Thursday, January 30, 2014


If you have spent very much time in my presence you are aware of my squirrel issues. Love them, hate them, tastes like chicken....etc. My friend Willy calls them "tree-bacon".

First the squirrel pros:

1: Squirrels are cute. Don't lie, they are very cute with their furry selves running around acting crazy.

2: Squirrels are pretty smart. It's true. I have watched a squirrel "fake bury" a nut in my yard. I was curious so I looked it up. Apparently they fear another squirrel might dig up their stash so they fake it sometimes. They build nests high up in the trees and you can supposedly tell how much snow the winter will bring based on whether the nests are out far on the branches or nearer to a more substantial fork in the tree.

3: Squirrels are great climbers/acrobats. They run right up trees and poles. They fearlessly tightrope along power lines and high tree branches. They can jump a long way and land without killing themselves.

Now the cons.

1: Squirrels are not cute. They sit smugly staring at you with their beady little eyes that scream "Death to all humans". They throw nut hulls down at people and pets just because they can. If dogs and cats ever sprout wings, squirrels are fucked.

2: Squirrels are not very smart. They will walk right into a live trap baited with sunflower seeds even though there isn't a sunflower within 10 miles of my house. They will break into my garage and rip out the insulation and chew through the wiring. Apparently squirrel digestive tracts cannot handle fiberglass insulation too well... they eat it and die. Electricity is not a squirrels friend, a nibble into garage wiring will roast a squirrels ass in no time. In case of a really severe winter they will just move into my garage. Dumb idea squirrel, I have a gun and you know I will fire it inside the garage.

3: Squirrels are poor climbers/acrobats. Their little flat bodies on the street under trees and power lines are a testament to their clumsiness. I witnessed a squirrel fall from a tree once. It was actually kind of funny. No, it didn't kill him but it knocked the wind out of him pretty good...stupid squirrel.

Other odd squirrel behaviors:

I'm not sure why, but sometimes I see squirrels sitting on top of the railroad tracks until its almost too late. My best guess is that the vibration of a locomotive thundering along at 55 mph feels good on their nuts. (not the nuts they eat) I haven't tried it myself, yet, mostly because I'm a LOT slower than a squirrel.

I have noticed on more than one occasion that a squirrel will sit with his back to the wind and his tail raised high in the air. I'm not sure but I guess the chilly wind feels good blowing on their squirrel butt holes.

If in a fit of anger you throw a chunk of a 2x6 at a belligerent squirrel, he will run over and inspect the I would really try to smack him with food.

Bottom line is this, I don't care much for squirrels. They have their place in nature but I am pretty sure that place isn't my garage. They accidentally plant trees sometimes because they forget where they buried their acorns, and planting trees is nice. They provide food for hawks and hunters and today they gave me a reason to write awhile. I guess they aren't so bad after all. HA HA Tree Bacon.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I was bored at work today and thought I read some blogs. This made me chuckle...Tree Bacon!