The Friendly?... Skies

I was reading a post from one of my very favorite bloggers the other day and decided to post this. A thank you for the idea and a loud blog shout-out to Jessica at Booshy. She was telling a story about her sucky flight and it occurred to me that I too have been on some crappy flights.

One such flight was when The lovely wife, the son,and I were heading home to Anchorage from Kansas after a nice visit with our peeps.

Picture, if you will,passengers crying...yeah with tears and stuff. I would have bet you a paycheck that it was Skippy's (made up pilots name) first unassisted landing attempt. I remember telling Lovely that if he didn't land soon that I was going to do it for him. (note: I'm not a pilot) Finally though, after many many approaches and aborted landings... our pilot Skippy, the forces of gravity, and our almost certain lack of enough fuel to try even one more time got us safely on the ground. We were in Phoenix enroute to Anchorage. If not for the whole 3000+ miles to go thing, I swear I would have rented a car to finish the trip. It sucked.

Almost as bad as our trip from Honolulu to Dallas.
Our pilot informed us on takeoff that we would have 2 and a half hours of smooth flying. Let's see 8+ hours to get to Hawaii, and only 2 and a half to get back? I thought, Wow this is either one really fast jet or were fucked in a couple of hours.

Yep, fucked. Flight attendants had the first round of drinks served in about 15 minutes. Then a meal,and a second round of drinks. After about 2 hours I noticed them strapping themselves in their tiny flight attendant seats, If you're ever on a plane and you see that happening, ask the lady sitting next to you for all of her remaining Xanax. Trust me you will be glad you did. 6 hours of slamming around inside an aluminum tube at 35000 ft. and don't even think you are going to the shithouse, unless you brought a helmet in your carry-on bag. Truly sucked. In fact that flight turned me off Hawaii. Next time I will be on a ship thank you.

I remember another flight that I was on that was sort of freaky but cool so it doesn't entirely fit with the whole shitty flight theme. Anyway, myself and 5 other guys were going fishing in Seldovia, Alaska. We and our baggage were weighed before the air taxi people split us into 2 groups of 3. We were going to be in a tiny little plane so the pilot had to make 2 trips from Homer to Seldovia. Not a huge deal it's like a 10 minute flight. On our approach to land in Seldovia our pilot encouraged us to hang on as he would be stopping abruptly on touchdown, on a gravel pad known as the air strip... Wow, abruptly hardly explains that landing. Later I learned that it takes a lot more space to land a small plane than it does to take off. Who'da thunk it?

Ok last one...One Christmas I had sent Lovely wife, and son to Kansas for the holidays. I had to work so I wouldn't be joining them but secretly I planned to surprise them with a visit on Christmas Eve. I know, I'm cool like that. As my plane took off from Anchorage, I and pretty much everyone else on the flight noticed the pungent odor of a lot of smoke in the cabin. Hey this doesn't seem quite right. There was some fairly serious grumbling going on from my fellow passengers as well as some whispered prayers and probably some "Sorry I was such a crappy husband/wife I didn't love her/him it was purely physical"..blah blah blah confessions. Now if I have said it once I have said it a million times...don't start confessing stuff till the pilot tells you to. I think there is some kind of addendum they can throw out there to go along with the preflight "how to fasten a seatbelt" lecture.

Anyway we are all sort of wondering if they will be able to identify our bodies after being in the gulf of Alaska for a few days when Timmy(made up name) comes hopping down the center aisle with a screwdriver. I couldn't help myself, I started giggling. This kid who looked a lot like a 2nd year cubscout, thinks he is going to save us from our fiery plunge into the freezing cold ocean... with a screwdriver. You gotta know it was funny.

Soon the pilot informed us that we were indeed not on fire but we had blown a tire on takeoff and the tire was smoldering in it's little tire compartment under the plane. Not gonna die, perfectly ok to land minus one tire, aaaannnnnnd sorry for the heart attack. Thank you for choosing Delta and the weather in Salt Lake City is blah, blah, blah... I wonder if some of the passengers then spent the rest of the holiday season perusing the yellow pages for divorce lawyers.

Hey I would totally like to hear about your crappy flights too. Tell me in a giant comment or a tiny one, whatever you're comfortable with. See you next time!

Early, So What?

OK did it again. enter key on right, tab key on left! Ahhh dyslexia. Just wanted to wish all of you a happy Thanksgiving holiday. Yeah I know it's early...so what? My blog, my rules.

I like Thanksgiving because I don't have to feel guilty about eating like a pig. OK I never feel guilty about over eating. Turkey is sort of gross, it isn't one of my favorite foods, chicken either. Oh, I will eat turkey if I go to someones house who is serving it. I'm just cool like that.

I prefer ham for holiday meals. It makes sense you know. Even the name ham has a yummy sound "HAMmmmm" Also if I'm gonna eat like a pig I think I should be eating...(wait for it)...A PIG! There you go.

Is it just me, or do other guys want to laugh and say "giggity" every time you hear a chick say they are going to "stuff their turkey"? I'm always wanting to say "I'll stuff yer turkey baby!" Well, not always.

It still amazes me that Lovely Wife puts up with my nonsense.

In any case, I hope you all have a fun, safe holiday. Enjoy your families and friends. Yipee I am spending the day with Lovely Wife, and The Boy!

For all of you who don't live in the U.S. Just have a good ordinary day. And feel free to eat as much as you want and then take a long nap in your favorite chair.

Little Bunny Fufu

So there's this song for kids about Little Bunny Fufu. I think he goes a-hopping through the forest and something bops him on the head, or maybe he bops someone on the head. I can't remember because I'm old and usually drunk or high or something is wrong with me or something. Anyway I thought of Little Bunny Fufu the other night and wrote some new lyrics for his song based on something I saw:

Little Bunny Fufu, hopping through the forest,
hears a whistle blowing and runs into the night.

Whistle getting closer, bunny running faster,
sees the train a-coming, gets blinded by the light!

Here comes Little Fufu, scared that he is soon dead,
doesnt see the steel rail and whacks his bunny head!

Running very slow now, cant remember just how,
little bunny Fufu got this big bump on his head!

OK my engineer and I were laughing our asses off when we saw that bunny go running head first into the rail. Oh, he's ok, it accordioned him up for a second causing his bunny ass to meet up with his bunny head, but he scampered off towards the bushes looking very confused and embarassed.(off to rub his head no doubt) So if any of you happen to see a small brown, cross eyed bunny acting goofy and possibly with a slightly misshapen head...please tell him we're sorry and that we weren't going very fast. He had plenty of time to hop over the rail.

Friends And Vandals

I was walking through the railroad yard today and saw some really nice "car-art". The typical painting you see on a rail car is either gang related nonsense, or someones name. The artists use some very creative fonts that sometimes make it near impossible to decipher.

Today however the art I saw was a silhouette of 3 children. The first was a little boy towing a kite behind and above him while a little girl and another little boy ran behind. It was done in white paint on a rust colored railcar. It was truly amazing. The scene brought only one word to mind, JOY. I felt happy just looking at it. It brought back memories of a different time, with no deadlines, no bills, and no pressing responsibilities. At first I thought I should take a picture of it and post it for the world to see. Then I thought no, this one is just for me. I needed it. Thank you to the vandal for turning my day/week/month around. I am willing to bet that whomever made the painting, did it for himself and didn't think about the effect it might have on me today. If a painting on the side of a railcar can make a positive difference in someones life, is it still vandalism? The railroads would say yes, me? I'm not so sure...today it is Art.

I read some very nice comments on my last post. It feels really good to be accepted and be part of something bigger than myself. Kind of felt like a cyber-hug from my blogbuds. Thank you all, I needed that today. I hope you all understand that I was not feeling good about what was coming out when I wrote. I think you deserve better posts. Your kind words and encouragement make me want to try harder and do better.

I have a new appreciation for professional writers. Writers Block. Sometimes words just will not come. Why? what external factors influence our thought process so much that we simply cannot find words? I think the answer is, all external factors! The weather, our health, our families, and our jobs. Yes, the very things that drive us to write can destroy our ability to string words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs. Life giveth and Life taketh away. Its a connundrum. I never gave any thought to it before because trust me I am never out of stuff to talk about...ever. I think though that sometimes too much stuff bouncing around inside my head makes it really tough to convey a thought. An overload of emotion positive or negative can make it terribly hard to put feelings into words.

What follows is what I feel may have caused my recent bout of bloggers block.

Comedy is a sort of double edge sword. There is nearly always an element of pain or humiliation involved with a laugh. No? Then why do we laugh when we see a kid smack a wiffle ball into his dad's nuts? Why is it hysterical to watch a drunken butt-head at a wedding trip and destroy a $1500 wedding cake? We laugh because it's FUNNY! (unless you're the bride or her dad who paid for the cake) It is in our nature to laugh at the pain and humiliation of others. Sad, but true.

Sometimes comedy can go to far. One of my favorite comediennes is Sarah Silverman. She regularly goes too far, I have seen her boo-ed on television. My guess is that Sarah isn't setting out to humiliate and offend people because she doesn't like them or to hurt them. I think she simply understands thats what comedy is...pain. Recently I made a joke and hurt someones feelings who I really care about. I was a little more callous than I needed to be and I am terribly sorry for that, there was no meanness or maliciousness intended. It was supposed to be funny. It wasn't recieved as such. It made me want to take a step back and re-evaluate my blogs genre. Here's the deal, funny is pretty much all I know. What if everything I write hurts someones feelings. Who the heck do I even think I am, maybe I should just stop.

So I took a break. I was miserable for days. I figured I had maybe lost one of my dearest friends in the world and not sure how to fix it. Not fun.

There is another issue that has been plaguing me for several days as well. I miss my family. For those who don't already know, my son has been hospitalized since the middle of May. He is very sick and had to recieve a bone marrow transplant. There have been many setbacks and scary times over the last few months. The changing of the seasons from spring to summer to autumn and now to winter has been tough. The bare branches on the trees are another reminder of how long he has been battling this illness. A reminder that we have not been a "regular" family for a long, long time. It's very hard, with the holiday season fast approaching to keep a smile on my face. Knowing that we will likely be spending our holidays in a hospital or at best in a home for cancer patients who have had or are waiting to have treatments. I do not feel sorry for myself. I feel a little lost, like I am only part of who I once was. The hours I spend on trains or reading, commenting,and writing on this site help me to focus on something other than my son's health, measured by cell counts and caloric intake, constant testing and re-testing,500 new doctors and new courses of action.

I keep a car in the city where my trains go so that I can escape the prison of my 10x15ft hotel room. I can go places and see things besides the 4 walls. That old car has been very handy to get back and forth to see my wife and son while I am in the city. Several days ago the brakes went out. Now I was without a vehicle. I was spending time 10 miles from my family with no way to go see them. IT SUCKED! Rather than haul it off to a shop to fix it my friend and co-worker who co-owns the car with me said he would fix it. We are both decent mechanics but we had no tools, and no shop to put it in so we were held hostage by the weather as well as the time of day when we got to the city. It is hard to work outside in the dark on a car, ask anyone. So last night I was sitting outside, with a flashlight at midnight in the cold fixing the car. It sucked hauling 80 lbs. of wrenches around all day on a train but now I feel better knowing now I have my ride back. It has been too long since I have seen my family. I am also packing around 10lbs of mail that the lovely wife hasn't gotten yet.

There you have it.
Sick son, irregular family life, looming holiday season, seriously damaged friendship, and a broken car.

It's amazing really. Your kind words and a painting on the side of a boxcar have moved me to put thoughts back into written words. Thank You Friends and Vandals.

Lets Try This

Shit, I hate it when I confuse the tab key with the enter key. Pisses me off cause BOOM you just published...a title! Ugh! So now I feel compelled to write something in here, anything. My blog mind is a blank slate. His Majesty the Cat is watching me and looking rather perturbed that I am not letting him pet himself on my hand. Spoiled Cat. Eveytime I look at him he's all like..."Well?"... I don't know.

So I am getting ready for the holiday next week. Trying to make sure my belly stays stretched out ready to accept mass quantities of grub. Took 3 days off work to be with the family so that should be fun.

OMG... Could this be any lamer? Is lamer even a word? perhaps more lame would be better. Either way I am keeping it short so you wont have killed more than like 3 minutes to read it. Comments are totally unneccesary. The fact is I don't think it's fun for me right now to be blogging. I guess I need to go back and think about why this all seemed so important for a couple of months. Something has changed, not entirely sure what it is. I still enjoy reading the posts from my blogbuds, and I will be commenting on your posts because...you guys are awesome! I have had a good time writing and reading and interacting with you all. I feel like I kind of know some of you, and I am happy to have known you through your posts. Sheesh I feel like I am moving away from the old neighborhood.

So I'm taking a break. Or retiring. Until I have something funny or important to say, I'm done.

My Lame Comment.

Apparently some people demand a re-comment that they feel is worthy of the time and effort that they put into their comment. You know who you are and here is me correcting my lameness. No, not secretly in a text message, but right out here for all the world to see. Happy now crybaby? Oh wait,

"Oh, oh, thank you so much for your well thought out comment on my post. I can tell by what you wrote that you really think I'm clever and funny. It's obvious that you spent a shit load of time choosing just the right words to convey your thoughts. I hope to be more like you someday and I think we should get together and have some lunch next week...my treat...and discuss the post in even greater detail as some of the finer nuances may have been lost in the literal translation of said idea"

That better?

I am soooo making you buy my lunch.

You know I'm kidding right? No, not about you buying lunch, that part is real! The very coolest part of me posting this just might be the fact that since it is a public lameness correction you really won't be able to say too much about it in your comment. You pretty much have to be all like "Oh, who would say such a thing" Knowing this is making me laugh hysterically. Something wicked coming my way?
LMAO, I fear you not O' scary person wannabe. So where you takin me for lunch?

In the future I will try to be more aware of my re-comments. I will strive to isolate and eliminate the lameness gene from the DNA of my re-comments. Really, I promise...cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. (or is it, cross my heart, cannot lie, wish I had some freakin pie?) I'm hungry.

Left of Center Award!

Thanks and a HUGE shout out to Leese at Living Me 101 for sending me this award. Now this is how awards should be passed along. It feels really personal or something, like a gift, of underwear. Yeah thats it. And she made it herself. Leese made underwear and gave it to me...wait, not underwear, the award thats like underwear, but really nice underwear, silk or something equally shiny and slippery.

It's weird how all the good stuff is either shiny or slippery or both...like a goldfish. A real goldfish, not the snack crackers. Luckily this award, like shiny, slippery underwear won't be dying soon and need to be flushed down the crapper like a goldfish would. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

"This award is better than a goldfish"

Hmm. This will be a very tough award to pass on because it is quite specific. I'm not gonna try to pass it just yet, but I couldnt wait to post it on my blog so here it is! I may just keep it for myself and never pass it on...would that be wrong?

I will be posting something in a day or two so please don't abandon me yet. Been sort of busy lately. Just time enough to lurk and comment from time to time. Love all your blogs so just keep doing the same sort of stuff or change it or whatever. See how scatterbrained I have become? Wow!
Gotta run...Thanks again Leese!

Wow, Another Award?

A big shout out to Leese over at Living Me 101 for honoring me with this award.

First off, has anyone seen Kanye? I will kick his ass right off this stage if he starts his crap.

This is a special award because it requires nothing from the recipient! Good thing too, since so many of my blogbuds are wrapped up in nanowrimo,(Jessica and Spot) Thanksgiving,(everyone) having jobs,(Cynica) and going on freakin vacations (Lilu!) this month. Following tradition I will be passing this award along to a few of my sweetest blogbuds. Oh since Chrissy is on blog-cation somebody send it her way please.
For the Award I nominate:

Cynica Sarcastamos @ What I'm Sayin

Spot @ What Passes For Sane On A Crazy Day

Danica @ Platitude Paradise

Kathryn @ From the Inside Out

Hmm, did I forget anyone? If I did feel free to swipe the button you know I think you're all sweet...Um BlackLog and Kurt, not that way. More of a manly sort of sweet. LMAO

The Interview Pt. 2

Due to my interviewer freaking out during our last session, we had to reschedule our time and start over. This is part 2 of our interview.

Interviewer: Are we ready to try this again?

Me: Sure but no guarantees, you want a beer before we start?

I: It's 8:30 in the morning...you think you should be drinking?

M: I'm not sure.

I: I understand your first blog post references a friend who is writing a screenplay. How is that going?

M: I don't know. We don't talk about that anymore.

I: Oh? Trouble in blog paradise?

M: No. We both just have really short attention spans, if you couple that with almost no adult supervision you are left with the mess that is our collective thought process.

I: So, what do you talk about?

M: Different stuff.

I: Such as?

M: I promised I wouldn't say poop and pee.

I: OK Never mind then. Your blog post "I LUV MY JOB" talks about your work on the railroad, is that fulfilling?

M: I'm not sure "work" is an accurate description of my railroad job. I usually just sit and look out the window. And write blog posts.

I: So, would you be comfortable calling yourself an aspiring writer?

M: It depends on what I was doing when I called myself an aspiring writer.

I: I'm sorry, I don't follow.

M: Well, if I was sitting in my easy chair then yes, I would be comfortable. But, if I were say standing outside a burning building in the freezing cold wearing a shower curtain I would be uncomfortable.

I: The hell are you even talking about?

M: Sorry, I was trying to think of a very uncomfortable situation.

I: I should say so. Where did you come up with that scenario?

M: My blog-buddy Danica's blog.

I: I see.

M: It would also be very uncomfortable to be trapped in a haunted garage cubby hole.

I: Another blog reference?

M: Yes, from Spot's blog. Spooky stuff.

I: What would you do with a million dollars?

M: Probably build a big prodution set and create video blog posts spoofing tv movies and commercials. Then I would buy a really nice cape to wear to pbandtuna next year.

I: PB and Tuna?

M: LiLu's birthday party. Another blogger. Waaaay funny.

I: I shudder to think. So do you read several other blogs then?

M: Yes, they're listed in my "blogs I follow" area. There's a lot of talent here. Writers, artists, photographers, and comedians.

I: Your favorite?

M: All of them.

I: What was that look all about?

M: I just farted.

I: Thats it! We are done here. It's clear your main interest in life is goofing off, and making my life miserable.

M: Thats a fairly accurate observation but we just got started. I thought I might do some limmericks!

I: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

The Interview Pt. 1

I decided to try an interview type post. I totally stole the idea from Kathryn's Blog I hope you like it.

Interviewer: Mark Price, Creative name you use to sign your blog posts.

Me: Yeah I got it from my folks.

I: I see, how long have you been blogging

M: About 30 minutes today...I type really slow.

I: Actually I meant when did you start your Screenplay blog?

M: Oh, a couple months ago.

I: How would you describe your blog? The content?

M: I think it's a mix of chaos and confusion. I really just want to make people laugh.

I: I see you write an awful lot about, um, bodily functions. Why?

M: I'm not sure what you mean...the poop and pee thing?

I: Yeah, the poop and pee thing.

M: I really haven't got an answer for that. I wake up every day and write about whats on my mind. Maybe I woke up those mornings needing to go poop or pee.

I: OK, TMI. Lets talk about...

M: Of course if I need to pee that early in the morning the odds are that I will have a pee-on. I never blog about pee-ons.

I: I'm not sure I even know what a pee-on is.

M: It's like a hard-on, but its caused from having to pee real bad while you're sleeping. It's kind of a morning surprise. One minute you're asleep, the next you're all like "Well, hello friend, where'd you come from". Some guy's call it morning wood.

I: OK, OK, I think I've got it!

M: Morning wood? Now? Um, its afternoon. That wouldn't be a pee-on.

I: I don't have a pee-on! Never mind, where were we?

M: Hey it's totally ok if you have a "chubby" but I'm straight as an arrow...sorry to dissappoint you.

I: I'M NOT DISSAPPOINTED!!! Can we do this another time?

M: Riiiiiight. OK.

Post # 60...Really?

So I have been pretty blogstipated for a few days and was starting to feel like I had nothing to say...I know weird. This post is me opening my typing mouth and seeing if anything comes out. I thought post #60 should be something special or interesting or funny but the truth is I got nothin! So I went back over my shortlived blogging career and just read some old posts. Fun stuff. One thing I noticed was the regular use of acronyms in the comments.

WTF is a popular one but what does it mean? The "W" is the variable, is it Who, What, When, Where, or Why? Of course the "F" is also interchangeable. F**k, Frown, Fellow, Fun, or Freak! I don't know wtf people are saying when they use WTF.

And what about LOL? Is there a level of praise attached to the variations of an online giggle? For instance is LOLOL better than just plain old LOL? And what about LMAO? Surely there is a difference. If you get a ROFLMAOOL you should probably get a prize to go with it right?

Why is BRB never associated with, Been Real Busy? How do we know for sure that the "F" in BFF isn't the same "F" in WTF? That would certainly change things huh?

Then you have the ever present OMG. It is like a blog comment staple item. Like salt in a blog comment recipe. If I had a nickle for every OMG in bloggville, I would be rich.

So with that said I will go back to thinking about my next post, but I will leave you with this...
WTF am I doing LMAO OL while reading posts from my BFF's blog and other BBB's? IKR? BTW, OMG my BGF is a PITA sometimes...BION! JK! TTYL!

WTF???

To Pee or Not To Pee

This is gonna be a long ass post so if you need to pee do it now, we are not pulling over! And grab an aspirin cause this may give you a killer headache. This is a text conversation I had with my friend last night. I thought it was funny so I'm posting it here for all the world to see.(both my regular readers)(oh and her ) Be advised, I typed for like 3 hours so you could be a text voyuer.(sp?) If it sux, Just say hey this sux and I wont do part 2 tomorrow. Really? you ask. Yes really! Buckle up here we go.

Friend, (hereafter referred to as F): I sent you an e-mail of my first kids book.

Me, (hereafter referred to as M): Friend, I really liked imagining the pics, till I had to picture a little dog pissing on a tree. Really? Is the sequel gonna feature little Boo in heat getting gang dog-raped and going on Maury? Hmm? I loved it sans the pee though. Nice story and visuals, excellent phrasing.

F: No pee? Really? Hmm you don't look like a priss...u dont sound like a priss but for someone so poop obsessed you want no pee? Me thinks youre a total priss!

M: Priss? Hello Kettle? its me the pot! We're talking about 4 yr olds here!

F: ogs pee on everything and ma and pa always have their noses in their laptops...no?

M: Im writing a new grinds my gears post.

F: Dont change the subject Prissy Price!

M: I noticed my musings arent as funny when read aloud, is that normal?

F: see previous message

M: I cant help changing the subject and you forgot to send one of your texts. I have one that begins with ...ogs pee on everything.(pg 1 missing)

F: Scroll
F: Heres the deal Gloria,I have a smartphone unlike fruit phones my texts dont get split up into whatever wont choke my phone. a long text comes in one long flowing bubble...get a real phone!

M: Gloria is in the shower!
M: BTW this is great dialog for a post, im giggling a lot.

F: So back to the pee thing

M: well I dont see my sister buying a book for my neices that involves dog piss
M: I dont recall reading my kid any books with dog piss in them. totally would have put a new spin on the "Golden Books" though.

F: R U Kidding? Pee is really that offensive? ask around for me.

M: When your publisher says "we love it but lose the urine or its a no-go" thats pretty clear. And I will not be asking random people their views on pee in childrens books.

F: Who R U?

M: I'm Alphonse, call me!

F: TJI (this just in) Kids love anything with pee and poop whatswrongwithyou?

M: I will ask Lovely wife she is a pee poop authority.
M: Well I asked the boy he says no pee!

F: quit lying HEIR POOPMEISTER! I call a BS boy conspiracy!

M: I asked lovely wife she said pee...out! woo-hoo

F: what is wrong with you Kansassaurases? poo and pee are kiddies friends, they love em!

M: LOL

F: Everything has poop and pee in it now. theres a popular kids book called Why we Poop, and The Gas We Pass too. Where ya been Pricestone? weve missed you at the quaaaaaarry!

M: those books are poop specific though, to explain to kids why they poop. Yours is about finding something that sounds like "E" Its 3 to 1 against.
M: So is it published yet?

F: You really think a parent is gonna freak out over pee? Really? Yeah but you dont have a 5 yr old plus you put ketchup on everything!

M: I had a 5 yr old once and I have 4 neices and nephews age 5 and under...Im a pro.

F: Why yes, yes it is! Shut up. Geez! No it's not published- U know that Alphonseretta! But I dont think pee is a deal breaker. Maybe, but I aint seein it Gloria. I think I should pose the question on my blog.

M: Come on, bloggers are fibbers, they will say they love it just to be nice.

F: I before E except after C

M: what?

F: Neices is wrong. Duh get spell check

M: Really? pfffft.

F: Im not a blog liar. If I say I like it I really do.

M: me too but everyone cant be us. I know I have posted sum crap.

F: Back to your android nIEces and nephs, they wouldnt laugh at pee?

M: They might but their moms wouldnt, therefore no book sales. Well?

F: Well what? if you think it needs something else come up with it dont just sit there. Grief. monkey.

M: you got quiet and their is spelled correctly E before I... so PFFFT!

F: LOL, Thats a German word!

M: Their is a German word? I use it all the time. Hmm Im bilingual I guess.

F: Kidding my little assisant DA. I got nothin.

M: How bout this. Try doin without the pee and just send them home to dinner. Say goodbye to their friends at the park and off they go.

F: What about kite time and brushing their teeth? Did u read the whole thing? What? You were traumatized when u got to the pee part and couldnt go on?

M: I only got to there. I thought it was the end. Thats all that came. Last word was pee. Theres more? Hmm that may help. Send balance please.

F: Theres that pesky little SCROLL word again.

M: LMAO! I scrolled! I found the rest LOL
M: OK if I didnt luv u I wouldnt say this...I hate the balloon verse. Read it aloud and see if you still like it.

F: damn fruity phones anyway. So does it make the pee more acceptable? I'll re-read the balloon part. Judgy Wudgy was a bear...remember it's for little kids. theyre nice and they like balloons! So re-word it for me, O Red Headed Einstein.

M: Agreed I like the idea of balloons but give one to anyone who says theyre pretty? Bluuuuck. stand by a sec.

F: note to self: make a balloon verse rhymeing one and fun.

(OKay at this point I gave her a sweet line but it may be protected so.....)

F: Excellent but can we include sharing them too? Plus all the verses need the same sing songy rythem. KWIM?

M: Yeah, oh writer extrordinaire its called iambic pentameter or something. Why share the balloons? Thats crap, maybe take one home to mom.
M: Oh and Um rythem is rythm...no E and rhymeing is rhyming...also no E. google it.

F: OH God I've created a monsta!

M: Ya.

What Grinds My Gears vol. 3

You know what grinds my gears? Chain E-Mails. They promise good luck, fortunes, and miracles all for the low low price of irritating the crap out of your friends. Helloooo I don't need any help to be irritating. Ask anyone who knows me.

It really pisses me off to be minding my own business when some do-gooder feels the need to wreck my day with a chain E-Mail. These things come wrapped in all sorts of pretty little E-packages with their humorous or inspiring prose wrapped inside. Once I got one that had quotas attached to it. "Pass this on to 8 people and your day will be filled with good luck. Pass it on to 15 people and your dreams will come true in a month. Pass it on to 30 people and a giant goose will crap you out a golden turd! OK I made up the goose, but you get the gist.

Stop sending me these things people, I don't want them and I will not be sending them along to others. The fact that you sent it to me makes you partially responsible for the chain being broken. Even if it worked would it be worth it to irritate everyone in my contact list just to wake up to a bathtub filled with strippers and melted snickers bars?
OK that might make me do it.

Heres the thing, I believe in miracles and good luck but I don't believe they are prerequisite to me annoying the piss out of 8 of my friends. Thanks for listening!
Back to you Tom.