Friends And Vandals

I was walking through the railroad yard today and saw some really nice "car-art". The typical painting you see on a rail car is either gang related nonsense, or someones name. The artists use some very creative fonts that sometimes make it near impossible to decipher.

Today however the art I saw was a silhouette of 3 children. The first was a little boy towing a kite behind and above him while a little girl and another little boy ran behind. It was done in white paint on a rust colored railcar. It was truly amazing. The scene brought only one word to mind, JOY. I felt happy just looking at it. It brought back memories of a different time, with no deadlines, no bills, and no pressing responsibilities. At first I thought I should take a picture of it and post it for the world to see. Then I thought no, this one is just for me. I needed it. Thank you to the vandal for turning my day/week/month around. I am willing to bet that whomever made the painting, did it for himself and didn't think about the effect it might have on me today. If a painting on the side of a railcar can make a positive difference in someones life, is it still vandalism? The railroads would say yes, me? I'm not so sure...today it is Art.

I read some very nice comments on my last post. It feels really good to be accepted and be part of something bigger than myself. Kind of felt like a cyber-hug from my blogbuds. Thank you all, I needed that today. I hope you all understand that I was not feeling good about what was coming out when I wrote. I think you deserve better posts. Your kind words and encouragement make me want to try harder and do better.

I have a new appreciation for professional writers. Writers Block. Sometimes words just will not come. Why? what external factors influence our thought process so much that we simply cannot find words? I think the answer is, all external factors! The weather, our health, our families, and our jobs. Yes, the very things that drive us to write can destroy our ability to string words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs. Life giveth and Life taketh away. Its a connundrum. I never gave any thought to it before because trust me I am never out of stuff to talk about...ever. I think though that sometimes too much stuff bouncing around inside my head makes it really tough to convey a thought. An overload of emotion positive or negative can make it terribly hard to put feelings into words.

What follows is what I feel may have caused my recent bout of bloggers block.

Comedy is a sort of double edge sword. There is nearly always an element of pain or humiliation involved with a laugh. No? Then why do we laugh when we see a kid smack a wiffle ball into his dad's nuts? Why is it hysterical to watch a drunken butt-head at a wedding trip and destroy a $1500 wedding cake? We laugh because it's FUNNY! (unless you're the bride or her dad who paid for the cake) It is in our nature to laugh at the pain and humiliation of others. Sad, but true.

Sometimes comedy can go to far. One of my favorite comediennes is Sarah Silverman. She regularly goes too far, I have seen her boo-ed on television. My guess is that Sarah isn't setting out to humiliate and offend people because she doesn't like them or to hurt them. I think she simply understands thats what comedy is...pain. Recently I made a joke and hurt someones feelings who I really care about. I was a little more callous than I needed to be and I am terribly sorry for that, there was no meanness or maliciousness intended. It was supposed to be funny. It wasn't recieved as such. It made me want to take a step back and re-evaluate my blogs genre. Here's the deal, funny is pretty much all I know. What if everything I write hurts someones feelings. Who the heck do I even think I am, maybe I should just stop.

So I took a break. I was miserable for days. I figured I had maybe lost one of my dearest friends in the world and not sure how to fix it. Not fun.

There is another issue that has been plaguing me for several days as well. I miss my family. For those who don't already know, my son has been hospitalized since the middle of May. He is very sick and had to recieve a bone marrow transplant. There have been many setbacks and scary times over the last few months. The changing of the seasons from spring to summer to autumn and now to winter has been tough. The bare branches on the trees are another reminder of how long he has been battling this illness. A reminder that we have not been a "regular" family for a long, long time. It's very hard, with the holiday season fast approaching to keep a smile on my face. Knowing that we will likely be spending our holidays in a hospital or at best in a home for cancer patients who have had or are waiting to have treatments. I do not feel sorry for myself. I feel a little lost, like I am only part of who I once was. The hours I spend on trains or reading, commenting,and writing on this site help me to focus on something other than my son's health, measured by cell counts and caloric intake, constant testing and re-testing,500 new doctors and new courses of action.

I keep a car in the city where my trains go so that I can escape the prison of my 10x15ft hotel room. I can go places and see things besides the 4 walls. That old car has been very handy to get back and forth to see my wife and son while I am in the city. Several days ago the brakes went out. Now I was without a vehicle. I was spending time 10 miles from my family with no way to go see them. IT SUCKED! Rather than haul it off to a shop to fix it my friend and co-worker who co-owns the car with me said he would fix it. We are both decent mechanics but we had no tools, and no shop to put it in so we were held hostage by the weather as well as the time of day when we got to the city. It is hard to work outside in the dark on a car, ask anyone. So last night I was sitting outside, with a flashlight at midnight in the cold fixing the car. It sucked hauling 80 lbs. of wrenches around all day on a train but now I feel better knowing now I have my ride back. It has been too long since I have seen my family. I am also packing around 10lbs of mail that the lovely wife hasn't gotten yet.

There you have it.
Sick son, irregular family life, looming holiday season, seriously damaged friendship, and a broken car.

It's amazing really. Your kind words and a painting on the side of a boxcar have moved me to put thoughts back into written words. Thank You Friends and Vandals.