This is gonna be a long ass post so if you need to pee do it now, we are not pulling over! And grab an aspirin cause this may give you a killer headache. This is a text conversation I had with my friend last night. I thought it was funny so I'm posting it here for all the world to see.(both my regular readers)(oh and her ) Be advised, I typed for like 3 hours so you could be a text voyuer.(sp?) If it sux, Just say hey this sux and I wont do part 2 tomorrow. Really? you ask. Yes really! Buckle up here we go.
Friend, (hereafter referred to as F): I sent you an e-mail of my first kids book.
Me, (hereafter referred to as M): Friend, I really liked imagining the pics, till I had to picture a little dog pissing on a tree. Really? Is the sequel gonna feature little Boo in heat getting gang dog-raped and going on Maury? Hmm? I loved it sans the pee though. Nice story and visuals, excellent phrasing.
F: No pee? Really? Hmm you don't look like a priss...u dont sound like a priss but for someone so poop obsessed you want no pee? Me thinks youre a total priss!
M: Priss? Hello Kettle? its me the pot! We're talking about 4 yr olds here!
F: ogs pee on everything and ma and pa always have their noses in their laptops...no?
M: Im writing a new grinds my gears post.
F: Dont change the subject Prissy Price!
M: I noticed my musings arent as funny when read aloud, is that normal?
F: see previous message
M: I cant help changing the subject and you forgot to send one of your texts. I have one that begins with ...ogs pee on everything.(pg 1 missing)
F: Heres the deal Gloria,I have a smartphone unlike fruit phones my texts dont get split up into whatever wont choke my phone. a long text comes in one long flowing bubble...get a real phone!
M: Gloria is in the shower!
M: BTW this is great dialog for a post, im giggling a lot.
F: So back to the pee thing
M: well I dont see my sister buying a book for my neices that involves dog piss
M: I dont recall reading my kid any books with dog piss in them. totally would have put a new spin on the "Golden Books" though.
F: R U Kidding? Pee is really that offensive? ask around for me.
M: When your publisher says "we love it but lose the urine or its a no-go" thats pretty clear. And I will not be asking random people their views on pee in childrens books.
F: Who R U?
M: I'm Alphonse, call me!
F: TJI (this just in) Kids love anything with pee and poop whatswrongwithyou?
M: I will ask Lovely wife she is a pee poop authority.
M: Well I asked the boy he says no pee!
F: quit lying HEIR POOPMEISTER! I call a BS boy conspiracy!
M: I asked lovely wife she said pee...out! woo-hoo
F: what is wrong with you Kansassaurases? poo and pee are kiddies friends, they love em!
F: Everything has poop and pee in it now. theres a popular kids book called Why we Poop, and The Gas We Pass too. Where ya been Pricestone? weve missed you at the quaaaaaarry!
M: those books are poop specific though, to explain to kids why they poop. Yours is about finding something that sounds like "E" Its 3 to 1 against.
M: So is it published yet?
F: You really think a parent is gonna freak out over pee? Really? Yeah but you dont have a 5 yr old plus you put ketchup on everything!
M: I had a 5 yr old once and I have 4 neices and nephews age 5 and under...Im a pro.
F: Why yes, yes it is! Shut up. Geez! No it's not published- U know that Alphonseretta! But I dont think pee is a deal breaker. Maybe, but I aint seein it Gloria. I think I should pose the question on my blog.
M: Come on, bloggers are fibbers, they will say they love it just to be nice.
F: I before E except after C
F: Neices is wrong. Duh get spell check
M: Really? pfffft.
F: Im not a blog liar. If I say I like it I really do.
M: me too but everyone cant be us. I know I have posted sum crap.
F: Back to your android nIEces and nephs, they wouldnt laugh at pee?
M: They might but their moms wouldnt, therefore no book sales. Well?
F: Well what? if you think it needs something else come up with it dont just sit there. Grief. monkey.
M: you got quiet and their is spelled correctly E before I... so PFFFT!
F: LOL, Thats a German word!
M: Their is a German word? I use it all the time. Hmm Im bilingual I guess.
F: Kidding my little assisant DA. I got nothin.
M: How bout this. Try doin without the pee and just send them home to dinner. Say goodbye to their friends at the park and off they go.
F: What about kite time and brushing their teeth? Did u read the whole thing? What? You were traumatized when u got to the pee part and couldnt go on?
M: I only got to there. I thought it was the end. Thats all that came. Last word was pee. Theres more? Hmm that may help. Send balance please.
F: Theres that pesky little SCROLL word again.
M: LMAO! I scrolled! I found the rest LOL
M: OK if I didnt luv u I wouldnt say this...I hate the balloon verse. Read it aloud and see if you still like it.
F: damn fruity phones anyway. So does it make the pee more acceptable? I'll re-read the balloon part. Judgy Wudgy was a bear...remember it's for little kids. theyre nice and they like balloons! So re-word it for me, O Red Headed Einstein.
M: Agreed I like the idea of balloons but give one to anyone who says theyre pretty? Bluuuuck. stand by a sec.
F: note to self: make a balloon verse rhymeing one and fun.
(OKay at this point I gave her a sweet line but it may be protected so.....)
F: Excellent but can we include sharing them too? Plus all the verses need the same sing songy rythem. KWIM?
M: Yeah, oh writer extrordinaire its called iambic pentameter or something. Why share the balloons? Thats crap, maybe take one home to mom.
M: Oh and Um rythem is rythm...no E and rhymeing is rhyming...also no E. google it.
F: OH God I've created a monsta!
6 months ago