Tuesday, November 3, 2009

To Pee or Not To Pee

This is gonna be a long ass post so if you need to pee do it now, we are not pulling over! And grab an aspirin cause this may give you a killer headache. This is a text conversation I had with my friend last night. I thought it was funny so I'm posting it here for all the world to see.(both my regular readers)(oh and her ) Be advised, I typed for like 3 hours so you could be a text voyuer.(sp?) If it sux, Just say hey this sux and I wont do part 2 tomorrow. Really? you ask. Yes really! Buckle up here we go.

Friend, (hereafter referred to as F): I sent you an e-mail of my first kids book.

Me, (hereafter referred to as M): Friend, I really liked imagining the pics, till I had to picture a little dog pissing on a tree. Really? Is the sequel gonna feature little Boo in heat getting gang dog-raped and going on Maury? Hmm? I loved it sans the pee though. Nice story and visuals, excellent phrasing.

F: No pee? Really? Hmm you don't look like a priss...u dont sound like a priss but for someone so poop obsessed you want no pee? Me thinks youre a total priss!

M: Priss? Hello Kettle? its me the pot! We're talking about 4 yr olds here!

F: ogs pee on everything and ma and pa always have their noses in their laptops...no?

M: Im writing a new grinds my gears post.

F: Dont change the subject Prissy Price!

M: I noticed my musings arent as funny when read aloud, is that normal?

F: see previous message

M: I cant help changing the subject and you forgot to send one of your texts. I have one that begins with ...ogs pee on everything.(pg 1 missing)

F: Scroll
F: Heres the deal Gloria,I have a smartphone unlike fruit phones my texts dont get split up into whatever wont choke my phone. a long text comes in one long flowing bubble...get a real phone!

M: Gloria is in the shower!
M: BTW this is great dialog for a post, im giggling a lot.

F: So back to the pee thing

M: well I dont see my sister buying a book for my neices that involves dog piss
M: I dont recall reading my kid any books with dog piss in them. totally would have put a new spin on the "Golden Books" though.

F: R U Kidding? Pee is really that offensive? ask around for me.

M: When your publisher says "we love it but lose the urine or its a no-go" thats pretty clear. And I will not be asking random people their views on pee in childrens books.

F: Who R U?

M: I'm Alphonse, call me!

F: TJI (this just in) Kids love anything with pee and poop whatswrongwithyou?

M: I will ask Lovely wife she is a pee poop authority.
M: Well I asked the boy he says no pee!

F: quit lying HEIR POOPMEISTER! I call a BS boy conspiracy!

M: I asked lovely wife she said pee...out! woo-hoo

F: what is wrong with you Kansassaurases? poo and pee are kiddies friends, they love em!


F: Everything has poop and pee in it now. theres a popular kids book called Why we Poop, and The Gas We Pass too. Where ya been Pricestone? weve missed you at the quaaaaaarry!

M: those books are poop specific though, to explain to kids why they poop. Yours is about finding something that sounds like "E" Its 3 to 1 against.
M: So is it published yet?

F: You really think a parent is gonna freak out over pee? Really? Yeah but you dont have a 5 yr old plus you put ketchup on everything!

M: I had a 5 yr old once and I have 4 neices and nephews age 5 and under...Im a pro.

F: Why yes, yes it is! Shut up. Geez! No it's not published- U know that Alphonseretta! But I dont think pee is a deal breaker. Maybe, but I aint seein it Gloria. I think I should pose the question on my blog.

M: Come on, bloggers are fibbers, they will say they love it just to be nice.

F: I before E except after C

M: what?

F: Neices is wrong. Duh get spell check

M: Really? pfffft.

F: Im not a blog liar. If I say I like it I really do.

M: me too but everyone cant be us. I know I have posted sum crap.

F: Back to your android nIEces and nephs, they wouldnt laugh at pee?

M: They might but their moms wouldnt, therefore no book sales. Well?

F: Well what? if you think it needs something else come up with it dont just sit there. Grief. monkey.

M: you got quiet and their is spelled correctly E before I... so PFFFT!

F: LOL, Thats a German word!

M: Their is a German word? I use it all the time. Hmm Im bilingual I guess.

F: Kidding my little assisant DA. I got nothin.

M: How bout this. Try doin without the pee and just send them home to dinner. Say goodbye to their friends at the park and off they go.

F: What about kite time and brushing their teeth? Did u read the whole thing? What? You were traumatized when u got to the pee part and couldnt go on?

M: I only got to there. I thought it was the end. Thats all that came. Last word was pee. Theres more? Hmm that may help. Send balance please.

F: Theres that pesky little SCROLL word again.

M: LMAO! I scrolled! I found the rest LOL
M: OK if I didnt luv u I wouldnt say this...I hate the balloon verse. Read it aloud and see if you still like it.

F: damn fruity phones anyway. So does it make the pee more acceptable? I'll re-read the balloon part. Judgy Wudgy was a bear...remember it's for little kids. theyre nice and they like balloons! So re-word it for me, O Red Headed Einstein.

M: Agreed I like the idea of balloons but give one to anyone who says theyre pretty? Bluuuuck. stand by a sec.

F: note to self: make a balloon verse rhymeing one and fun.

(OKay at this point I gave her a sweet line but it may be protected so.....)

F: Excellent but can we include sharing them too? Plus all the verses need the same sing songy rythem. KWIM?

M: Yeah, oh writer extrordinaire its called iambic pentameter or something. Why share the balloons? Thats crap, maybe take one home to mom.
M: Oh and Um rythem is rythm...no E and rhymeing is rhyming...also no E. google it.

F: OH God I've created a monsta!

M: Ya.


Kathryn said...

OhMyGod. You're now on record for having the longest text message discussion about PEE.

If you hunt and peck to write, you two must've been talking the WHOLE FREAKIN' NIGHT.

How is the dog peeing so integral to the plot of this story??

Mark Price said...

ok heres the deal, the humans were checking e-mail and the dog was checking p-mail ie: sniffin and pissin all over

Mark Price said...

oh and we were texting for quite some time yes.

Spot said...

Oh my god!! I love the p-mail idea!! It's really good. (And I am sooo not a blog liar. If I don't like it, I don't comment). I worked at a bookstore and I think it's fine to leave the pee in. There's a book called Walter the Farting Dog and his farts foil a burgalar for pete's sake! If that's pc then pee is totally in. Going with the author on this one.

Loved the text convo by the way. And the "Pricestones". Oh my. Funniest thing I've read all day.


Cynica Sarcastamos said...

LMAO! I cannot believe you would post a text convo! (Especially one that lonnnnnnnng.)
My goodness - you should start a new blog and call it "Texting with Mark".

I'm with Spot on the p-mail thing.
Peace out, Man!

Mark Price said...

Sometimes I feel scared and alone! I do appreciate all my blogbuds standing up for my opponent on the p-mail issue. LOL who woulda thunk pee would cause a controversy such as this. Spot, Walter the Farting Dog? I'm orderin that one for sure, just so I can have a copy on the shelf.
Cynica, the main problem with a texting with Mark blog is all that texting and typing makes my fingertips go flat. If a sweet blogbud were to offer to transcribe and type them all out for me....hmmmmmm then maybe. I'm impressed though, nobody said hey this sux please dont do it again! (gluttons for punishment I guess) Thanks for comin by ladies. Oh yeah, Cynica...post something! and Spot...we are awaiting another Lulu post too please tell her to get busy.(and how is your word count?)

Danica Dragonfly said...

Aww man ... I hate it when I am late to the party...

I kinda like the pee mail, too. My kids are even more fascinated with bodily function than you are.

Totally not getting the farting dog, though. My kids aren't allowed to use such a word ... I know - SERIOUS HYPOCRITE here. But they aren't.

Sorry so late ... I musta missed your post on my reader.

Tia said...

They also sell Walter the Farting Dog stuffed animals.

And I would have to agree with the p-mail. My kids would find that hilarious, as their mom it wouldn't bother me. Of course my kids also read my anatomy books and practice labeling the body parts (I am pre-med) so...we could be a bit odd.

Kathryn said...

Ah. Rubs eyes vigorously. Well, it's not about what I want, now is it?

If da kids want the pee, then pee. And fart, evidently.

Rock on!

Mark Price said...

Danica, better late than never! Glad you came by:)
Tia, welcome new commenter! I am in awe of this Walter character. I simply must have one!!
Kathryn, you appear to almost be on my side of this argument. THANK YOU!! Pee in any form of kids book should be questioned.

NOTE TO "F" Im sure you have read these comments by now and are probably cackling away in your icy castle by the sea thinking you have won this one. I will not concede, not now and not ever!!!
Sincerely, "M"

Spot said...

Um..knock...knock...Mark? Where is the next post?? Hmmm...you promised more of the text type battle! And hoo baby! You so lost this round. Go "F"!


PS- my word count is sucking right now due to Lulu's illness. Which is also why she hasn't posted. She forgot to bring her laptop since it was supposed to be a quick visit.

Leese said...

My vote is for PEE IN!

HA! I know you love the pun!!!

Then again, considering my history with that particular body function and old Dunkin' Donut cups.. well, did you think I'd go for anything different???