Saturday, January 2, 2010

January 1, 2010. Happy new year indeed. I have been at the hospital for a few days now and I find myself looking inward more and more. I struggle to express myself outwardly and I am not sure why. My world has pretty much gone gray... not in a particularly bad way but certainly not good either. I am numb to feeling anything at times and I expect it is a survival mechanism passed down through evolution. I am at times overwhelmed with sadness or fear, and other times I feel like I am close to the edge of happiness or relief but will not let myself go to that place for fear of the return to my dark place. The road to this level of despair is a rocky one to be sure and is not well tolerated. I started down this road some long months ago and I dont want to risk making the journey again so I remain where I am. To feel truly happy and relieved might only prove to be a letdown. The trip was too hard, I can't risk trying to start again. So for now I stand in between, waiting. I hope the wait isn't too long but I know that I will wait as long as it takes. I believe that a person needs to be very wary of accidentally losing onesself in a world devoid of colors and sounds. I feel empty at times and looking now at the bare trees and the cold ground I wonder if spring will come for me. Don't take too long. The prayers sometimes feel inadequate. What am I to do?

3 comments:

Danica-Dragonfly said...

Oh Mark, my friend ... my bloggy bro. You are a truly beautiful soul and the hardships you have encountered in these last eternal months are something I can't even visit ... I can't allow myself to go there. I won't say I know how you feel because I don't and wouldn't assume to... but I have experienced being completely lost ... to that, I can speak.

It is beyond my power over words to express to you how much I hope and pray that your son will heal and you can be at home as a family again. I only wish I could help in some way.

Spring will come to you, Mark ... Believe.

Your friend, Dani

Spot said...

Ah Mark. I understand the fear of getting your hopes up only to have the rug pulled out from under your feet. I think sometimes it's easier just to hibernate in the gray place. But don't let it become your permanent dwelling place. Try to take joy in at least some of the little things. Keep laughing, it keeps the darkness at a more manageable distance.

My heart goes out to you and lovely wife. I fervently hope that things look up soon and your son does well. Just remember...we're always here for you.

♥Spot

kathryn said...

Oh, Mark....I don't know! I wish I had some magic answer that would help it to make some kind of sense...there's no sense to this, dammit!

I think you're on autopilot...you're being a dad and a husband and you're trying to be strong and hold it together....

I'm so sorry your all going through so very, very much...