ nights a year in one.
At some point, let's say 7;30 the next morning you can return to your bathroom for another 10 hour stay. Could this be any more fun?

The pay? Oh it's pretty good. It has to be. I spend in the neighborhood of $400 a month eating fast food and Quik Trip hot dogs. And then there's my cell bill, clothes for winter and summer, vitamins (thanks to the gourmet meals), health insurance, union dues, and retirement. And don't forget about the upkeep on a house I own, but never live in, and cars I don't drive much. One for me, one for my wife, and one for our son. See, we all need separate vehicles because we are never together.

It's fairly easy work. In fact it's the easiest job I ever had. Really. Most of the time I just sit and look out the window. When I'm not sitting I hop down and take off hiking a 6000+ foot train on uneven, loose, ankle-twisting gravel strewn with sticks, mud, glass, old spikes and pieces of steel rail. There are living obstacles as well. Snakes, possums, and rats. Hobos sneaking up on me to bum a smoke at 3 am. and pissed off motorists who want to know why my train is,
A: blocking their preferred route to work, or,
B: blocking their preferred route home from the bar. (depending on the time of day.)

Riding in a locomotive is something many little boys dream of doing. I guess I am living the dream. Bad news, locomotives have steel wheels that roll on steel rail so it is neither smooth nor quiet. And they aren't always so fresh smelling either.
A lot of people don't know that we have toilet facilities on our engines. Good news, most every railroad yard has a dump station and a crew to clean and maintain those toilets. Bad news, the crews usually don't have time for that so called non-essential portion of their job. What we get after a couple of weeks of sitting in the hot sun is something I call eau-du-funk! No big deal though, remember it's only for 10 hours or so. Hey if it gets too bad you can file a grievance with your union rep. He will help you fill out a penalty time slip, ensuring that you are compensated for your unwarranted misery. Then all you have to do is sit and wait, for a monkey to fly out of your ass eating a cheese sandwich. (He hands out the penalty checks.)

If you still think the job is for you, come on out and I will teach you everything I know. Maybe we will even have some fun doing it. If not, you should stay in school, study hard and hope the recession ends soon. Either way, remember, the next time you are blocked by a train try not to be angry with me. I would really much rather be rolling down the rails bored to death, contemplating my next blogger post.
Uh-oh there's the phone. Time for another run!