I was walking through the railroad yard today and saw some really nice "car-art". The typical painting you see on a rail car is either gang related nonsense, or someones name. The artists use some very creative fonts that sometimes make it near impossible to decipher.
Today however the art I saw was a silhouette of 3 children. The first was a little boy towing a kite behind and above him while a little girl and another little boy ran behind. It was done in white paint on a rust colored railcar. It was truly amazing. The scene brought only one word to mind, JOY. I felt happy just looking at it. It brought back memories of a different time, with no deadlines, no bills, and no pressing responsibilities. At first I thought I should take a picture of it and post it for the world to see. Then I thought no, this one is just for me. I needed it. Thank you to the vandal for turning my day/week/month around. I am willing to bet that whomever made the painting, did it for himself and didn't think about the effect it might have on me today. If a painting on the side of a railcar can make a positive difference in someones life, is it still vandalism? The railroads would say yes, me? I'm not so sure...today it is Art.
I read some very nice comments on my last post. It feels really good to be accepted and be part of something bigger than myself. Kind of felt like a cyber-hug from my blogbuds. Thank you all, I needed that today. I hope you all understand that I was not feeling good about what was coming out when I wrote. I think you deserve better posts. Your kind words and encouragement make me want to try harder and do better.
I have a new appreciation for professional writers. Writers Block. Sometimes words just will not come. Why? what external factors influence our thought process so much that we simply cannot find words? I think the answer is, all external factors! The weather, our health, our families, and our jobs. Yes, the very things that drive us to write can destroy our ability to string words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs. Life giveth and Life taketh away. Its a connundrum. I never gave any thought to it before because trust me I am never out of stuff to talk about...ever. I think though that sometimes too much stuff bouncing around inside my head makes it really tough to convey a thought. An overload of emotion positive or negative can make it terribly hard to put feelings into words.
What follows is what I feel may have caused my recent bout of bloggers block.
Comedy is a sort of double edge sword. There is nearly always an element of pain or humiliation involved with a laugh. No? Then why do we laugh when we see a kid smack a wiffle ball into his dad's nuts? Why is it hysterical to watch a drunken butt-head at a wedding trip and destroy a $1500 wedding cake? We laugh because it's FUNNY! (unless you're the bride or her dad who paid for the cake) It is in our nature to laugh at the pain and humiliation of others. Sad, but true.
Sometimes comedy can go to far. One of my favorite comediennes is Sarah Silverman. She regularly goes too far, I have seen her boo-ed on television. My guess is that Sarah isn't setting out to humiliate and offend people because she doesn't like them or to hurt them. I think she simply understands thats what comedy is...pain. Recently I made a joke and hurt someones feelings who I really care about. I was a little more callous than I needed to be and I am terribly sorry for that, there was no meanness or maliciousness intended. It was supposed to be funny. It wasn't recieved as such. It made me want to take a step back and re-evaluate my blogs genre. Here's the deal, funny is pretty much all I know. What if everything I write hurts someones feelings. Who the heck do I even think I am, maybe I should just stop.
So I took a break. I was miserable for days. I figured I had maybe lost one of my dearest friends in the world and not sure how to fix it. Not fun.
There is another issue that has been plaguing me for several days as well. I miss my family. For those who don't already know, my son has been hospitalized since the middle of May. He is very sick and had to recieve a bone marrow transplant. There have been many setbacks and scary times over the last few months. The changing of the seasons from spring to summer to autumn and now to winter has been tough. The bare branches on the trees are another reminder of how long he has been battling this illness. A reminder that we have not been a "regular" family for a long, long time. It's very hard, with the holiday season fast approaching to keep a smile on my face. Knowing that we will likely be spending our holidays in a hospital or at best in a home for cancer patients who have had or are waiting to have treatments. I do not feel sorry for myself. I feel a little lost, like I am only part of who I once was. The hours I spend on trains or reading, commenting,and writing on this site help me to focus on something other than my son's health, measured by cell counts and caloric intake, constant testing and re-testing,500 new doctors and new courses of action.
I keep a car in the city where my trains go so that I can escape the prison of my 10x15ft hotel room. I can go places and see things besides the 4 walls. That old car has been very handy to get back and forth to see my wife and son while I am in the city. Several days ago the brakes went out. Now I was without a vehicle. I was spending time 10 miles from my family with no way to go see them. IT SUCKED! Rather than haul it off to a shop to fix it my friend and co-worker who co-owns the car with me said he would fix it. We are both decent mechanics but we had no tools, and no shop to put it in so we were held hostage by the weather as well as the time of day when we got to the city. It is hard to work outside in the dark on a car, ask anyone. So last night I was sitting outside, with a flashlight at midnight in the cold fixing the car. It sucked hauling 80 lbs. of wrenches around all day on a train but now I feel better knowing now I have my ride back. It has been too long since I have seen my family. I am also packing around 10lbs of mail that the lovely wife hasn't gotten yet.
There you have it.
Sick son, irregular family life, looming holiday season, seriously damaged friendship, and a broken car.
It's amazing really. Your kind words and a painting on the side of a boxcar have moved me to put thoughts back into written words. Thank You Friends and Vandals.
That's Where I Live
4 years ago
16 comments:
Mark, I'm so sorry to hear about all the troubles you're having. It sounds like you were having one of those moments when everything gets on top of you, the snowball effect, and just reaches the point where you are flattened. We all have those moments, and yes, we take it out on someone, usually those we love. You feel terrible about it, but at least you have the conscience to recognise it. We all understand these things when put into perspective. I have many issues, and I always bear them myself. Not a good thing I know, but that's the way I am, and then I end up exploding, but my friends and family know that I'm not normally like that, and as such are very understanding when it does happen, which isn't very often thankfully. It's good to unload sometimes, even if it can hurt, but if people care about you then they will understand and forgive. I truly hope that you get to be with your family soon, where you will be surrounded by the people who love you most, even if it's not in the best of circumstances. You have people here who love and care about you too, and don't want to see you in such pain. I wish you and your family the best for the coming holidays.
Oh and I'm glad to see that a piece of car art made you feel as good as it did. If it speaks to you then I think it is art, as art is highly subjective: one man's meat is another man's poison. It made the person who created it feel good, and also made someone else smile - job done. If you want to see more amazing car art, I suggest you check out this guy's site: http://www.dirtycarart.com/ This guy is truly amazing!
Love and hugs to you and your family x
I concure with Heather. Somedays it feels like your the camel with the broken back.
I have a neighbor, Hank, that had to have a bone marrow transplant. It was rough, but he's fine now. 6 years later, you'd never know there was ever a problem. I hope your sons case will have the same outcome as Hanks.
My thoughts are with you and your family...
I am commenting now because I want you to know that I have read this.
I'm almost at a loss for words.
I am aware of your family's situation in as much as you have shared previously with us, your blog buds.
You have put my mind to work and I may possibly finish the many thoughts I am having on my own page. I don't think here is going to provide enough room.
I am so happy to read these words from you ... you were missed.
I knew about your son from emails we exchanged, and your family is never far from my thoughts. Everytime Mo has an appt or blood test with her hematologist/oncologist and we are sitting in that cancer center waiting room it brings it home for me. I have only seen a child there twice, usually my daughter is the youngest patient. But it is heartwrenching to see children there. And my thoughts fly to all of the parents dealing with their childrens illnesses no matter the age of the child. And I thank the powers that be each time that her condition is not more serious and that so far has been easily manageable. So I won't say I know what you're feeling...but I can imagine it and sympathize. Just know that we are here for you anytime...through blogs or email. Don't hestitate. And please convey our support to your wife as well and your son. Let them know that people they've never even met are pulling for them.
Keep looking for that art, that simple inspiration that gets you through the day.
♥Spot
Heather, thanks for your lovely comment. I totally thought of your blog when I saw that painting and something you told me once...Art is subjective. I went to the dirtycarart site, WOW! he is awesome. Painting in dust! I noticed he signs his work with a time instead of a date...very cool.
Nancy, Thank you and sometimes I do feel like it's all too much but it will pass I suppose. I'm glad your neighbor Hank is doing so well!
Danica, it was only by the kind words of my blogbuds and the chance seeing of some random act of vandalism that kicked me back into my groove. I'm glad to be back.
Spot, yes it appears we have this in common as well. No wonder I totally get you through your writing. Hey and now we are FB friends too! Thats cool. I will tell lovely wife you are thinking of us.
Note to all my blogbuds: You are all so awesome, thanks for reading and thanks for writing. I will most likely be going back to my usual non-sense soon sooo...Hey, who said oh crap? I heard that!
I read this post about 24 hours ago and have finally gotten rid of the lump it put in my throat. I've gotta tell you that I hated it all 34 times I read it. Helplessness sucks.
I am so sorry for all you've been dealt recently. To know of your burdens, and to see that they knocked you down is just plain painful. Your beautiful writing could not change that. But I hope you now know that we all love you and understand your woes. Your friends and family are incredibly lucky to have you, Mark.
Life will soon get better. This will all be a blurry, effed up memory. Till then, think of this place as your couch. Say whatever you want.
(I hope you'll reconsider taking that photo of the rail car to share with us if you still can. Because of you, it has meaning to all of us now.)
Big hug. Twice.
Oh, Mark.....I'd no idea. I'm truly heartbroken for your family...how hard this must be on all of you! Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you-
With that said, I completely understand about the humor/sadness connection. I think it's that sense of feeling out of control...at least, that's it for me. Humor lets me step outside of my "real" life...and be anyone I want to be. It's that expression "If I don't laugh, I'll cry".
PLEASE don't stop blogging! You are an excellent writer...with that fabulous easy-to-read conversational style of yours...it's like talking with an old friend.
And speaking of old friends, I do hope you guys patch things up. I hope this person can come to realize that the written word can be taken out of context...and if you know the writer well, you ASK first...pass judgment later. We're all allowed to be misunderstood now and then...or none of us wud have any friends!
Be well, blogbud.
PS: The trick w/writer's block is to strike whilst the iron is hot...as it were...and stockpile when the mood is good.
Cynica and Kathryn, Thanks for your thoughts and your kind words. You guys (girls) make my day with your wit and humour. I will be continuing to post on here because it is a kind of escape but I also enjoy the sense of...hmmm, i dunno what it is, but it's nice. Cynica if that car shows up again I will take the picture. And Kathryn, my friend and I have spoken and have agreed that we were going to let this thing go. Sometimes in a lifetime you are lucky enough to find a friend who is willing to stand by you through pretty much anything. We have that sort of real friendship. It has been bent on occasion but the bond is so strong that it can always be straightened and will never break. I know that now. I will be posting tomorrow I think, but thats it for the mushy stuff!! I don't want to start buying shoes and watching Lifetime movies.Sheesh! (growing boobs would be cool though) Huggs :)
Hey Mark..
Thoughts and prayers are with you, buddy. I know what it feels like to have life kick you in the balls (well, I don't have balls but you know what I mean) and the weight the keeps get loaded on your shoulders. It sucks. I know. I also know that one needs to do whatever one needs to do to get through it.
And sometimes you just have to let it all out to keep from going insane. I don't know how much of my past posts you've read but yea.. I use my blog to just let everything out because in my real life, I'm the stoic one.. the strong one.. the one that just goes with the flow and manages the damage. I'm the funny one who always finds something to laugh about but sometimes that's a heavier load to bear. Best advise is to just write for yourself.. not for what your readers have come to expect.
Again.. thoughts, prayers and hugs are with you and the fam .. and if there's anything that I can do, please don't hesitate. Don't know what I CAN do but I just feel like I need to make the offer. Cause, you never know!!
Oh.. and..
Men ALWAYS think having boobs would rock but NEVER think of all the dirty looks they would get from constantly fondling them in public!!
Thanks Leese, and you know I would totally cut out the inside of my hoodie pockets to do the fondling! (stealth mode boob fondling)
So.. if you were going to get boobs, you wouldn't have high, perky ones?
Because unless you have some weird kind of hoodie, cutting out the pockets would mean that you had grandmom boobs that hang low and point south!
I'm so confused!
Sorry.. I'm the stealth poster above.
The damn cat dumped on my keyboard and hit the enter key!
HAHAHAHA Grandmom boobs...eww! who am I kidding, I would touch em'!
Ugh. You guys are killin' me. That would explain the recent run on "Granny Hoodies" and Fiskars. Thanks for that lovely visual which is causing me to claw my eyes out.
We're here for you, bro.
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